I’ll start this sentence and hopefully I can break through the wall that stops me from writing. Crack, crash, boom, there it goes!
I went to therapy last week. Ron is back for two weeks only, then it will be a three week break. I had a tough time on the last break of only two weeks. So three will be an additional challenge. I am trying not to tell myself how pathetic a person this makes me – dependent, needy, lonely, etc. Ron’s comment made me feel a bit better about my problem with him leaving. He said it’s kind of as if I’m having major surgery, and the surgeon wanders off for a few weeks. Yep, it does kind of feel like that – bleeding all over the place. That’s a strong image, but it made me feel like he understood what I go through to some extent.
We tried a longer session – an hour and twenty minutes. It did seem luxuriously long. I didn’t feel the pressure of lack of time. And when parts came out, there was time to wrap things up again, so I didn’t leave the office crying. So that felt better, though we also got into a weird trauma memory, and that has been difficult to process. Parts take me on a time machine, where all of a sudden I’m a child again, and things are happening to me which I don’t understand.
The memories are awful and there’s not enough pictures for me to form a story. This time it was mostly emotions, complete with sensations of falling and a feeling of blackness. Or was it a vision of blackness? Everything seemed dark in any case.
OK, I don’t want to talk any more about that.
For the first half of the session we talked about my present life. At one point, exasperated, I ask what he thinks I should do to fix my life. Surely that’s what I pay him to tell me. Should I try online dating, yoga, meetups, career change – or what? Ron of course replies that he is not there to ‘tell you what to do’. OK, but what does he recommend?
Ron says something about connections with others seeming uppermost. That I need someone who can understand what I’m going through….
So I kind of jumped on that comment. I’ve thought about this quite a bit, but can’t decide what’s right. It seems as if the people who can understand what I’m going through are people who’ve been through abuse as I have. And in the past, I’ve had friends I’ve met in support groups. Then we can talk about therapy and healing. However, I end up with friends where we have nothing else in common but an abuse history. And mostly, that friend will have worse issues than I do. Which is OK. But it’s for sure not the case that there’s people out there that are doing well themselves, but want to support someone who isn’t doing well, out of friendship. I just don’t think that’s out there.
Then the other type of friends are where I hide what I’m going through. We do activities together, and I don’t mention therapy, depression, or troubles. Maybe they’re superficial, but these are people who are able to work and whose life functions at least. I like to do activities, when I can, and be around people who can function.
I know there must be some middle ground but so far I haven’t found it. No one’s lining up to be my friend, and I don’t blame them. I’m being as good a person as I can, but connections are not falling out of the sky for me.
I guess it doesn’t help that I don’t relate particularly to the people in my industry. I’m there to do a job, but I don’t fit in well. They socialize with each other, and often are married to each other, but they’re not my kind it seems like. They’re OK, but we have little in common.
Well, there’s my I am sure very negative take on the world of connections for me. I don’t say all this in my session. I just argue briefly with Ron and we drop it.
And I’ve forgotten everything else. Oh, I tell Ron I went to a support group one evening. I talk a bit about that. He’s interested in groups. I say it was pretty good – I felt accepted there, and it wasn’t triggering. It’s not a therapy group and people are not encouraged to provide details of traumas, thank goodness. I had the slight impression Ron was a bit threatened by my going to this group. Not sure though – it could be just my imagination. Group is a sore point with us it seems.
Different parts talk to Ron, and when I’m in that memory, I say I just want to lie down. That’s a way I shut down – I lie down and go to sleep. Ron says I may lie down if I wish. I try, but the part I’m in leaps back up again – lying down is too scary. Later, I switch to an older part, and she lies on the couch with pleasure. The couch seems very peaceful and restful. I just lie there for a few minutes, recovering, and no one says anything. I’ve switched out of the memory, and it’s lovely to lie there and recover.
We decide to try a longer session next time as well.