Finally I’ve bobbed back up. Not very far up, but using my ‘laundry monitor’ (am I able to get it together enough to do an effing load of laundry), I’m back to functional. This has been a tough tough week. Not from any external source – just I could not cheer up enough to function at all normally.

Therapy tomorrow, and I’m going to beg for mercy I think. I cannot cope with so many days lost to despair, reset over and over by what gets discussed in therapy. Not that this is Ron’s fault. He responds to me, always. He doesn’t bring up topics, ever. The problem for me is that parts of me, young child parts, pop up and want the relief of time with Ron. Then they tell him what things were like for me growing up. Which was not too pleasant.

Then, I’m not sure what happens at home. Maybe I get stuck in these parts somehow. I feel unable to do things, cook or clean, read or listen to music or socialize. I spend a lot of time in bed, staring out my back window. Or at the wall. I lose hope. I always hang on, because I seem to remember regular life happens sometimes, and I want to be there for that.

I tend to feel better if I go out, especially somewhere where I interact with people a bit. Which makes me suspicious that maybe I’m able to switch out in those situations, and then that adult part stays in charge when I get back home.

I just went out for a ten minute walk, even though it’s getting dark. It felt good to get out there. I’m listening to podcasts at the moment. I think the listening is making me feel calmer – as if someone is walking along beside me talking to me. I want to feel free to go out, and feel calm while I’m out there, like I too belong, I too may enjoy being out with other people, the world is not always scary and lonely. Part of what’s holding me back is feeling unsafe while outside. Not hugely, just mildly. Which makes every venture outside my front door a challenge, beyond whatever challenges an event I’m going to has. For me, it’s a challenge just venturing out. Which is  exhausting.

I want to capture a bit more of last week’s therapy. This is the section where the young teen part took over.

E. So I remember my bedroom? The wallpaper was kind of like wood, kind of textured.

R. Did you like your room?

E. I don’t know. It was OK.

I have started feeling a black kind of sadness.

E. School is hard. Like….I don’t have friends in high school. I had friends before, but not in high school. I had this one friend? L? But then we weren’t in the same classes anymore.

E. My mother. My mother is just stupid.

R. Why is she stupid.

E. She just is. She wants me to go to counseling. But I’m not crazy and I’m not going.

I switch out.

E. I became very very depressed as a young teenager. I think the school said something to my mother. She didn’t talk to me at all about how I felt. Just ‘counseling’ was going to fix me. I refused to go. I knew in my mother’s mind there was something very awful about ‘counseling’ and I wanted no part in it.

R. What would you have liked your mother to do, or to say to you?

E. Well, she could have gotten a clue. I mean, at this time, my father wasn’t speaking to me. Maybe she could have done something, stood up to him, at least acknowledge that this was going on. She wouldn’t. It was all about appearances, how things looked.

R. So if the school hadn’t said anything, she wouldn’t have noticed you were depressed.

E. Yeah, probably not. And my mother – she doesn’t talk about things. She literally does not know how to do that. So counseling was kind of her solution, instead of her involving herself in any way.

Then after I’ve explained about the depression, I switch back into this teenaged part. For her, life is completely bleak and overwhelming.

Ron says something about how I was abandoned by my family. That my parents were very bad at parenting. They might have been OK as people, but as parents, they were terrible. I appreciated him saying that. My family puts up such a front, everyone tends to comment what great people they are. I’ve never heard anyone say they were bad parents.

This has all happened in the second part of our session. In the last five minutes, Ron tries to help me switch back out, and offers an extra few minutes for me to gather myself together. However, I can’t really switch to an adult, and I leave very upset. I know I’ll switch out enough to drive home.

  1. It sounds like therapy is tough right now for you all. I hope it gets easier soon. I know the challenge of being scared to go out. We dont really go out after six in the evening. Too afraid of being attacked. XXX

    • Ellen said:

      I can go out but I tend to feel some anxiety about it. Sorry you have that. Thanks Many.

  2. weareonebyruth said:

    I felt very similar when my counselor told me something similar about my parents. People would tell me how lucky I was to have such great parents and I would want to throw up. My counselor was the first person I believed when they told me I had lousy parents. It didn’t change the circumstances but I felt relieved that someone finally saw my perspective. Hugs. Hope your session goes well today. Ruth

    • Ellen said:

      That is exactly how I feel also. It’s great to be believed. Hugs to you Ruth.

  3. leb105 said:

    I like your laundry leading indicator! my butt has been dragging, like that.
    it seems like parts are helpful in understanding where your energy might be.
    would you say that when the kids ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy?
    the adult you used to nurture the kid – are there more kids, and less adult, now? you could have a day-care!
    Howard talks about (has talked about, forever) self-soothing and nurturing that little baby inside, that cries for mommy.
    Your mom is/was so clueless, but counseling sounded like a good idea. If she recognized that she and your Dad were unable and unwilling to talk to you, at least that was a possibility of SOMEONE! My mom would say “I’m not like that!” when I wanted a hug.

    • Ellen said:

      It’s a great indicator – he he.
      Yes, maybe that is true. I’m not sure. Some are never happy, so the outlook is grim in that case. The idea is basically I’m supposed to listen and care for child parts. Just if I turn into them, there’s no one to take care. So there’s that problem.

      Yes, I can see now that counseling might have been a good idea. I’m not sure why I rejected it so strongly. Partly because it seemed shameful, somehow. In my family, problems were shameful. Your mother sounds very unsympathetic. Thank you Laura

  4. I love reading your posts. We have such similar therapeutic experiences (well, it makes sense, doesn’t it, if we’re both seeing the same type of therapist?) 🙂 Thank you for sharing. I trust you found your balance again after this therapy session.

    • Ellen said:

      Glad you can relate DB. The therapy session was OK – but I still feel down and out. Go figure. Thanks for the comment.

  5. candycanandco said:

    Ha ha, I think we have a laundry monitor too, although lately I haven’t been even getting dressed so there’s a lot less to build up.
    My dad ignored me too like that. And my mum wouldn’t see it. I wish my T would say what they did was wrong. I think its important to hear that. Ron seems good with all of you.

    • Ellen said:

      That’s awful that your father ignored you and your mother did nothing. Ron is the first therapist to really focus on that – the others I’ve seen were more focused on the SA. Odd that your T doesn’t comment on that childhood situation. Sometimes emotional abuse is the most hurtful of all. Ron is good with parts, for sure.

      I’m sorry you are down and not up and about and hope that changes soon.

      Just wondering – do you have a new blog address?

      Thanks Candy

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