I’ve been having trouble sleeping, waking up several times at night, sometimes frightened and lonely. And I’ve been struggling a bit at work. Nothing is going wrong there, in fact, last time I was in my client came and told me what a great job I’m doing. So that’s good I suppose. Just I have a hard time staying there all day, and I’m exhausted at night.
Today I was feeling pretty tired. I went in, and talked about my sleep issues. And work. Work had actually improved somewhat since last week. Last week we’d discussed a bit how meetings were freaking me out – I panic when I want to stay calm. The kid pops out when I need to stay adult. Talking about it last week seemed to help improve the situation. It wasn’t so much what Ron said, just the chance to air it out and consider it, mostly. So I told Ron that had helped.
I keep starting and stopping, not knowing what to talk about to make things better.
Ron comments that I seemed to be coming from quite a young place, when I came in. I’m not sure what he means. We talked a bit about hockey (this is Canada, you can’t avoid hockey at the moment, even in the wine store, the cashier chatted about hockey). And it was a different day than usual, I mentioned that. I try to think how I was young, but really, that may just be me when I don’t feel great, with the kid kind of flickering through.
I have forgotten several things I meant to talk about, and fall silent. I feel a bunch of parts wanting time, or being agitated, and I don’t know what to do. I suspect it’s parts that are waking up scared at night, so I want to let that part speak, because that will help with sleeping.
First I feel like there is a wall. It is transparent. I’m on one side, where the air is clear. On the other side is a whole bunch of confusion, an avalanche. Ron asks which side the parts are on. I tell him I suppose it’s the other side of the wall.
We go back and forth a bit more. We talk about the inner critic that just hammers me constantly. It’s a part, it’s like a child part but it’s furious with me all the time. I’ll talk about that another time.
Then in the last fifteen minutes – why is it always the last fifteen minutes? the kid takes over. She starts listing all the difficulties she has. The kid is interesting, because she is oriented to the present, in a way the other parts I’ve met aren’t. She talks about things that happen in our daily life.
First I feel lonely, just stabs of loneliness, so I mention that. Ron wonders if we are not connecting, if I’m feeling alone even though we’re there together. I don’t really think that’s it. My feelings towards you haven’t changed in the last few minutes, I say. Maybe it’s more of a memory of loneliness.
And then I think the kid starts talking. She wrote Ron an email but we didn’t send it. It was about how tired she was from work. And how at work, we sit in a cubicle, and we have to sit there all day. She doesn’t know if anyone likes her or doesn’t like her. But we can go buy tea, and we can walk around, and we can buy sweets, and we can buy lunch and pretty much anything, we can buy it. (According to the kid. For her, it’s excellent that we have money, unlike when we were actually five years old.)
The kid cries a lot, about how difficult working is for her. And other things which I now can’t remember. It’s amazing how much emotion this part of me has – sadness, longing for connection, loneliness. She talks in a childish way, and I just let it happen. I’m tired of it all going on and hanging on to it by myself.
Ron says that this part of myself was abandoned in my family, so now we need to listen and care about it. It’s easier to do that with someone else, rather than trying to do it alone.
Then another part of me is angry at myself for letting all this stuff out. Ron wants to speak with this part also, but she won’t speak with him.
At the end of the session, I’m having some trouble switching out again. I wish I had my grounding crystal with me, but I forgot it at home. Turns out Ron has a basket with crystals in it – much larger and nicer than the ones I have. He hands me the basket. There are shells also. I pick out a pink one, then one with some black in it also. Wow. I never knew he had this basket in his office, after several years! I feel a bit better holding the crystal, then quickly put it back and scoot out of his office.
So – I had adult stuff to talk about – a situation with my ex and my son, and one with a friend I saw on the weekend – everything whooshed out of my mind, and just the kid stuff stayed. We don’t have careful insightful discussions, that’s for sure. We do these child talks. But they are what I need. When we talk with ‘insight’, mostly it feels very distant and unreal to me. I seem to need the let the kid speak. So that’s what I’m going to keep doing. Though it feels crazy, when I think about it, I guess that’s my path.