It’s raining today – a steady soaking rain, so I haven’t ventured out. I’m having a difficult morning. Often my mood shifts if I go out, so it’s too bad it’s raining. Of course I could still go. I am waiting until after lunch when I have an appointment anyway.
I went back to bed this morning. I felt too sad to do the laundry.
Part of me wants to beat myself up about this. I should be productive. What do I have to do anyway that is so difficult?
I feel guilty about work. Guilty and rejected. They are not giving me anything to do. I keep checking my email in case someone wants something, but nothing. Checking the email is getting a bit obsessive – as if, if there was an email, my problems would be solved and I’d no longer feel this way.
I’m telling myself it’s not my fault about work. I’ve asked for more to do. If there is nothing, it is not my fault. I can get on with my day and please myself.
I’m not sure where this collapse has come from. I was OK yesterday. I dusted, I did laundry, I changed sheets, I went to the library, I went for a walk, I went for a latte.
Maybe I should have gone to a twelve step meeting? I’m torn about the meetings. I don’t really believe that much in the steps. Not for emotional problems anyway. I can see how they could help if you’re battling addiction. About half of a meeting is devoted to reading about the steps. The other half is for sharing. And this would be the part I’d go for. I like to hear people’s stories and concerns, and sharing helps me feel a little bit of connection. Just I feel like a hypocrite because I’d go but I’d be ignoring the steps.
I have been wanting to do something other than therapy to heal. Something like a group, or maybe yoga. It doesn’t have to be outright ‘therapy’ either – everything pretty much brings up my issues. I need something that brings up my issues but doesn’t overwhelm me, so I can work on things bit by bit. A yoga class for instance lands me in body memories, and it can take me days to recover. But maybe I could take half a class. And digest small amounts of trauma, without getting inundated.