I’m still fatigued from the flu. Today I left the house for the first time in days. Sat in the cafe to prove I could. I actually forgot about no dairy – I ordered a latte, and didn’t specify soy. The barrista made me a new one, very kindly. I couldn’t believe I’d forgotten. When I’m sick, my life goes out of my head I guess.
I even took a walk. Shorter than normal, but still.
I’ve read four complete books in the last week. Two mysteries, two a bit more challenging. I’m getting more pleasure from reading again.
I did end up in a kind of flashback yesterday. I have this problem where I fall asleep for naps, and wake up in a bad state. Foggy, really sad, down at the bottom of a well. Plus very dissociative – the kid comes uppermost, and other parts. I can’t decide whether this is an emotional flashback, or whether I wake up in a young, traumatized part. It always seems as if some awful thing has just happened to me which I can’t explain or describe. It’s like the immediate aftermath.
This nap situation happens to me a lot. This time I decided to write it down for Ron, as it was happening. The kid wrote something, and I wrote something. Over several hours, I saved one email and wrote a few times to describe things.
Writing it down made it seem more concrete, more real. Then sending the email made it even more real. Usually I struggle for a few hours to get out of the feelings, and then forget them. I never tell anyone. It doesn’t make sense, and is too difficult to try and explain.
Well, then I got mad at Ron. He didn’t respond very quickly. For some reason, I felt he was my enemy – he completely changed in my mind. I tried to tell myself I wasn’t thinking straight, and it kind of helped. Then he did respond, and said something about how it’s hard to be alone, he’s glad I’m reaching out.
Hmmm….That made me really mad. But why? It’s not a terrible thing to say, and he was quite accepting.
I wrote back that I wasn’t the least bit lonely, and that people are too much trouble anyway. I did thank him for responding though.
I felt he didn’t understand that I was describing a flashback. I want him to understand. He just seemed to think I was lonely.
I don’t really long for people when I’m struggling to get out of these dark states. It always seems to me, if anyone was around, I’d have the even worse struggle of trying to hide what I was going through, or explain it at least, and I just don’t feel up to it. I’m better off struggling with it alone.
Describing it all by email definitely made it more solid and real. I still felt it around the next day, and spent some hours in bed in the morning because I couldn’t deal. I was hoping the email would help me work through it more, so I don’t have to keep having this experience over and over. Not sure if it did that. I did feel all this anger though, which is not a usual part of the experience. I wonder if that’s also a memory – of not having anyone to help me, of being misunderstood.
Well, at least I’m on the mend physically if not psychologically. Huge struggle to cook dinner tonight, but when I finally pulled something together, two hours later than usual, I was proud I’d powered through and cooked. If I can just get started, it picks up momentum and is not as bad as I think it is going to be.