Whoa. OK. I cooked a dinner with two veg, that wasn’t bad really. I’ll fix the squash next meal – bake it with sugar and grapeseed oil and cinnamon. I went out to stores I don’t usually venture to, and got natural chicken legs. Plus a soft pillow case, to help my eye, so I have spares and can keep changing them. All very good things.
In addition, I did dark laundry so I’ll have lots of choices in what to wear. Check. Plus yesterday I finally paid my two visa bills. Plus I remitted some taxes. OK, I may have made a mistake on the year because it’s easy to do on the computer. But still. I’m kind of up to date, at least unless I messed up the year, so it’s better than it was.
I switched out a meeting to one better suited to my project. I realized on the weekend I needed to do that, I did it, and it’s fine. I have some control over what happens at work.
I walked some, in the sun, so at least got a tiny bit of exercise. Yes, I want to join the gym and I’ll do it, just didn’t do that today, OK?
I did some work, and I researched some products for work. Yes, it would have been good to do that before, but I didn’t think of it before, so give me a break?
I am battling a terrible critical voice. I really heard it today when I went into some stores. I’d go in, start looking at things, and feel so small and defeated. And I realized, I am beating myself up for any choice I make. With any choice, I am not choosing another option, and as I do the one thing, the voice berates me for not doing the other thing. (BTW, it’s not a literal voice. More a sense.)
For instance. I go into Natural Big Deal Farm Great Meat Store. I haven’t been there before, so I look at everything that is available. Everything is expensive – maybe two or three times conventional price. I finally pick up some chicken drum sticks. I feel awful. And I realize, I’m beating myself up for wasting so much money on chicken drumsticks.
Wait a minute. Why is it a waste? I’ve decided to eat natural meat. The animals get treated better, it’s healthier, and I can afford it. Then I picture Ron – one time I mentioned buying natural chicken, and he said something approvingly about my taking care of myself, and I was so surprised, he was positive about it. So I pictured Ron, saying good for you for taking care of yourself. And I felt better.
It’s difficult to live when an internal critic jabbers at you for every little thing you do. There are always other options, with pros and cons. I am not going to let myself be beat up anymore for my choices in chicken purchases.
I swear I’m not. I’m worth more than that. I’m worth a lot and I will not beat myself up.