Best skip this if you find obsession painful. I’ve listened to others obsess and I remember how irritating it is.
I wish I’d written about this group stuff closer to my therapy session, because I felt more resolved about it at the time. Maybe it’s because I’ve been sick, so completely alone and in my place for three days now, or maybe it’s the cough stirring things up again, but again I’m back in that anxiety that group was ‘wrong’ and I have to do something.
If Ron wanted to ‘deepen the conversation’, couldn’t he have deepened it by talking with me about my feelings? After all, three out of five people there were angry with me, with the other two too reticent to say much. I had lots to talk about.
I do understand now why he talked to A, and I’m no longer taking it to mean that he agreed with her anger at me. I did take it that way at the time, which was very painful.
When E told me she didn’t have time for my ‘bullshit’, I could have hit back. I could have asked her if my feelings were bullshit to her, and how long she’d felt like that. It would have been nice if someone else had spoken up, but I could have. I was too flattened by all the other things that had happened there to me to do so at the time. I should have.
Instead I just subsided and let her talk. A large part of me agreed with her – I was obviously in the wrong, guilty, bad through and through. I felt like that already, so when she said it, I didn’t fight back.
When really, I knew then as well as now that this woman projected bad things onto me throughout our two years together in the group. She was completely unable to see me, she was so busy with her imaginings. She would be the last person to know if I truly was guilty of anything, since she saw the least twitch of my eyebrow as an attack on her.
It’s like I gave up on myself there. I knew this about E, but I subsided in guilt and silence.
Well, it’s well in the past and I need to let it go. However Ron is here in my present. As commenter Ruth pointed out. Yep. Is he trustworthy?
It seemed to me he badly let me down in the last two group sessions. I felt betrayed and abandoned by him. I felt he chose others and let me drown.
On the other hand, I understand what he is saying. First of all he remembers events differently than I do. But, he thinks we just end up going around in circles when we get into ‘he said, she said’ types of conversations. He said that maybe it would have been better if group had gone another way, and maybe not. The fact is it went the way it did.
Um yeah, and you were there to do something about that, no?
I guess talking about the process was good. Group has a certain process, where he tries to get at the roots of people’s feelings. But he didn’t. No one seemed to feel much different after venting their feelings IMO. A didn’t realize I wasn’t causing her bad feelings, that’s for sure.
Darn. I’m right back in all the anxiety of it. The fact is, Ron is very helpful at the moment, with parts, and even discussing the group, he makes sense at the time. It’s just, I still feel angry. As if I’ve been treated unjustly. Sad about it all. Maybe as if no one will ever like me or care about me.
Maybe a part of it also is that I didn’t respond to these things as I wanted to, due to being overwhelmed at the time. It’s like something unfinished.
I hope I can get back on an even keel with it again, and see Ron as just doing his job the best he could at the time. I know in my heart that’s what he was doing.
Ah well, goodnight. Today I am grateful I can stay out of the freezing cold when I am sick, warm at home, under duvet and blankets.