Right

I’ve had a cough, though no cold to go with it, so spent a lot of yesterday sleeping. Then I still slept all night.

Not sure what I want to say. I took some cough medicine which has made me feel a bit wired, so now I can’t sleep.

We are to get snow tomorrow. Yippee. Not.

I tend to write Ron emails when I’m anxious, I’ve realized. Not so much when depressed. I can’t imagine writing will help me when I’m depressed, it’s just too much trouble, and anyway, there are not a lot of words. When I’m anxious, I’m full of fears, my mind is super active and there’s lots to write about.

About a week ago, I wrote after a dance class. That I’d apologized about twenty times, for bad steps, wrong moves, etc etc. As if my very being was wrong.

I wrote a bunch of other things, but Ron responded to that one phrase. That feelings as if my being is wrong is close to the core or my struggle, and that it’s a tortuous way to live.

That really struck me as true.

I often do feel that. As if I’m the wrong shape, the wrong person in the wrong place. As if everything I feel or say is not the right acceptable thing to feel or say. The way I look is bad.

Oddly, it’s been helpful lately to remember that. To counteract it, of course. To catch myself – oh yeah, I feel like my being is wrong. To give myself a chance to let my being be OK at that moment.

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8 comments
  1. Can you bottle some of that ability to catch it in the moment and send it over to me? πŸ™‚

  2. Gel said:

    “That feelings as if my being is wrong is close to the core or my struggle, and that it’s a tortuous way to live”.

    Gosh that sounds a lot like how I feel in the essence of my depression mode.

    I’m sorry you have that experience….it is torturous.

    I’m glad you can catch it and give yourself moments of OK-ness.

    xxoo

  3. I hear you hon. It feels awful to feel wrong all of the time. I am sorry you feel like that. XX

    • Ellen said:

      Thanks Many. and Happy B Day.

  4. Cat said:

    Another great quote from Ron! Your description is very close to how I feel – as though I’m somehow out of sync What I’m finding in the therapy process is that the new awareness – lightbulb moments – go a long way in helping us change those negative ways of thinking.

    • Ellen said:

      Yes, the awareness is key. And you have to be ready to be able to even hear a particular insight, I find. Thanks

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