A bit bogged down. I want to keep a record of my therapy, but it’s feeling so heavy and difficult, I’m avoiding writing it. Plus I feel as if I am so odd, writing about parts, so different from everyone else. Perhaps I am making the whole thing up….I don’t really think that, but I struggle with the feeling. It’s not something I share with people, that’s for sure.
Last week is hard to remember. I did tell Ron he looked more tired Fridays than Thursdays, and was he doing anything Thursday evenings that kept him up? Ron said no. Then that he didn’t shave Fridays. Apparently he doesn’t like shaving, and doesn’t shave every day. It’s true, I realized. He has a light stubble Fridays, which maybe I’m reading as fatigue. I have so little to go on, when I try and figure him out apart from myself.
Anyhow, that was vital, obviously. He he. What else.
We talked again about work – it’s one of my main struggles in life. My boss handed down an unexpected very tight deadline, given by his boss, for my project. I wasn’t consulted, and was frustrated, because I don’t think it is doable. It depends on several other people, which is where the hold ups occur, not just my own work.
I’ve also been struggling with feeling blank. For some reason, last week, I flipped into feeling blank, or numb, or dissociated, and couldn’t emerge. I hate that feeling. I think there is some part behind it, maybe trying to come out, or hiding. You’d think, when I struggle with a lot of dark feelings, I’d be OK with numbness, but I’m not. That state feels threatening to me, uncomfortable, like a constant itch.
Ron asks if I’ve been trying to feel what’s underneath the blankness, and I say I have, but it’s not working.
Then some of the parts talked a bit with Ron. I ended up with one very young part. She talked about being at work. The building where I work has an very tall atrium, which can seem kind of dark and shadowy. This part talked about how afraid she was of being there.
There’s a small cafe there, where we went to take a break from work and have a tea and a treat. In my session, this part keeps feeling like she’s there in the cafe, and scared. All the people scare her – they’re wearing suits, they have blackberries, briefcases….I don’t know. Are they really people or are they not human?
Ron: What if they’re not human? What do unhuman people do?
This child says she doesn’t know. Ron asks a few more questions. The child is very shy and very young and doesn’t say much more.
Ron thinks she seems younger than the kid. She’s certainly more shy.
Then I’m back. I talk about how I had trouble staying adult in a meeting. No big deal, but I hate it. I guess I got anxious, and said some things in a childish voice. One of the managers there copied my voice, so then I realized I was doing that. It wasn’t a complete switch, but partial, with mostly just the voice. I must have become anxious, that happens to me then.
I tell Ron I started to remember that my father used to make jokes about me. I remembered a friend from school coming over and commenting on it – why was he saying mean things about me? I always pretended I didn’t notice.
I can’t remember what he used to say, just that he did.
Ron says I’m fighting for myself – remembering what happened, so if I treat myself like that, I notice it. Something like that.
That’s about it. I was OK going home, but tired the rest of the day. The next day, I was so down I couldn’t leave the house, and mostly stayed in bed. I think it was something about the young part that spoke about being scared at work. I don’t think she’s spoken much before. I’m unclear as to who she is. She does remind me of Beth – maybe it’s her.
There’s something about these very young parts emerging that unleashes really bad feelings – hopeless feelings.
Sunday was better. Plus I was no longer numb.
The whole thing is difficult.