I’m not at all in a good place as regards therapy at the moment. Maybe it’s the stress of having been sick for a week, combined with Christmas, combined with having gone to a family event a few days ago. That’s a lot of stress.
I feel like Ron has really let me down. He seems fed up with my obsession with the group (which probably any faithful readers are also). I can see that obsession is irritating. However, he’s a therapist, and it’s his job to make something of this. Which he hasn’t. The only thing I remember him saying about it is that I seem to be seeing this in a ‘monolithic’ way, as if everyone was always angry with me. Maybe. I tell him to me it seemed monolithic – overwhelming, to have three out of five people in a group expressing anger at me on the same evening, with the leader abstaining. We are not getting past this. He thinks I’m wrong, but doesn’t say much unless I ask him direct questions. Which, in my sick and stressed state, I don’t do.
I feel like quitting and looking for a new therapist. Being attached to a therapist is helpful when it’s going well – I feel cared about and connected. When it’s going badly, it really sucks. I feel like something vital is missing, like I can’t get enough air or something.
We met today. I sent him a follow-up email, not really angry yet, just feeling very disconnected. He hasn’t yet replied – most likely he’s busy. It is Christmas after all. As the evening wore on and he didn’t respond, I’ve become more and more angry, to the point of wanting to quit. I look up a few therapist websites. How on earth can you tell if you want to see someone from a website?
Things were going OK too. I wasn’t in a Christmas depression, just dealing with being sick. Now I feel really awful.
I hope to have a better perspective tomorrow. It could be though that we cannot get through this problem with group – it may be the rock our therapy ship breaks up on.