Four reasons

It’s so hard to write when I haven’t written for a while. Whereas if I write a post, I’m eager to post again the next day. Why is that?

It’s been a rough two weeks. Here are four possible reasons:

1. Ron’s been on vacation, causing me feelings of abandonment and loneliness.

2. My job, which I had for an unprecedented FOUR YEARS, ended last month. Yesterday was my last official day, though there hasn’t been much work to do for weeks. Also causing me feelings of abandonment, loneliness, uselessness, and vague fears of an economic nature.

3. Recruiters. Hate ’em. I’ve seen three, and it’s been a weary experience.

4. Dentist. I saw the dentist last Thursday, leading to flashbacks and wishes to be dead.

Yep, those are good reasons for struggling to keep an even keel. With hindsight, I should have postponed the dentist yet again. Yes, it would have been the third time. But the timing was horrible. I was completely triggered and had no therapy or T contact to help with it. I think I need to try and limit my traumas to one at a time. So Ron’s vacation would have been enough to deal with. OK, couldn’t do anything about the timing of my job ending. I guess I could have put off the recruiters though.

Recruiters think contractors are desperately greedy, self-involved individuals. Every one gives me some story about some other candidate who asked for too much money.

The thing is. Of course I’m going to want to keep making the same as I’m making now. Why go backwards, especially at the start of a search? And of course I’ll mainly talk to recruiters about money, because that’s all they know about. They don’t know the job, they don’t know the client, they don’t know the co-workers, they don’t know why it’s available. They know the rate range and location basically. I can read the job description myself.

OK, it’s not all that way. Some do make an effort to understand me and my resume.

The first interview, I scheduled for after a work meeting. Meaning I arrived flustered, not in my suit, and having walked two kilometers on a hot day with a heavy laptop in tow in a grubby backpack. Not good.

I hate interviews. You have to memorize possible answers to questions so you can answer without hesitating. One of the recruiters gave me feedback that I seemed to be hesitating, and didn’t have answers at the tip of my tongue. He was doing me a favour with the feedback. But it’s discouraging. I don’t want to memorize some bullshit answers and play a part to get a job. Yet that’s what is required. The minute I get interested in some aspect of the interview, I stop being ‘in role’, and it goes bad.

Plus, honestly, I’ve been feeling like death warmed over. Hard to muster up enthusiasm for a possible job which likely I’ll hate being at and which might wreck my life entirely.

To end on a slightly more positive note. I made stew in my crockpot. I’ve been struggling intensely with cooking.  I don’t want to cook at all. It feels like a wall I have to break through. I end up taking xanax and a glass of wine to be able to do it. But, this is not so bad if I cook early in the day. In fact, it seems doable. So I’ve made the stew and avoided the 6 pm cooking trauma. Just a little bit of problem solving happening right here.

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4 comments
  1. Crap doesn’t seem to come just one at a time. Any one of those would be big by itself. Good for you to figure out a way to eat healthy. Hoping the interviews get you a job that meets your needs. Hugs.

    • Ellen said:

      Thank you Ruth. Hugs to you also.

  2. I’ve gotten into the habit of doing most of my cooking for the day first thing in the morning. This evolved out of needing to cook breakfast and lunch to take to work and then having some amount left over for dinner. For me, it’s rice, lentils or chickpeas, and some kind of vegetable (3 dishes). In the evening, usually I have eaten the vegetable, so I make another vegetable dish, but the rice and lentils/chickpeas just need to be heated. Your diet is different, and you would probably need more variety. (We don’t get much variety here anyway, and breakfast has ceased to seem like a meal different from any other meal of the day.) Could you do something like that though, where you make three or four dishes in the morning and then just pick and choose what to heat or refresh the rest of the day? This could save you the trauma of the evening cooking torture.

    • Ellen said:

      I loved reading about your experience with cooking in Country X. It is so different, it is almost unimaginable for me. You seem like a Super Hero Madam in some lights!

      The idea of cooking in the morning in general is good. I couldn’t do it once I have a job, due to being very bad at mornings, but at the moment, I might. And maybe if I got more simple with cooking, it would be beneficial. Thanks Ashana

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