Teenage

spiderIt feels dangerous to write, somehow, the same way therapy can feel dangerous, forbidden.

Anyhow. One thing is so much is impossible to explain. I could describe but it wouldn’t enlighten anyone. The things that trouble and confound me are confusing, they’re wraiths in the mind, they’re inabilities, they’re bad dreams, they’re troubling feelings. I can try and record my therapy, but now that it’s more about parts, I forget so easily. And the sessions are so much less intelligent than they used to be. Not that these parts of myself don’t have brains, they do. But their nature is to be emotional and child-like it seems.

Last session was mostly about a dark part of myself whom I think of as a teenage part,  though what she has said is mostly child-like, as if she was younger than I thought. She had talked at the end of the last session. This time, Ron and I decided to try letting parts of myself speak earlier in the session, so I could have time to orient and get back to normal before the session was over.

Ron wasn’t sure how well that would work. But it was worth a try.

This teenage part emerged. I was hearing her a lot as a voice during the week. One bonus of the session was that voice has mostly gone away. However, I got to feel the really sad, hopeless feelings that part carries.

She did tell Ron she likes earrings, when he asked what would help her feel better. She said she’d feel better with earrings. I wasn’t wearing any that day. I tend to only wear one piece of jewellery at a time, and that day it was a little chain.

So to support that part, I’ve been wearing dangly earrings every day since that session. It’s helped that part to feel cared about. I’ve spent time being her, just being sad. She is a more thoughtful part. I’ve always pushed her down, because I’m afraid of her suicidal thoughts. But she becomes less suicidal when given space to exist. A lot less. She just gets super sad.

Outside of jewelry (well, accessories really – I’m not wearing diamonds, that’s for sure) she doesn’t care as much as the kid what she wears, though she has a preference for black and dark blue.

I’ve been trying to realize what will keep this part feeling more connected and valued. It’s difficult to work out. One other thing I’ve tried is reading novels aloud. This seems to soothe this part quite a bit – maybe she feels as if she’s being read to. That was one of the more nurturing activities my mother used to do – she read aloud to me and my siblings. Writing really penetrates when I read it aloud.

Then there’s a chain with a little image that I saw in a local store, which this part would like to have. I can get that – it’s not pricey.

I guess this teenage part went to dance class, or was close to the surface. It was not a good experience. She’s very insecure, and felt criticized by everyone. The dance instructor wouldn’t use her to show a step, for instance, even though he was her partner, but picked another woman to do that. Etc. This part has difficulties with rejection. She was sure everyone hated dancing with her, she looked ugly and fat, and her clothes were just wrong. It was a difficult hour.

She’d also like some earrings that look like spider webs. Um. They’re too teenagey I think. But we’ll see.

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5 comments
  1. leb105 said:

    this seems wonderful to me, Ellen. Finding colorful, sensitive parts of yourself, and nurturing them, allowing them to breathe and enjoy life.

    • Ellen said:

      It is quite good actually. Thanks

  2. I like ‘teen-age’ earrings too. I am learning that most people don’t notice. Interesting self exploration. I am also working at nurturing myself and protecting myself. Thanks for sharing your ideas.

    • Ellen said:

      I actually enjoyed getting to know this part more, despite all the pain and sadness also involved. thank you

  3. I love these dangly earrings and all that they symbolize for you. I hope that this teenage part is feeling more heard and cared for. 🙂

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