Natural chicken

chicken_drawing_by_bethyeehah-d4kq5brNot wanting to beat myself up. Because….OK, the squash was huge, so it didn’t get quite cooked enough, but almost. The chicken legs weren’t the best. My place is messy.

Whoa. OK. I cooked a dinner with two veg, that wasn’t bad really. I’ll fix the squash next meal – bake it with sugar and grapeseed oil and cinnamon. I went out to stores I don’t usually venture to, and got natural chicken legs. Plus a soft pillow case, to help my eye, so I have spares and can keep changing them. All very good things.

In addition, I did dark laundry so I’ll have lots of choices in what to wear. Check. Plus yesterday I finally paid my two visa bills. Plus I remitted some taxes. OK, I may have made a mistake on the year because it’s easy to do on the computer. But still. I’m kind of up to date, at least unless I messed up the year, so it’s better than it was.

I switched out a meeting to one better suited to my project. I realized on the weekend I needed to do that, I did it, and it’s fine. I have some control over what happens at work.

I walked some, in the sun, so at least got a tiny bit of exercise. Yes, I want to join the gym and I’ll do it, just didn’t do that today, OK?

I did some work, and I researched some products for work. Yes, it would have been good to do that before, but I didn’t think of it before, so give me a break?

I am battling a terrible critical voice. I really heard it today when I went into some stores. I’d go in, start looking at things, and feel so small and defeated. And I realized, I am beating myself up for any choice I make. With any choice, I am not choosing another option, and as I do the one thing, the voice berates me for not doing the other thing. (BTW, it’s not a literal voice. More a sense.)

For instance. I go into Natural Big Deal Farm Great Meat Store. I haven’t been there before, so I look at everything that is available. Everything is expensive – maybe two or three times conventional price. I finally pick up some chicken drum sticks. I feel awful. And I realize, I’m beating myself up for wasting so much money on chicken drumsticks.

Wait a minute. Why is it a waste? I’ve decided to eat natural meat. The animals get treated better, it’s healthier, and I can afford it. Then I picture Ron – one time I mentioned buying natural chicken, and he said something approvingly about my taking care of myself, and I was so surprised, he was positive about it. So I pictured Ron, saying good for you for taking care of yourself. And I felt better.

It’s difficult to live when an internal critic jabbers at you for every little thing you do. There are always other options, with pros and cons. I am not going to let myself be beat up anymore for my choices in chicken purchases.

I swear I’m not. I’m worth more than that. I’m worth a lot and I will not beat myself up.

Art: Chicken Drawing, Beth Yeehah

  1. Gel said:

    Wow I’m impressed. You got so much done on so many levels.


    I can really relate to how you describe the inner critic….that goes on in my mind a lot of the time. I like how you said it’s not a literal voice but more a sense…YES!…that makes it even more slippery. Sometimes to me it has seemed more a mood or attitude than a critical voice with specific words.

    Cooking is messy. Lots of work involved in cooking from scratch…even just the shopping is a big task. I can also relate to confronting the higher costs of the better quality meats. We are luck to have local farms near by with grass raised animals…where you can go meet the farmers etc…It’s still a lot of work but then it becomes a project that is fulfilling on many levels. Becomes a lifestyle I suppose.

    I admire your willingness to keep exploring the healthy cooking projects. Cooking for two here, I still spend a lot of time doing it….trying to keep it interesting for my husband. If I were cooking only for me I’d still do a lot of the same things but I’d be happy with simpler and more of the same thing over and over in order to not spend so much time in the kitchen.

    With all that you got done and the up beat tone of this post…do you see yourself in a really good place internally? If so – to what do you attribute this?


    • Ellen said:

      Yes, and just becoming aware is a step I need to take more often.

      I like the idea of cooking being a lifestyle. That would be good. It’s mostly a chore that I struggle with, but I hope to transform this. I think cooking in the morning, when possible, and for others, would help.

      Actually, I don’t feel especially cheerful. I’m trying to buck myself up I suppose. For writing, it’s all a matter of focus – I can focus on what I’m trying to do, or what I’m trying to heal – the problem, or the way through. Both are worthwhile IMO. I can see it does give a more cheerful impression when I describe more of a healing process, rather than the bleakness. 🙂

      Thanks Gel. xox

  2. I’m working on talking kindly to myself, too. I like the idea of envisioning approval to help over ride the inner critic. Thanks for a tip when I need it. Progress not perfection is a motto that helps me be kind to myself.

    • Ellen said:

      Envisioning a kind observer helps a lot I find. thanks Ruth

  3. Hi Ellen,

    I’ve been following along, as always, without commenting when I have nothing to add.
    Very nice post you’ve written.

    I wonder, when the critical voice fades away momentarily, even for a second, what is left? What is left when the other voices stop their chattering, if even for just a brief fraction of a millisecond?

    Isn’t it funny how you can feel like you’ve been beaten to the very ground, that you’ve given up on everything, and then, sometime later–realize that you’re still trying? That you can’t seem to truly give up?

    I won’t bother to provide my own answers to these questions, just a line of thought to pursue if you’re curious…

    • Ellen said:

      Thanks Aaron. Lovely to hear from you again.

      Well, I figure you are talking about Buddhism. Which is great, I’m interested. Because I’m working with parts though, for me, when the critical voice stops, other hurt child parts are move visible. These are needy vulnerable parts the critic is keeping at bay.

      I think you’re alluding to ‘no self’ perhaps. Haven’t found that yet. But sometimes I have felt a sense of peace when all the chatter stops for a while.

      Not sure about the questions in your third paragraph. Hmmm. I think it’s natural in life that there is always some part of us that’s maybe still fighting….

      Thanks for your perspective, it is thought provoking.

      • Aaron said:

        Hi Ellen. Nope it’s not Buddhism and I don’t consider myself Buddhist by any stretch. I wouldn’t describe what I’m asking as no self so much as truly asking what part of you might be bigger than and inclusive of said voices.

        The fighting question is meant as a good thing. The part of me that keeps fighting is like true human spirit and its interesting to see how I can feel knocked down and then find a way to get up once again.


        • Ellen said:

          Hmmm….I don’t know. Me I guess. Maybe some better more calm self?

          I like your take on the fighting spirit. Maybe it’s resilience.

          Thanks for clarifying

  4. The important part: “And I felt better.”
    Despite what those voices tell you, point that out to yourself if nobody else.
    After all, it’s about being happy, isn’t it?
    It’s most people’s goal in life.
    Why not make it your own. And it sounds like you did a bit.
    “And I felt better.”
    I like it.
    Makes me feel better about you. 😀

    • Ellen said:

      Thanks Jeffssong. Excellent to meet you.

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