I’ve had a cough, though no cold to go with it, so spent a lot of yesterday sleeping. Then I still slept all night.

Not sure what I want to say. I took some cough medicine which has made me feel a bit wired, so now I can’t sleep.

We are to get snow tomorrow. Yippee. Not.

I tend to write Ron emails when I’m anxious, I’ve realized. Not so much when depressed. I can’t imagine writing will help me when I’m depressed, it’s just too much trouble, and anyway, there are not a lot of words. When I’m anxious, I’m full of fears, my mind is super active and there’s lots to write about.

About a week ago, I wrote after a dance class. That I’d apologized about twenty times, for bad steps, wrong moves, etc etc. As if my very being was wrong.

I wrote a bunch of other things, but Ron responded to that one phrase. That feelings as if my being is wrong is close to the core or my struggle, and that it’s a tortuous way to live.

That really struck me as true.

I often do feel that. As if I’m the wrong shape, the wrong person in the wrong place. As if everything I feel or say is not the right acceptable thing to feel or say. The way I look is bad.

Oddly, it’s been helpful lately to remember that. To counteract it, of course. To catch myself – oh yeah, I feel like my being is wrong. To give myself a chance to let my being be OK at that moment.

  1. Can you bottle some of that ability to catch it in the moment and send it over to me? πŸ™‚

  2. Gel said:

    “That feelings as if my being is wrong is close to the core or my struggle, and that it’s a tortuous way to live”.

    Gosh that sounds a lot like how I feel in the essence of my depression mode.

    I’m sorry you have that experience….it is torturous.

    I’m glad you can catch it and give yourself moments of OK-ness.


  3. I hear you hon. It feels awful to feel wrong all of the time. I am sorry you feel like that. XX

    • Ellen said:

      Thanks Many. and Happy B Day.

  4. Cat said:

    Another great quote from Ron! Your description is very close to how I feel – as though I’m somehow out of sync What I’m finding in the therapy process is that the new awareness – lightbulb moments – go a long way in helping us change those negative ways of thinking.

    • Ellen said:

      Yes, the awareness is key. And you have to be ready to be able to even hear a particular insight, I find. Thanks

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