This and that

Things seem a little strange at the moment – lots of dissociation with younger parts uppermost when I’m alone. Trying to be OK with that happening. It makes it difficult to do tasks though. I’m trying to take care of those parts but  it’s hard.

Ron was away last week. He was actually out of the country – unusual for him. So there would have been no way of contacting him at all, if the need arose. I hate when he goes away. I concentrated on staying fairly adult, and shutting down I suppose.

I borrowed a complicated book on trauma from him as I was leaving his office. The kid picked it – she actually didn’t care what it was, just something of his to hang onto. It seems to be a book he read for his training, complete with yellow highlighter. Self-psychology – something I’m not really familiar with. I’ll need to look it up.

The good part of T vacations is having a weekend where I’m not triggered by therapy. So for instance, I was able to go out Friday night. A friend arranged for us to go out to a small salsa club. I could not have done that if I’d had therapy that day. The club was interesting. I was scared to go, but it was OK. Things don’t start there until quite late though. And then most came with partners, so none of us danced as couples. However there was a group lesson, and a kind of group dance also, so I did get to dance. There was actually a disco ball – haven’t seen one of those for decades.

With my PTSD, I do get overwhelmed by noise and flashing lights. I was OK for about two hours, but then needed to leave. I was driving my friend, so then had to wait for her maybe half an hour longer, which wasn’t great. The next day I was happy I’d gone, but also pretty dissociated.

Overall, no therapy means a nice break from facing a bunch of crap. But also, I’ve had more symptoms. Sleep has been a lot better for the past few months, but is not so good right now again. And as I said, I’m having times where younger parts dominate, and it makes for a difficult time. Maybe therapy focuses the pain more in one place, while if I don’t go, I go back to lots of symptoms and strangeness.

Ron has offered me longer sessions – one and a half sessions. Because what happens is various parts come bursting out to speak with him in the last fifteen minutes of the session. Then the session ends, and I’m still switched over. Ron feels we might get further with longer sessions. It’ll be more money, but he offered me a sliding scale, so it’s not horrendous. I like that he offered the longer sessions – he can’t be bored or traumatized by me if he thinks i should stay longer. It felt like he was moving towards me.

I have noticed that he has not invited me for his group therapy next year. I don’t believe I’d go in any case. But I hate not being given the choice. Especially when I know he will be inviting others back.

One day last week about a dozen agencies contacted me about a particular contract, all within in the space of two hours. It was kind of funny. After two weeks of nothing. I went out and bought a summer suit on the weekend in case I get an interview. I’d wanted light colours, and of course ended up with black. But the blazer has style, and the skirt will be useful for work in general, so what the heck. I don’t have the energy to chase down a suit all over town. This one should do the trick.

I’m glad I didn’t try and make do with my winter blazer, which is five years out of date anyhow. Best to dress the part.

Today I went for an excellent walk in the park nearby. Went in the morning while it was still cool. I feel so proud of myself for getting out of the house before the crack of eleven am, lol. There is a freshness to the morning, even late morning. I enjoy the peace of nature now – in the past, I’d be overwhelmed by stress when walking, for some reason. Now things do come up sometimes, but I can notice and let it go by to some extent. It’s new, that I can enjoy quiet walks.

Then dance practice. I’m chatting to people more. Dance is interesting. Sometimes it’s overwhelming, but sometimes it makes me happy. I’m very glad to have people that will chat with me now. Always the women. Strange, because we all dance with the men, but talk mostly among ourselves.

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4 comments
  1. I’m sorry about the symptoms, but it sounds like there are a lot of good things going on.

    I’m betting that you will find the longer sessions helpful. For awhile I was able to do 75 min as opposed to 55 min sessions and it felt like so much more was accomplished in each session. I miss the 75 min sessions.

    • Ellen said:

      This would be 75 minutes also. Good to hear it worked for you. How come you had to stop them? Thanks Cat

      • A variety of reasons. Some financial, since the insurance company wouldn’t cover the additional time. Some for the sake of my therapist. I was her only client that she has done that for, so the only way to fit into the schedule was to give up part of her lunch. After awhile, she realized that a short lunch break after sessions with me wasn’t working so well for her. But the thing that made it impossible to stick with 75 minute sessions was that we went from 1 to 2 sessions a week. I really needed the more frequent contact. She absolutely could not do two 75 minute sessions a week, giving up part of 2 lunches.

        • Ellen said:

          Makes a lot of sense. Practical considerations do get in the way sometimes don’t they. She does sound very dedicated and eager to help you. Thanks for sharing.

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