xmasWishing everyone who reads along a good holiday.

I am in a bad mood and can’t get it together to write about holidays. I had an OK time, but being with family was triggering. Plus I ate some wheat type cookies, stuffing, etc, and am consequentially nauseated on and off.

I wish I hadn’t had such a ‘bad’ therapy session last week. I feel disconnected and at odds with Ron, and therefore disconnected with everyone.

So life seems lonely and empty, though it’s no different than before. When I do spend time with friends, I’m not good company, and I find myself judging them, and being unhappy.

Today I was depressed and felt stuck at home. I know in those situations I need to get out and be around others. Finally I went out. I did feel better. Then, sadly, I ate a brownie in an attempt to cheer the kid up, and of course, now I feel sick. I cannot eat grains. The brownie did cheer me up while I was eating it though. Sweet, rich and salty.

I’m also mistrusting that I have parts. I am ashamed of the kid parts, so I’m not taking care of them very well. It’s hard to take care of what you hope isn’t there.

Last year I bought the kid little presents, wrapped them up, and opened them on Christmas. She loved them. Which seems so odd, since it’s all me. Anyhow. This year, because I was sick, I didn’t have time to do that, and so I believe that part feels sad, and so I feel sad.

Because toys. good food, parties, time off from work – those are good things, and things I can appreciate. Yet sometimes, I just fall into a depressed hole, and it is so deep, I cannot haul myself out. It’s like becoming strangely disabled.

I am grateful for finding comfort in reading. Also I am grateful that though my apartment lost power for a day and a half, warmth and heat returned fairly quickly, a far better situation for me than for others in my ice storm plagued city.

I wish you peace and hope.

  1. It’s not too late for presents… maybe for New Year’s… šŸ™‚ I bet the younger you’s would like that. Are there any movies you could all enjoy? I heard Monster’s University is good.

    Sorry about the depression. And yes, it’s a type of disability, at least that’s what I have come to believe. Wondering what it would mean for you to accept that about yourself, if you choose to. For me, it’s meant getting real about what I can accomplish, both in terms of work, household and in my relationships, and also learning to be way more gentle and forgiving with myself. I don’t know if it’s the depression, ptsd, bipolar or general stress that has sidetracked me, but I’m simply not the same person I used to be.

    • Ellen said:

      I did end up buying some small gifts for kid parts, and they were much appreciated! Thanks for suggesting.

      I am for self-acceptance and treating self with compassion. I’ve been limited in what I can accomplish lately, but I’m not ready to call it permanent either. I think things are shifting. I was more pessimistic when I wrote this though. I’m sorry that for you it is so very difficult though.


  2. Ruth said:

    I describe that black hole feeling like playing a marble game and suddenly dropping through one of the holes. It can be unexpected or unsurprising when I become aware of the triggers that can cause it. Bummer on feeling disconnected. Hopefully the new year will bring back your feeling of connectedness.
    Take care,

    • Ellen said:

      Yep, that’s the feeling. I’ve been reading more about dissociation, and I’m suspecting that a stuck child part is triggered out when these ‘black hole’ type experiences happen. Thank you Ruth

      • Ruth said:

        Your welcome. Just wanted to let you know I am cheering for you.

  3. I wish you the same — peace and hope. Thanks so much for this post.

  4. Gel said:

    I definitely think depression (and other stuff like anxiety etc) are disabling. Though I don’t like labels and I think there are problems with labels like that, I notice that it changed how I feel about myself to see depression as a disability. I felt less shame and less critical of myself when I saw it that way. This helped me to makes better choices, more realistic choices about what I do and who I’m around. The shame mode makes me want to isolate and numb out even more which then makes me more depressed.

    I didn’t understand this line: “Iā€™m also mistrusting that I have parts”. Do you mean that you question whether or not that you have parts? Regardless of what the answer is to that…I found it helpful to read the next lines. It is hard to take care of what you hope isn’t there…or what you are ashamed of. Bingo – I need to think about that as I feel it is true for me. What I feel ashamed of in myself I feel is not worthy of caring for….I guess.

    Thank you for the wishes of peace and hope, that is very sweet of you to say given that you aren’t feeling good.

    I imagine that your kid would still enjoy some gifts even though it’s after Christmas.

    Wishing you some joy and peace as well.

    • Ellen said:

      I like your idea of less shame.

      Yes. We had a back and forth on this in my last session – maybe I’m making it up about the parts? I’m going to write it out in another post. It’s so true that it is impossible to care for what we are ashamed of in ourselves. Thanks for focusing on that, because it’s a deep truth IMO.

      Got her some gifts, and it was an instant mood lifter! For really a small amount of cash.

      Thank you Gel. Happy New Year.

  5. Cat said:

    Hi Ellen… I think this is one of your most open and honest posts about ‘parts’. It somehow makes sense to hear that you feel ashamed of your parts and I wonder if this is partly what you find so unsettling in therapy? Maybe you are struggling to explore these parts with Ron? Remember what I said once before about displaced anger being a distraction technique?

    I also feel in that same post Christmas dark hole… there’s still time for buying the younger parts a new year gift!

    I wish you peace and health for 2014, Ellen

    • Ellen said:

      I do feel a lot of shame around parts. They are needy and childlike, and not like the ‘regular’ me. You could be right about displaced anger – I just don’t know. I’m still feeling a lot of it, even after two weeks away from therapy.

      Hope you’re out of the dark hole by now. I felt a real sense of hope and normal life returning today. I was just out doing errands and it struck me that things seem brighter once again. Thank you Cat and all the best for the new year!

      • Cat said:

        Thank you, Ellen. I also feel a little better today…onwards and upwards, eh?!!

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