Another night where sleep comes too slowly.

My weekend was mixed. Saturday was dreadful. I’m not sure why it was so bad. In therapy for the last twenty minutes, I went into various parts. I’d been having a lot of trouble sleeping and thought probably parts were the reason. And I did start to sleep better on Friday. Just the price for having parts speak seems to be a whole lot of pain.

Saturday I had no food prepared, and I was too dissociated to cook. Yet I can’t eat bread, cereal, rice as I used to when I couldn’t manage food. I don’t know why it becomes impossible. I even had some stew I could have unfrozen. Just then I would also need a green veg and some kind of root veg for starch, and altogether, I couldn’t work out what to do. Or I could have given myself step by step instructions, but I didn’t have the will to follow them. Things just fall apart in a way that’s difficult to explain.

I ended up realizing I could manage to nuke a sweet potato. Those four steps – get out of fridge, scrub with brush, poke with fork, cook in microwave – I could do those. Something about there just being one ingredient. So I didn’t starve but I did get nauseous as I suppose it wasn’t the right food.

Sunday, today, was better. I woke up and realized that yes, I could do things. I could wash the dishes from yesterday. I could get dressed before noon. I could even make a salad.

In the afternoon, I met an internet date at a coffee shop downtown. I feel like a regular person who can do regular things.

It went pretty well. I did want to cut and run after twenty minutes, but I don’t think that was the man’s fault. He is Indian from India, and works in banking. He seemed steady and calm, and explained about Hinduism. It was kind of interesting. He had a nice smile.

Compared to others I’ve been out with, he seemed quite together. Seems to have steady decent work. Nice newish clothes. Talked reasonably.

I’m not sure if we had a connection or not. How do I tell with one meeting? When I’m mostly scared I’ll screw something up, and am just thinking of the end of the tea, because I’ve done this thing I was scared of doing and now I’m just relieved and want to go home.

But we stuck out the hour, walked a few blocks together, then said goodbye. I hope to see you again? Sure.

No little email note at home saying polite things. But I think it was fine. If he asks me out, I’ll go.

After meeting him, I bought some homeopathic remedies. I’ve been trying natural healing lately, got a book on it, so I purchased two of the remedies listed there. Also looked at crystals, and know which ones I’ll buy if I decide to.

The kid loves this kind of stuff. The homeopathic remedies are like little toy pills, tiny and sugary. Yum. Buying crystals also appeals – the nice colours and smooth feel of the stones. The kid also likes aromatherapy – good smells are right up her alley.

I try one of the remedies at home. It does make me feel calm, and slightly happy.

  1. steady, calm and a nice smile sound like a great start. i don’t think you can decide anything after one meeting (unless major red flags go off, in which case… run!!). with S – we talked on the internet for 2 weeks, then on the phone for 2 weeks, and then we met in person a few times for coffee, by then i could tell if i wanted to take it any further. and even now… 10 months later… we are still learning things about each other – our histories, triggers, emotional lives. it’s not an all or nothing decide on the moment thing, i believe. maybe you can go for tea again and learn a bit more about each other?

    • Ellen said:

      Yes, I definitely believe in going slow. I thought I’d be able to tell if I feel attracted, but I can’t. I’m not repulsed, that’s all I know. I hope he asks me out again….but it won’t be a tragedy if he doesn’t. I don’t feel like pursuing. I figure overall, I’ll only learn dating by doing it, painful as it can be. Thanks for sharing your experience Catherine.

  2. Cat said:

    Allowing parts to speak must be an exhausting expereince, even if you don’t remember much afterwards. I’m learning pain is healing. I also have days – like today – when my world completely falls apart, in a way that is so difficult to explain.

    Oh! I loved reading about your internet date. I take my hat off for your courage to get out there and, hopefully, meet someone special. It sounds nice and appropriate that you meet for tea rather than being around busy pubs and alcohol. I always think it’s a good sign when we’re not ‘head over heals’ for a date. The gushy ones can frazzle out quicker than the ones where you get to know each other over a decent period of time, in all the appropriate places! By all accounts, he sounds lovely. I do hope you both meet again…I reckon walking a few blocks together is a good indication of how he was feeling. I doubt a man would do that if he didn’t like the company…. keep old nosy Cat informed!!

    • Ellen said:

      I smiled when I read your enthusiasm about my date Cat. Maybe it is a good sign. We are to go to a movie next weekend. I will keep you informed. 🙂 I haven’t ventured into dating for a few years, so it’s at least a new direction for me. Thanks

  3. Cat said:

    Wow…the movies…wonderful!!!! I haven’t dated in almost 14 years…lol….15th March 2000, to be precise ;0) Not that I’m desperate, far from it. I imagine one day I might be ready for all that again, but for now, it’s just me and the babies. Interestingly enough, the reason why I remember the exact day I separated from my last partner, is because it’s the same day my cats were born. I was so fascinated by my cat, Elsie, giving birth in the cupboard, I hardly noticed him packing bags….huh…I guess that says it all.

    I look forward to the movie!

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