A mess of angry thoughts

Today I feel angry with almost everyone. There are not many people in my life, but those that are, I am angry with. But, at least I can feel, which has not always been the case. I’m hoping the anger will pass if I allow it to be there for a time.

I am not angry with the weather though. I love spring – such long, long light days with cool weather, and everything in a state of promise. This is the day the pink magnolia trees bloom, and also cherry trees. I live near a large park which has a drift of cherry trees planted for this one week of pink glory. Went walking under them today.

I went to church. I spend a lot of my hour’s service trying to calm myself and just receive things. A lot of it scares me or parts of me, and I figure it’s my time to try calming and listening, not to overrule how I feel in order to fit in. So a lot of the response stuff, I didn’t pay much attention to and didn’t participate. And I sang maybe half the songs. It’s better for me to pay attention internally. Otherwise, it’s just one more thing where I have to try and pretend.

I went to coffee time. The tea was incredibly stewed and black. I can’t eat the biscuits due to being paleo. Which is fine. But no one talked to me. I just sat, watching. I’ve talked to a few people there previously, but no one would meet my eyes. Don’t know if I was projecting weirdness, or what.

So that made me kind of angry. We are supposed to welcome each other, welcome all.

Especially pissed with one of the men there. I’d talked to him before, we’d both been in a discussion evening, and he was perched right across from me. He talked to other people, but would not meet my eye, so I didn’t approach him. Something about him deeply irritates me anyway. For some reason, I’ve fixated on how angry I am that he didn’t even bother saying hi. Neither did anyone else – why fixate on him for God’s sake. It’s like I’m drawn to be angry with certain people more than others.

In therapy, a lot of the discussion was about my relationship with my mother. Ahem, some anger there. Mostly I felt devastated by talking about it, and was pretty much paralyzed yesterday. So I’d say today’s anger is a step up from that.

This afternoon I went for a walk with my ex husband. We are friends, in a way, and in a way it cheered me up. Well. He told me some things about my parents, what they’re doing with money in regards to my son, which made me furious. He defends them – says it goes two ways, I don’t talk to them. Well actually, I just talked to my mother last weekend. What they do is go around me and get to my son through my ex. Who always allows it to happen. My father is completely controlling, and my mother is in his complete thrall. And they try and control using their money. And it makes me furious.

My ex is also controlling, but in a different way. With him, it’s not so all-encompassing. Because he lets a lot go and is very disorganized, it’s easy to think he doesn’t control. But he does, as soon as he feels anxious.

I hate controlling. I hate to be controlled and I won’t be. It makes me feel small and outraged and helpless.

Angry angry angry.

I had asked a friend of mine to attend a charity event with me last night. The event was important to me and I had no one else to ask. When I first asked her weeks ago, she wasn’t keen, but blamed it on a health problem. Now that’s better, but then she had a repairman coming at that time. So she’d call if he came early. I knew she would not call and she did not. The issue being, this was not something she felt like doing. Which is her privilege. However, I rarely ask her to do anything with me, because she is not flexible as to what is done. All activities seem to have to be initiated by her, and I accommodate. She does not. So. I need her more than she needs me. I know she’s like that. It makes me angry, but I cannot lose another friend. I can’t seem to make new ones. So I just simmer. I’ll feel better soon.

Have you ever gone to an activity when you felt horrible? That was me, yesterday, at the quilting group. I was so down from talking about my mother in therapy I suppose. I had this scheduled, Saturday morning, so I dragged myself there. It was hard to be friendly. My paranoia kicked in, and I felt the women there didn’t like me. At home, it felt like a hopeless thing – going somewhere where no one likes me, when I feel awful.

And work – my contract is ending end of July. I really need to re-do a resume and get out there. My boss has stopped talking to me altogether. It’s as if he thinks I’ll disappear if he doesn’t notice me. It’s a stressful and depressing situation. I need to start looking for something else.

Well, other than all that, as in every activity of my life makes me angry in some way, other than that, hey, the weather is awesome. OK, therapy might be going well also. Though too intense. I have to be able to survive the pain.

I probably need a personality transplant. So people will like me. Or something.

At least the spiritual part of church was OK. I’m feeling rather grounded about that part of it. Removing people from the picture.

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18 comments
  1. It always makes me cross when church people aren’t welcoming. I mean, come on, people – you’ve had over 2000 years to get the basics right! Seriously?

  2. Juliet said:

    I kind of admire you for going out and doing all these things. You’re trying to make contact at least and I think that’s great even though many people seem to just suck… :/

    • Ellen said:

      It’s true, I’m getting out there a bit. Pat on the back for me. I suspect I suck also though. It’s a confluence of suckiness. Thanks Juliet

  3. candycanandco said:

    It’s hard being angry but it’s your right.

  4. kp said:

    Hi….I can feel the anger from your words. I have been there; feeling full of anger about being invisible, and controlled, and powerless, and unsupported, and alone! I think it is great that you are spilling it out on this blog; that you are getting it out; expressing all of your hurt, and anger, and grief!! It is so much healthier than turning it in on your self. thinking about you!! Kim

    • Ellen said:

      Thanks for your encouragement Kim.

  5. Hi Ellen, I didn’t feel anger for a long time, when I finally connected with what I call Lake Rage it was very overwhelming. Days like these I remind myself that I have survived 100% of my bad days. I also noticed when I felt like this that other people tended to avoid me. I don’t know if they sense my anger or there is something in the way I stand or sit that seems to scream, ‘leave me alone.’ I do know that the rage was finally processed. My counselor assured me that part of counseling is learning to process anger and the feelings underneath like hurt, fear and frustration. It does get better. Hugs and your spring sounds lovely…..our Spring is pass and we are headed into scorching summer…I don’t think I am ready for all the heat.
    Ruth

    • Ellen said:

      Yes, I suppose actually feeling feelings is a good thing, or will be in the end. I wonder if I do project negative emotions, so people stay away. Or if it’s that I’m just too shy. Good to hear you moved through an angry stage also. I would not enjoy that heat that you put up with! Hugs to you.

  6. Gel said:

    Thanks for writing about your anger. I feel anger now, when I used to not feel it or recognize it at all. And in many shades…like light anger such as irritations, and judging voices in my head.

    Writing about it is getting it out, to a degree. And that is healing. One of the hard things about anger for me is that there seems to be now acceptable way to let it out, especially to have it witnessed. But (I’m told) we can’t suppress this stuff either or that makes us sicker. So it seems that writing about it – like you are doing – in the blog, lets it out without hurting anyone and you have a bunch of friends here who listen and empathize.

    It seems that you have a lot you are dealing with on every front. But it’s so cool that you have an encompassing attitude that seems really grounded and healthy and full of self acceptance.

    Bravo!

    • Ellen said:

      I didn’t used to recognize anger until it was complete rage. Now I see it before it gets to that point, but it can still be overwhelming.

      I agree writing things out helps. Anger expressed can make life pretty complicated. Sometimes you have to express it, but it’s tricky. I learned that especially in group. And I appreciate all the comments and support – didn’t actually think anyone would have any response to my moaning!

      Thanks for thinking I have a healthy attitude. πŸ™‚ Take care.

  7. Cat said:

    I relate to the anger, it can be so wearing. I’m sure it is all part of the therapy. Talking about Mother is always certain to put me on a downer for days… the anger feels relentless and unforgiving. I’m sure, eventually, we will make peace within ourselves.
    I always admire that you are so ready to push yourself into situations when you don’t feel your best. It’s easy to sink into a paranoid mindset about people not liking us. Maybe they are thinking the same about us and wondering why we don’t talk to them any more…
    Hope you’re feeling better soon, Ellen

    • Ellen said:

      Plus talking about mother negatively stirs up massive amounts of guilt for me. After all, she did lots of things for me, food, home, etc etc. I hope we can make peace with it some time. Doesn’t seem to be in my near future though.

      I wonder if when I feel bad, I’d be better off staying home, if I ruin my chances for appearing friendly at other times. I really can’t judge. Is it me? Am I not being friendly, and being paranoid? Or is there really something else going wrong? I think I just need to try to accept what is, and not worry if I can help it.

      Thanks for understanding Cat.

      • Cat said:

        Yer, I know that guilt!

  8. It is actually a little puzzling when people are supposed to do things and don’t do them. They are supposed to be welcoming, but then they don’t bother talking to you. Why? I really don’t know.

    At the same time, I think generally people are mostly a bit self-absorbed and careless. You are observing all of them, but they are not necessarily observing much of anything. They are caught up in what they are doing and who they are talking to.

    I think we all feel really bad when we are left out, when no one pays us any attention or considers us. And you do end up feeling weird when that happens. But it may be that other people don’t see you as weird. They haven’t actually noticed you at all, or only noticed you briefly and not thought much about it.

    • Ellen said:

      I think you’re probably right. I personalize things when they’re not that personal. Thanks

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