I have been having trouble speaking but I’m just going to go ahead anyway. Um…..
I went back to therapy last week. It was a ‘grown-up’ type session. It was OK I guess but I had a really difficult time afterwards. I think I switched to a young hurt part and couldn’t get back out. Saturday I stayed home all day, unable to function really. I know going out among people helps me switch back, so I got all ready to go out, then just couldn’t make it. I took my coat back off, put down my bag and laid down again.
I couldn’t really get anything done except just be with the pain.
It was a really really awful time. Finally Saturday afternoon I fell asleep, then when I woke up I was again in a more normal state. Depressed, but I could again feel the edges of things, like I could move things around. Some adult abilities returned.
I still feel I’m not connecting with Ron. We talked about a fight I’d had with a friend, and again about the group. I know I sent him an email after, angry about how he talked about group, and how we weren’t connecting. I can’t remember the details now. He’d said when I talk about it, I am trying to change his experience of it. He said that at the start, before I’d said anything. I can see how that would be disturbing I suppose.
I wrote him afterwards that this has been my experience with him – that he is trying to change my experience of group. I put in an example – how I’d said everyone was against me that last group, and he’d said not everyone, and Id said OK three out of five, and he’d said it was only the last group, not two years. And that was the end of the conversation. I wrote him that wasn’t my experience of having been scapegoated enough of a topic? Yes, he brought up some facts, but I thought the whole point was the feelings? And I wrote I was now willing to drop the subject, that I thought he’d been tired of it for a few months now, and I didn’t think it likely we’d get anywhere with it.
Ron wrote back even though I hadn’t asked him to, which is unusual. I was massively upset with him, and it was so nice to receive a response. He just wrote he thinks it’s very important we keep talking about it. Go figure.
We talked a bit about my family – Ron said dysfunctional families have scapegoats, and I am it for my family. Interesting then I felt the same thing in group, no?
We talked about a former friend I had. I admired a lot of things about her – she’s a very intelligent, educated person who reads a lot. However, she was really bad with feelings. I used to confide my problems, to an extent, which caused her to look down on me.
Ron pointed out that I’m taking people’s failings personally, instead of seeing them as their failings. If someone can’t listen and empathize with their friend, that is a weakness they have – it doesn’t mean the person trying to tell her tale is wrong. I do do that. I think it is my fault, then at the same time, I get furiously angry and end the relationship.
I wondered why I feel the strong need to break off friendships like that, instead of weathering the storm. And then, after the session, I felt the same impulse towards Ron – thinking if only I quit therapy, I’d feel better.
I know it’s a problem I have.
Maybe the fact that no parts got to speak was the problem with the session. For child parts, even a week is an eon between seeing Ron. This had been two weeks, two very hard weeks, so it was maybe too much for them not to get any time.
At the same time, I didn’t feel I trusted him that much and didn’t want to be that vulnerable with child parts.
I told Ron in session that I’d been giving him a break from emails from me. Which I’ve continued this week, except the one.
R. How was that?
E. OK I guess. I just realized I have to take care of myself.
R. How did you do that?
E. Well….one thing I sometimes do is read about Buddhism. It makes me feel calmer. It’d be better to actually meditate I guess, but often I can’t manage that. There’s this one author I like, she’s very self-helpy. She has an exercise where you first touch on the hurt or the shame, whatever it is, and allow it. Then the second part is you hold that part in compassion, kind of feeling it and holding it at the same time. That helps.
R. So you held the hurting part of you in compassion?
Thinking back on the session, it was pretty reasonable. Ron was interested and attentive. We had our usual skirmish about group, but other than that, it was OK. So I don’t understand how come I fell apart so drastically afterwards.
I’ll go in tomorrow and talk about that. Maybe see if parts can talk. I just don’t want to feel the same way again. Yet when I don’t know what was wrong, what can I do?