I’m feeling better. Still with issues, but the depression has receded somewhat. I no longer think about killing myself first thing in the morning, at least. That sounds a little harsh, but it’s good to remind myself that when I feel like that, that is depression, and it will get better and I’ll think differently again.
I’ve been trying two activities – church, and salsa dancing. Neither is going that well, so they may not be activities for me, but it’s good to try things. I may not be a churchy kind of a gal. I am looking for God, it’s true. I want to develop my spirituality. And church is easy to go to, no special planning is required, and it’s somewhat social, which is what I want. Just….
Sometimes it seems a set-up for hypocrisy. Talking about being loving and kind to all. What if your real self isn’t loving and kind to all? What to do? You hide your real self away anxiously. Plus…my social anxiety really kicked in at church. I’m worried about how my voice sounds, singing, and saying the prayers and readings. I’m worried I screech those high notes.
Then I’m anxious at coffee time. People make an effort to talk to me. I don’t know. Last time, the whole deal gave me severe anxiety. I imagined I seem mentally ill, that they could all see it and felt sorry for me. Or scared of me. Or something.
Still – I like some things about it. I like that it’s open to all – a way to be with many kinds of people, older, children, etc, not just a few women my age. And like I said, I am looking for God. Not a bad idea to learn from others who have looked before me.
I’ve been to salsa dancing to keep a friend company. I am not a good salsa dancer. But I kind of like it. But….I end up dissociated. That is, feeling two dimensional, unable to sleep or to relax. It makes me so angry, that I can’t enjoy something simple like taking a dance class because of this automatic mechanism that kicks in.
As to therapy. I’m working with parts. Last session started out very anxious. I was worried about saying anything, in case I felt as bad as I did after the previous session. So I sat, maybe five minutes, at one point getting up to go. But I ended up talking about it instead.
I ended up feeling connected and supported that session. Different parts spoke with Ron. They long for contact with him, like kids who are drowning and see a grown-up out there. If I don’t let them speak, they feel so abandoned I can’t stand it. I tell Ron I could spend the session talking about my problems in an adult manner. Just I would get beat up once at home.
I am learning not to be angry with Beth. I’ve always hated this part, without being quite conscious of that. She is so shy and so sad. In my family, shy and sad were not acceptable ways of being. Maybe that’s why I disliked her so. It’s very difficult, being kind and accepting to a part I haven’t accepted before. The thing is, her pain is so deep, it stops me from getting on with my life. So I’ve felt I have to push her away.
It’s true, if she takes over, I will not be able to function.
But being kind to her also feels good. It’s a day to day new way of navigating. Trying to be a good mother to very damaged parts. It means allowing them their feelings, but also moving away from them so I can offer comfort and do things they need done.