I bored my boss / client in our working meeting – he kept yawning uncontrollably. I felt it was my fault. Then afterwards, I thought, if it had been me yawning uncontrollably, I’d have felt it was my fault also, for being down or whatever.
My job involves editing and re-writing policies where I often don’t understand the content, so I have meetings with managers to try and figure things out, in this case my boss. It can be painful to work through these documents. You have to sit with not knowing the answers, uncertain about what should be done. It’s quite painful until it starts coming together. I figure that’s part of why they pay me, an outsider, to do this. Even though I don’t have to work endless hours, often when I do work I have to endure work that is difficult and ambiguous.
My boss is new to this kind of work, though he’s worked for the organization for many years, so he knows the subject. He is not used to dealing with the difficulties.
Or maybe I’m a boring person. I’m going to try and make our next meeting better. Maybe I’m somehow not allowing his creativity? Or squashing him somehow? I feel bad torturing someone, even if it’s just an hour’s meeting, lol. We meet again tomorrow – hope I can find a bit of a different approach. I value collaborating with him, because trying to figure this document out by myself is torturous.
The second failure and yet success was my salsa class. I dragged myself there after work. It’s only an hour, and it’s close to home. I dosed myself with xanax in the hopes that this time I would not dissociate. I was a lot calmer, but started also feeling immensely sad. I wonder if a deep sadness lies underneath all the anxiety.
You dance with partners, changing partners every few minutes. They’re mostly quite young men, there with their girlfriends. All my issues with my appearance come up. Of course, to them I am immensely old and ugly. Sigh. And then, I’m kind of slow to learn. I keep missing steps, so I’m not an ideal partner. Some of them aren’t too great either though.
I like the tips I get – holding the frame, keeping my body steady. It feels like keeping boundaries between myself and my partner. I like how there are ways of doing everything, so you don’t have to guess. It can give a kind of calmness when you just float along, doing the steps the instructor calls out, without having to think.
Being that close to a bunch of men is new too. I know it feel somewhat dangerous to me, but I also think it’s good practice. It’s very safe.
One part that hurt my feelings – the instructor took turns with all the women, and when you’re his partner, he dances with you to instruct everyone else. When it was my turn, he demonstrated with another student instead of me – I’m not that great. I think I was the only one where he did that. Also one of the fellows there made a comment that was somewhat hurtful.
So what. I’m a success because I went despite being tired from work and despite my pretty huge fears. Learning to move somewhat gracefully to music is a good thing. I want to inhabit my body more, and this is a good way of trying to do that. I wish sometimes I could just slow it down more, or take a break when I need, but with just one hour, and partners depending on me, it’s not possible. Still I did good and I am proud of myself.