I’ve been too down to write but will write anyhow. I’ve been spending lots of time sleeping or lying down with tears running down my eyes, though not really crying. I see everything in a black way, so not sure how useful it would be to write it all out.
My last session I stayed in one piece and talked about being depressed. With me it’s to do with having no one in my life who cares about me. Which is depressing for anyone. But I know I can feel more cheerful, and all my circumstances are still just the same.
The last few sessions, I’ve been focusing more on my present life than on parts and the past. Ron doesn’t push things in one direction or the other. When I’m dealing with the past, I then no longer have the energy to try and work on my life, so it seems good to take a break from that.
Ron has never been big on suggesting things, such as going out, trying to talk to people, etc. I talked a bit about the efforts I make when I can. I thought he got a bit condescending about it actually. He said something about how I ‘always want to be out socializing with people’ and that I ‘get energy from being with others’. Neither of those things are remotely true. I’m an introvert. I’m fine spending great swathes of time on my own. Just I can’t do without people altogether.
I don’t know why Ron struck me as condescending, but he did. He seemed like he didn’t know the first thing about me.
To be fair, when dealing with parts, rational discussion goes out the window, so we haven’t talked that much about my life.
Anyway, it’s painful to think he doesn’t know me at all. It’s likely a misunderstanding, but still.
Plus I’ve talked to three of his other clients now, all of whom seem to be introverts, but also removed from the world in a way. None of them saw this as much of a problem. Even the one person who is almost completely isolated and does admit to loneliness hadn’t made any efforts to connect with other people, in many years of therapy with Ron.
So it doesn’t seem he pushes anyone to go out and talk to people. He himself seems surrounded by family activity, besides having a job with obviously high people contact. Maybe he’s never had a loneliness problem.
Anyway. I wasn’t overwhelmed from therapy, so I made determined efforts to go out and do more with others. None of it went well. So now I’ve given up again. I feel too odd to be able to connect with anyone.
Friday I went out to an Emotions Anonymous group I used to attend. Unfortunately we were locked out of our meeting room. Finally we all went for coffee at a nearby fast food joint. Not a social success for me. They all knew each other, and as they chatted, and I failed to join in, it became more and more awkward. Finally I did make one comment, felt like an idiot, and made my excuses to leave. It wasn’t awful, but just discouraging. I actually knew one of the people there from a year ago, but he pretended not to know me.
Saturday I went to yoga class. I ended up dissociated, so it took the rest of the day to recover.
Sunday I went off to a church I can see from my front window. I started feeling all emotional at some of the singing, then felt like a freak at coffee hour, which I made myself go to, since I’m trying to socialize. Really, I felt everyone could see I”m mentally ill and they talked to me because they were sorry for me.
Since then, I’ve stayed home, except for work. I’m too discouraged overall to keep trying. Anyway, I have to sleep all the time it seems, I am exhausted.
Art: I’m so Lonely