Better once again. I read over my last post and can’t really remember what it felt like to feel that way. Things are better this week. And yet, my circumstances are not greatly changed. Go figure.
I’ve been having adventures in cooking. Last week, I finally made bone broth. It turned out well. It turns to a dense jelly in the fridge, so that’s a good sign that it has the healthy nutrients in it. Soup made with long simmered stock bones is said to be healing for digestion, immune system as well as mood issues. Something to do with the gelatin – there are specific amino acids in it that are helpful. I was given the advice to try this back in August, when it was way too hot, but now finally I’ve buckled down to cook more.
Today I made a pork shoulder in the slow cooker. It was OK – unexciting. Next time I’ll try it in the oven to get it more crispy. I’m not very practiced in cooking hunks of meat, but now that I eat a lot of it, I’m starting to learn. Of course I’m not perfect the first time I cook things. Got to let myself off the hook. Even though it was pricey naturally raised pork. It’s tender enough at least and will feed me for quite a few meals.
Therapy was good. It does seem that when we devote time to parts, I feel more connected and less lonely – in fact, not at all lonely. Ron can be great with parts. He stops analyzing and does a lot of empathizing, since these parts are often traumatized and crying. It’s tempting to keep talking about problems in my life, which is what the core part of me thinks we should do, but the child parts desperately want attention and want to be heard.
As usual with parts, I can’t remember the session in much detail. Hmmm….First of all, Ron looked very put together and relaxed this session, wearing his navy suit. Why is he so calm and I’m such a mess? Anyhow.
I was apologetic about an email I’d sent him after last session, where I complained of feeling disconnected and lonely. But still, it was the truth. Ron said I seem to wish to connect with people, but when I’m with them, anxiety or other bad feelings get in the way and I don’t feel connected.
We talked about my negative experience with the EA group – how I knew one of the people there from when I used to go, but he didn’t acknowledge me at all. He does have a social anxiety. But still, I felt a hello, how’ve you been would have been nice.
Ron asked if I said hello how’ve you been to him. No. I realize I could have used better social skills. But if our positions had been reversed, I’d have reached out to the person coming back whom no one else knew.
Ron thinks this is my problem. Could be. It’s no huge big deal, but I’m quick to feel hurt at the moment.
I tell Ron about yoga class and how I got dissociated after it. He asks how I understand this. I say I suppose it’s some feeling that is coming up because of the stretches, and I’m automatically shutting down in response. If I could feel it at the time, that would be good, because then I could process it, but I’m not catching it.
Ron asks which pose I think it is, but I’m not sure it’s a specific pose. Though I suspect it may be the hip and groin openers that I’m finding disturbing. I don’t want to say that, and anyway, I don’t know. We talk about how I kind of make myself stay in some poses even though I’m not enjoying them. Everyone does that, I think. You have to push your edge to get a benefit. I’m not doing anything that hurts.
Ron thinks not everyone ‘makes themselves’ stay in poses. He thinks I might try coming out of anything where I feel a sense of making myself do it. I suppose I could do that. I’d spend quite a lot of the class not participating though. Still, it makes no sense to end up dissociated and useless for the rest of the day. So that’s my plan for next class, so pay attention to when I feel pressured to do things and to sit those parts out.
After about half an hour, I feel very stressed out, with a feeling that I’m not talking about anything important. It is a sense of pressure getting on for panic. So I ask, tentatively, if the parts could speak a bit, and Ron says of course.
First up is the kid. The kid talks about how she didn’t get time last week, but she likes to talk. She tells Ron about new boots and making soup. This time the kid is very sad, and starts crying, which is unusual. Maybe the kid is changing says Ron. I don’t think so, but it is so different. Even at home, we watch a cartoon sometimes, and it just feels sad. It used to make the kid so happy.
Then a ten year old part.
E. Therapy is stupid. It’s really stupid.
Ron nods encouragingly.
E. Therapy is a waste of time. If you want to be happy, you get a job with enough money, you get a house, you get some friends, and then you’re happy. More or less.
R. And yet, you’re not happy.
E. Therapy isn’t helping. I wouldn’t go.
I can’t remember how this went. Ron never argued with this part, just kept encouraging her to speak. This part is like my family’s opinions. I seem to have swallowed them whole. She’s very negative. The good part about her though is that she also has a lot of clear cool energy for doing practical things.
Then I tell Ron about how I can hear the parts a lot more clearly than I used to, especially the kid. And how we’ve been negotiating a bit. For instance, I keep taking walks. Some of the parts were feeling that I was ignoring how awful they felt, by forcing us to go for a walk, but I started explaining how walking is nice for all of us. Then while walking, I let the kid take over sometimes, so she can enjoy walking around, looking at the world. When we do that, I remember every dog and cat we encounter along the way. The kid loves dogs. All animals really. Also any Christmas lights and decorations are just wonderful for the kid. It makes walks a lot more enjoyable actually. The kid knows how to enjoy. The trick is switching around to let her be out during outings.
I’ve been finding it somewhat easier to get things done, and I think it’s the inner negotiation that helps. If the kid is happier, she doesn’t block my taking care of business as much.
This probably all sounds crazy and metaphorical at best, but it really is how I’m experiencing life at the moment.