Therapy has become too painful to write about. I keep waiting, thinking with distance I will be able to write, but it’s not happening. I do miss having a record of it. It seems to be when parts are involved, I can’t bear to talk about it.

The good part is that I am no longer in a struggle with Ron. He seems mostly uniformly helpful and understanding. Even when he gets it wrong, it doesn’t bother me. I wonder, is this the same individual whom I fought with session after session, when I was going through group? This empathic, thoughtful, quiet guy? Whom I thought was wrong-headed, uncaring, and clueless? lol.

I’m in a depression. I spent most of the weekend in bed, unable to deal. Not sure what’s happened. I book an extra session yesterday to deal with being depressed. The session time is after lunch, and I’m Ron’s first client of the day. At home, I become convinced he was taking Monday off and came in just for me, which makes me feel horribly guilty. I write a panicked email at three am, and no, he says he was not taking the day off at all.

I felt guilty because it wasn’t an emergency. I just wanted the support. And he charges me almost fifty percent less for a second session. But it was OK to go. Because I was very sad, and I wanted someone to know about it.

We’ve talked about how I am ashamed of parts. It’s true. I wish so much I didn’t have them, that I wasn’t a complete freak. Ron is saying there is no cause for shame but I don’t believe it.

Ron thinks the depression is me mourning my childhood. Dunno. I don’t actually think that’s it, though I can see why he thinks that. Because I was describing what I was thinking about, lying in bed, hour after hour, and truthfully it’s not much. I just feel flattened, exhausted and very sad.

I tell him, that in the background, I’m remembering things from our apartment as a child in European country. And my relatives. And toys that I had. And I cry, so he thinks I’m mourning the loss of a childhood which I never really had.

A young part tells him about this. The vacuum cleaner vacuuming up lego by mistake. Egg cups with bits of water in the bottom. Our balcony which was windy, with torn petunias.

I feel like I’m inhabiting the mind of a young child, and it’s scary.

Anyhow, this child is very sad. She thinks she should be playing, and doesn’t know where her family is.

So yes, that child wants to still be a child. But I think the memories are more like surrounding memories. Because the people are kind of left out, with just scenery left. I think that part is sad about something that happened, with people, but that she can’t remember at the moment.

We also speak about a work snafu I caused. Last week, I lost it in a meeting. I don’t know what happens to me, I really don’t. But I spoke very impatiently to my boss, was very rude really. And I’ve been telling him what to do. Because, OK, he really doesn’t know what to do, he’s too new. But I have to remain polite and diplomatic. I have no power whatsoever. I am there to help make his life better, not to irritate him.

So next day, I apologized, and he accepted the apology.

I hope I can get back on track with him. I can lose my contract if the client gets unhappy with me.

Ron wants to know if the problem is similar to the problems he and I have had. Yep, somewhat. I know it’s an issue I can have with men. So I’m hoping by talking about it in therapy, I’ll keep on top of it.

  1. Gel said:

    Do your depressions go in phases?
    I ask because it is part of the healing process when one removes gluten and other neuro-toxins from the diet or environment that the change can cause periods of “detoxing”. That can include many different uncomfortable symptoms…anything from flu like to depression, irritability, insomnia….the list is huge. I have been skeptical about this but I remain open minded to the possibility. And I know you were/are trying a gluten free diet. But the way to tell if it’s detoxing or “die-off” is if it is temporary and you feel better after the phase is over. Goes in waves.

    I so so glad your therapist relationship is good. I know you don’t have trouble with addictions still I couldn’t help noticing with admiration that you can go through depression without numbing by way of self harm or substance use.

    It sounds good that you were able apologize to your boss. That would probably go a long way in the positive sense of him respecting you.


    • Ellen said:

      I was reading about ‘die off’ the other day, researching GAPS. I don’t think I’ve experienced that. I went totally off gluten back in July, and off grains altogether in August. So it doesn’t seem to correspond to diet changes made at all recently. It is worth considering though.

      Thanks. It’s nice to think I’m doing something right. But can’t say I’m tempted by addictions – I just never developed any. I’ll have a glass of wine, but don’t crave any more. Etc. I think reading was a way of escape for me. And maybe dissociation just did the job of distancing well enough.

      I hope I manage to turn things around with this boss. It’s complicated. Thanks for your thoughts Gel

      • Gel said:

        I don’t know what your source of info is for GAPS, but the most helpful resource I’ve found is by Baden Lashkov who wrote a book called GAPS Guide and she has a website too. She followed McBride’s directions closely when implementing GAPS for herself and her son and then wrote the guide book, which was endorsed by McBride. She wrote the guide book to make it easier for others’ to apply the protocol.

        That guide book and her website have been REALLY helpful to me in implementing the protocol. I don’t think I would have done the GAPS protocol if I hadn’t found her book. Besides the book being helpful, I’ve found Baden to be a very special loving kind person. So in case you are interested in checking it out I’m including a like to her website where, just yesterday, she posted an offer for anyone who buys her book – she will donate 50% of the proceeds to the Philippines-relief. And the Canadian government will match that contribution.

        • Ellen said:

          Thanks for the link Gel. Maybe I will buy that book. I think actually that was the site I was reading – it comes up on google near the top probably. She’s interesting because she responds at length to so many comments and inquiries. There’s a lot to know about. Cheers

  2. Tilda said:

    I’m sorry you’re feeling so low.
    Sending you some warm, peaceful thoughts. xx

    • Ellen said:

      Thank you for the warm thoughts Tilda. xox

  3. attached said:

    Ellen, sorry that you are feeling so depressed. Living in the mind of a small child does sound scary. I think childhood is a very scary time of life. There is so little control or power or awareness of what you can and can’t do for yourself. I think it is important to try and remind yourself that what you are experiencing are memories and not how life is for you today but I don’t have experience with parts so that might not be helpful advice at all. I’m sorry I can’t help. I am glad you were able to see Ron for an extra session and you feel his empathy and care.

    thinking of you

    • Ellen said:

      As a child, I was so powerless. We forget that as adults, how absolutely we depended on our parents for everything, including our world view. Yes, it is good to keep in mind these are probably memories – it does all get mixed up. Thank you Di.

  4. weareonebyruth said:

    My deepest sympathy. When my youngest was sharing her story, it was really tough on me too. I had extra sessions to make it through the week. Hugs.

    • Ellen said:

      That’s like me then. Thanks Ruth. Hugs to you.

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