Life goes on. I’m still anxious about the new client / boss, but maybe things are evening out. I haven’t argued with him for the last weeks, thank goodness. I don’t have enough to do, but that’s nothing new. I suspect some of my anxiety is my own triggered stuff. The man seems quite decent actually. I start feeling that he is judging me, or thinks badly of me, but there’s not a lot of evidence for that. He does have my father’s colouring, and is in authority over me, so I’m likely triggered.
The headache is down to a dull roar. Not even that – just an ache that comes and goes. I don’t think I’ve ever had a headache for this long – over a week.
I am reluctant to write about therapy. It just seems so painful, and so….sad. It’s all about trauma, and I can’t bear to think about it when I don’t have to.
One reason I got upset with Ron is his opinion that the kid is avoiding issues. He said it on the phone last week, and last session. In the session, the kid told him that kids don’t do therapy.
R. Who told you that? That kids don’t do therapy.
Well, the kid makes everything up. No one told her. But really, do kids of four or five actually do therapy, and discuss issues? Ron says he thinks the kid needs help. Well. It’s true, the kid wants to tell Ron the plots of any kids DVDs we watch, and various things that interest her. They are kid things. She doesn’t start telling him about pain and sadness – that doesn’t seem to be her personality. I’m not sure that’s the same as avoiding.
An actual child, if sent for therapy, would do play therapy – she’d play with toys, and talk through play, basically. I don’t think kids can do therapy the way adults can. The kid, for me, is like an actual child – the mind is childlike. It’s not me pretending to be a child.
So I wrote to Ron that I don’t think this idea is right. It’s enough for me that the kid talks in the first place. Other parts do get triggered out when I re-experience trauma, and they cry and carry on.
I hope this therapy is going somewhere. It’s very stressful. And disabling. Though so is the PTSD, if I am honest. I forget that, when I go through the pain of the therapy.