I don’t like therapy much today. My session yesterday has left me unable to function. And I have things I need to take care of before starting work tomorrow.
There must be a better way. Different parts of myself end up coming forward with very confused stories. I end up overwhelmed. I don’t think I’m supposed to get re-traumatized in order to get better.
So I have some strange memories from the past, mostly sorrow and pain without a story to go along with them. The pictures that accompany the feelings don’t explain the feelings at all.
And I feel pretty disconnected from Ron. I know he is there when I’m in a session. But he doesn’t say much. And mostly I talk, or feel, or whatever I do. I just am missing his presence. Sometimes, having him there made things easier to bear, as if he was helping me with it all. This time, I just feel alone with it.
It seems my parents basically abandoned me emotionally. My father was critical and harsh, and my mother would pretend nothing was wrong. I ended up having to bear everything myself – nothing was ever acknowledged. And some very early trauma from another relative was added into the mix, which no one ever helped me with either. So everything kind of knocked against everything else, and I split it all off in order to be able to grow up. And parts of me had to stay behind, frozen in time.
We don’t discuss this in so many words in therapy. This is just what is emerging and what I’m trying to piece together. My sense that Ron doesn’t care and isn’t involved could be my mind replaying the scenario with my parents. Whatever. I still have to deal with those feelings in the present.
I believe in general, Ron is a caring and dedicated therapist. So I guess, if I’m seeing him as uncaring, it’s likely to be my issues.