Again I feel this huge block to writing here. It’s part of what I’m also feeling in therapy. That feeling of it being a very very bad thing to talk to anyone about anything that bothers me. That sense of prohibition is so strong.
Plus I can’t remember my sessions the way I used to anymore. I think as soon as parts are involved, though I’m completely conscious and there at all times, I don’t remember very well what happened.
I remember Ron was looking a little rough around the edges Friday. I didn’t say anything, but later really wondered if something difficult was going on for him in his life or maybe with his clients. Since I happen to know one of his very young clients has a history of long hospital admissions – I always wonder if she’s gone off the rails again, and what that’s like for him. He so strongly disbelieves in the medical system, especially in meds and especially in anti psychotics – and this client is right in the midst of all that kind of treatment. Well. To me.
I don’t know. I was scared again the whole time I was driving to therapy, and basically remained scared while there also. I told Ron about it. I said I thought it was a part that was scared, as it didn’t feel like me. Then I let the part speak.
“It’s very bad to talk about things. I shouldn’t be talking and I shouldn’t be here.”
“What happens if you talk about things?”
“I don’t know. People don’t like me then. They think I’m not nice. They could stop talking to me and they could stop liking me. It’s bad to talk.”
Ron reassured that part that it isn’t bad to talk about things, that he doesn’t agree with whoever told me that.
Then the kid showed him a picture she’d drawn. We were both really shy to show that. The kid knows / feels she can’t draw ‘too good’, and I do not feel at all impressed with my artistic talent. Anyhoo. My drawings are more energetic scribbles than anything else – blocks of crayon colour. Then I write words that are in my mind sometimes. Ron gazed at the drawing for a while, then said it reminds him of what it might be like to be in parts. I can see what he means – it’s all blocks of colour, and kind of chaotic. Not unified anyhow.
I’d had a bad dream that night which woke me up at five in the morning. That dream scared me and talking about it scared me more. I wanted to move on from it pretty fast. Ron asked if I need to move away from things that scare me.
I can’t bear to discuss the dream at the moment. It’s nothing graphic or obviously scary really. Maybe next time. Once I discuss a dream, it really lingers in my mind, and one of the images, of being driven through the night in a van with a group of people, keeps coming back to me.
This session I don’t cry. Parts speak a bit, but we also discuss dancing class and my social fears. Ron says when I change my relationship to myself, I’ll change my relationship to others. That I need to take my attention away from how others are perceiving me, and put it onto what I feel and what I need. Easier said than done. With this kind of advice – how do I follow it? Perhaps it’s not really meant as advice though – more a comment.
Oh yes, and at home, I unexpectedly fall apart and want to quit therapy. I wake up that night feeling so humiliated. First by dance class. Second by having parts that speak to Ron in session. The whole thing seems to me to be Ron’s fault. Then, the next day, I calm down. I realize it’s not his fault.
It continues absolutely freezing here. Though sunny. I hesitate about going out at the best of times. In this mess, it’s almost impossible to get me out the door. However, I did go and get my hair cut today, though I took the car. And got groceries. And went to the natural foods store, where I accidentally bought the most expensive butternut squash ever – five bucks. Jeeze Louise. Tonight I will show up at dance class also. Mainly because a friend will be there. It’s so much easier to go out if a friend is out there also.
I’m grateful for a sunny apartment today.