Finally I’ve bobbed back up. Not very far up, but using my ‘laundry monitor’ (am I able to get it together enough to do an effing load of laundry), I’m back to functional. This has been a tough tough week. Not from any external source – just I could not cheer up enough to function at all normally.
Therapy tomorrow, and I’m going to beg for mercy I think. I cannot cope with so many days lost to despair, reset over and over by what gets discussed in therapy. Not that this is Ron’s fault. He responds to me, always. He doesn’t bring up topics, ever. The problem for me is that parts of me, young child parts, pop up and want the relief of time with Ron. Then they tell him what things were like for me growing up. Which was not too pleasant.
Then, I’m not sure what happens at home. Maybe I get stuck in these parts somehow. I feel unable to do things, cook or clean, read or listen to music or socialize. I spend a lot of time in bed, staring out my back window. Or at the wall. I lose hope. I always hang on, because I seem to remember regular life happens sometimes, and I want to be there for that.
I tend to feel better if I go out, especially somewhere where I interact with people a bit. Which makes me suspicious that maybe I’m able to switch out in those situations, and then that adult part stays in charge when I get back home.
I just went out for a ten minute walk, even though it’s getting dark. It felt good to get out there. I’m listening to podcasts at the moment. I think the listening is making me feel calmer – as if someone is walking along beside me talking to me. I want to feel free to go out, and feel calm while I’m out there, like I too belong, I too may enjoy being out with other people, the world is not always scary and lonely. Part of what’s holding me back is feeling unsafe while outside. Not hugely, just mildly. Which makes every venture outside my front door a challenge, beyond whatever challenges an event I’m going to has. For me, it’s a challenge just venturing out. Which is exhausting.
I want to capture a bit more of last week’s therapy. This is the section where the young teen part took over.
E. So I remember my bedroom? The wallpaper was kind of like wood, kind of textured.
R. Did you like your room?
E. I don’t know. It was OK.
I have started feeling a black kind of sadness.
E. School is hard. Like….I don’t have friends in high school. I had friends before, but not in high school. I had this one friend? L? But then we weren’t in the same classes anymore.
E. My mother. My mother is just stupid.
R. Why is she stupid.
E. She just is. She wants me to go to counseling. But I’m not crazy and I’m not going.
I switch out.
E. I became very very depressed as a young teenager. I think the school said something to my mother. She didn’t talk to me at all about how I felt. Just ‘counseling’ was going to fix me. I refused to go. I knew in my mother’s mind there was something very awful about ‘counseling’ and I wanted no part in it.
R. What would you have liked your mother to do, or to say to you?
E. Well, she could have gotten a clue. I mean, at this time, my father wasn’t speaking to me. Maybe she could have done something, stood up to him, at least acknowledge that this was going on. She wouldn’t. It was all about appearances, how things looked.
R. So if the school hadn’t said anything, she wouldn’t have noticed you were depressed.
E. Yeah, probably not. And my mother – she doesn’t talk about things. She literally does not know how to do that. So counseling was kind of her solution, instead of her involving herself in any way.
Then after I’ve explained about the depression, I switch back into this teenaged part. For her, life is completely bleak and overwhelming.
Ron says something about how I was abandoned by my family. That my parents were very bad at parenting. They might have been OK as people, but as parents, they were terrible. I appreciated him saying that. My family puts up such a front, everyone tends to comment what great people they are. I’ve never heard anyone say they were bad parents.
This has all happened in the second part of our session. In the last five minutes, Ron tries to help me switch back out, and offers an extra few minutes for me to gather myself together. However, I can’t really switch to an adult, and I leave very upset. I know I’ll switch out enough to drive home.