I am in a bad mood and can’t get it together to write about holidays. I had an OK time, but being with family was triggering. Plus I ate some wheat type cookies, stuffing, etc, and am consequentially nauseated on and off.
I wish I hadn’t had such a ‘bad’ therapy session last week. I feel disconnected and at odds with Ron, and therefore disconnected with everyone.
So life seems lonely and empty, though it’s no different than before. When I do spend time with friends, I’m not good company, and I find myself judging them, and being unhappy.
Today I was depressed and felt stuck at home. I know in those situations I need to get out and be around others. Finally I went out. I did feel better. Then, sadly, I ate a brownie in an attempt to cheer the kid up, and of course, now I feel sick. I cannot eat grains. The brownie did cheer me up while I was eating it though. Sweet, rich and salty.
I’m also mistrusting that I have parts. I am ashamed of the kid parts, so I’m not taking care of them very well. It’s hard to take care of what you hope isn’t there.
Last year I bought the kid little presents, wrapped them up, and opened them on Christmas. She loved them. Which seems so odd, since it’s all me. Anyhow. This year, because I was sick, I didn’t have time to do that, and so I believe that part feels sad, and so I feel sad.
Because toys. good food, parties, time off from work – those are good things, and things I can appreciate. Yet sometimes, I just fall into a depressed hole, and it is so deep, I cannot haul myself out. It’s like becoming strangely disabled.
I am grateful for finding comfort in reading. Also I am grateful that though my apartment lost power for a day and a half, warmth and heat returned fairly quickly, a far better situation for me than for others in my ice storm plagued city.
I wish you peace and hope.