I’ve been low all week. I’m worried I’m going to stop blogging altogether, and I don’t want to do that, because it’s been helpful to me. I find things easier to bear if I can describe them. Plus I like having the record. Plus I enjoy my readers and the support that is offered. So it’s a good thing.
The difficulty at work has hit me really hard. I decided that I really didn’t have anything to apologize for. I didn’t want to make a thing when there wasn’t much of a problem.
It’s hard for me to tell if there is a problem. I’ve seen my boss only once in the last week. And he seems to have withdrawn completely. I’ve had no work to do at all, except for going to review meetings, and my boss missed two out of three of them.
I do feel there is a problem. However, this is work. I don’t want to mess around, talking about problems if they’re all in my own head. I have been much better in these last meetings. I’m pretty quiet, mainly facilitating everyone else. That should be my role anyway. I’m not there to be smart, I’m not there to get things done my way. I have lots of influence just by the fact that it’s my work – I need to be calm and accepting of everyone else at the meetings.
The manager who kind of mocked me is remorseful it seems – she now goes out of her way to wish me a good weekend, say hello, and is generally being nice to me. It’s fine – it’s work. I just go with it.
The good thing about being depressed like I have been is I’m very calm. Maybe I’m accepting reality more or something. It’s not pretty, but it’s real.
I wonder if therapy is not working. I feel so crap. I’d like to blame therapy.
Let’s see what I can remember about last session. It’s a day early – Ron is taking a week off, but has come in for one day, and I guess I’m one of the pathetic type clients whom he fits in that day. Or he just really likes me? I’d say it’s the first reason.
I really feel like I need to talk to him, whatever the reason I have an appointment. I thank him for coming in. I ask how his vacation is going, and he doesn’t say much – it’s good, something like that. No chatting with Ron.
I discuss the work situation. I wonder about the stresses that brought on my behaviour – I tell him about the cancer appointment, how it stressed me out. The deadline.
Ron thinks it has to do with my father. I talk about how I would argue with my father, how he always had to win. Ron brings up how he stopped talking to me. That was later, I say.
I spend quite a lot of time sitting in silence, feeling the badness of this situation. I think maybe if I can really feel it, I’ll be able to resolve it. It’s easier trying to feel with someone else there.
Towards the end of the session, the kid comes up. She wants to tell Ron about Frozen, we finally saw it, it was good….
We get back onto the topic of what might be going on with work. Ron suggests talking to my boss, even just saying that I thought I got a little intense there for a while….I tell him I don’t feel like doing that. What’s the risk? Ron asks. That I’m making an issue when there isn’t one.
Ron wants to tell me something. He starts talking, and it’s kind of complex…..and I feel so angry with him. I feel he shouldn’t be talking when I’m feeling all this pain. So I interrupt and tell him. I’m angry with you. Because you are supposed to be helping me and you’re not helping. Because….because you don’t know what it’s like to have cancer!
Ron looks at me. I’m glad you told me. What is it like to have cancer?
Well, it’s not nice. It’s bad. It’s really bad.
Then I switch out, back to the adult. Well, it’s not as if I really had cancer. I mean, I never was sick with it. I had surgery, I had to recover from that, that was all.
I guess I switch out of the anger – I no longer am feeling it. I feel fine about Ron – he’s sat with me and listened, and tried to help.
And we finish the session. Ron says he’s glad I told him I was angry. I thank him and leave.
I know I was angry with my boss, when I was arguing with him. Just the feeling. Because my boss hadn’t done much. He’d agreed to this ridiculous timeline, but then said not to worry about it. It obviously didn’t mean much, that he’d agreed to it. Maybe it was my general anger with men, coming out. It did have that feel – kind of a familiar pattern.
I wonder if I can repair this with the boss, without talking about it directly. Because I didn’t do anything wrong – it was the tone, and not being calm, and being combative. I don’t think this guy should hold it against me, if it’s just a one time thing. Anyone can have an off day, right?
Art: Marlene Steyn