Today I feel angry with almost everyone. There are not many people in my life, but those that are, I am angry with. But, at least I can feel, which has not always been the case. I’m hoping the anger will pass if I allow it to be there for a time.
I am not angry with the weather though. I love spring – such long, long light days with cool weather, and everything in a state of promise. This is the day the pink magnolia trees bloom, and also cherry trees. I live near a large park which has a drift of cherry trees planted for this one week of pink glory. Went walking under them today.
I went to church. I spend a lot of my hour’s service trying to calm myself and just receive things. A lot of it scares me or parts of me, and I figure it’s my time to try calming and listening, not to overrule how I feel in order to fit in. So a lot of the response stuff, I didn’t pay much attention to and didn’t participate. And I sang maybe half the songs. It’s better for me to pay attention internally. Otherwise, it’s just one more thing where I have to try and pretend.
I went to coffee time. The tea was incredibly stewed and black. I can’t eat the biscuits due to being paleo. Which is fine. But no one talked to me. I just sat, watching. I’ve talked to a few people there previously, but no one would meet my eyes. Don’t know if I was projecting weirdness, or what.
So that made me kind of angry. We are supposed to welcome each other, welcome all.
Especially pissed with one of the men there. I’d talked to him before, we’d both been in a discussion evening, and he was perched right across from me. He talked to other people, but would not meet my eye, so I didn’t approach him. Something about him deeply irritates me anyway. For some reason, I’ve fixated on how angry I am that he didn’t even bother saying hi. Neither did anyone else – why fixate on him for God’s sake. It’s like I’m drawn to be angry with certain people more than others.
In therapy, a lot of the discussion was about my relationship with my mother. Ahem, some anger there. Mostly I felt devastated by talking about it, and was pretty much paralyzed yesterday. So I’d say today’s anger is a step up from that.
This afternoon I went for a walk with my ex husband. We are friends, in a way, and in a way it cheered me up. Well. He told me some things about my parents, what they’re doing with money in regards to my son, which made me furious. He defends them – says it goes two ways, I don’t talk to them. Well actually, I just talked to my mother last weekend. What they do is go around me and get to my son through my ex. Who always allows it to happen. My father is completely controlling, and my mother is in his complete thrall. And they try and control using their money. And it makes me furious.
My ex is also controlling, but in a different way. With him, it’s not so all-encompassing. Because he lets a lot go and is very disorganized, it’s easy to think he doesn’t control. But he does, as soon as he feels anxious.
I hate controlling. I hate to be controlled and I won’t be. It makes me feel small and outraged and helpless.
Angry angry angry.
I had asked a friend of mine to attend a charity event with me last night. The event was important to me and I had no one else to ask. When I first asked her weeks ago, she wasn’t keen, but blamed it on a health problem. Now that’s better, but then she had a repairman coming at that time. So she’d call if he came early. I knew she would not call and she did not. The issue being, this was not something she felt like doing. Which is her privilege. However, I rarely ask her to do anything with me, because she is not flexible as to what is done. All activities seem to have to be initiated by her, and I accommodate. She does not. So. I need her more than she needs me. I know she’s like that. It makes me angry, but I cannot lose another friend. I can’t seem to make new ones. So I just simmer. I’ll feel better soon.
Have you ever gone to an activity when you felt horrible? That was me, yesterday, at the quilting group. I was so down from talking about my mother in therapy I suppose. I had this scheduled, Saturday morning, so I dragged myself there. It was hard to be friendly. My paranoia kicked in, and I felt the women there didn’t like me. At home, it felt like a hopeless thing – going somewhere where no one likes me, when I feel awful.
And work – my contract is ending end of July. I really need to re-do a resume and get out there. My boss has stopped talking to me altogether. It’s as if he thinks I’ll disappear if he doesn’t notice me. It’s a stressful and depressing situation. I need to start looking for something else.
Well, other than all that, as in every activity of my life makes me angry in some way, other than that, hey, the weather is awesome. OK, therapy might be going well also. Though too intense. I have to be able to survive the pain.
I probably need a personality transplant. So people will like me. Or something.
At least the spiritual part of church was OK. I’m feeling rather grounded about that part of it. Removing people from the picture.