Life goes on

Life goes on. I’m still anxious about the new client / boss, but maybe things are evening out. I haven’t argued with him for the last weeks, thank goodness. I don’t have enough to do, but that’s nothing new. I suspect some of my anxiety is my own triggered stuff. The man seems quite decent actually. I start feeling that he is judging me, or thinks badly of me, but there’s not a lot of evidence for that. He does have my father’s colouring, and is in authority over me, so I’m likely triggered.

The headache is down to a dull roar. Not even that – just an ache that comes and goes. I don’t think I’ve ever had a headache for this long – over a week.

I am reluctant to write about therapy. It just seems so painful, and so….sad. It’s all about trauma, and I can’t bear to think about it when I don’t have to.

One reason I got upset with Ron is his opinion that the kid is avoiding issues. He said it on the phone last week, and last session. In the session, the kid told him that kids don’t do therapy.

R. Who told you that? That kids don’t do therapy.

Well, the kid makes everything up. No one told her. But really, do kids of four or five actually do therapy, and discuss issues? Ron says he thinks the kid needs help. Well. It’s true, the kid wants to tell Ron the plots of any kids DVDs we watch, and various things that interest her. They are kid things. She doesn’t start telling him about pain and sadness – that doesn’t seem to be her personality. I’m not sure that’s the same as avoiding.

An actual child, if sent for therapy, would do play therapy – she’d play with toys, and talk through play, basically. I don’t think kids can do therapy the way adults can. The kid, for me, is like an actual child – the mind is childlike. It’s not me pretending to be a child.

So I wrote to Ron that I don’t think this idea is right. It’s enough for me that the kid talks in the first place. Other parts do get triggered out when I re-experience trauma, and they cry and carry on.

I hope this therapy is going somewhere. It’s very stressful. And disabling. Though so is the PTSD, if I am honest. I forget that, when I go through the pain of the therapy.

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6 comments
  1. Ashana M said:

    I agree with you. You are the full group of parts together–not any one of the parts. If the kid doesn’t do therapy, that doesn’t mean you don’t do therapy, so I don’t even see why it matters of it the kid doesn’t do it. Some other, more grown-up part does do it, and does it quite faithfully. The kid’s role seems partly to be to keep alive a sense of fun, as well as authenticity. But my other thought about this is that what the kid does on a regular basis is, in fact, therapy. She expresses emotions, she tries to find ways to connect to other people. I think that sense of aliveness and basically sort of bubbly extroversion–that’s the sense I get about her, that she’s fun and chattery and has a sense of interest and joy about life–is a really important part of you, and although it’s kind of trapped in a child-like version of you, has been something important to keep in there somewhere and not allow to simply be flattened out. I think what she does is allow Ron to see that side of you and make sure that this is a part of you that’s okay to have. Trauma can make it really hard to feel that it’s still okay to have fun, to relax, and to even be a bit immature and child-like. You always have to be strong and wise beyond your years.

    • Ellen said:

      Those are really interesting points Ashana. The kid is a ‘connector’ – she wants to reach out to people. I hadn’t thought of all this – thank you.

  2. weareonebyruth said:

    My Counselor couldn’t talk directly to my kid, except a very few times. However, he did reach her by giving her a coloring book about feelings. I like Ashana’s perspective that if the kid talks about what she likes and dislikes and how she feels then in a sense she is doing therapy. I know my kid felt afraid as to what would happen to her if I became healthy. She worried that I wouldn’t need her any more. I reassured her over and over that she brought a freshness to my perspective. She is very much a part of who I am now. I enjoy getting to know your kid. Hugs to all of you. Ruth

    • Ellen said:

      I think she is doing therapy in that way. Plus I’m not sure if she gets triggered out with memories, or if that’s another part, but if it’s her, she cries also. And yes, the kid thinks integration means she would disappear / die. Not a good prospect if you think of it like that. Hugs to you.

  3. Interesting. I would say that yes, kids can do therapy, but that it wouldn’t look the same as therapy that adults would be doing. Instead of just “diving in” … I’d just ask him a bunch more questions … what might this therapy look like? Would it be play based? Drawing? Learning about emotions and feelings? Sharing anger? Younger Ellen wants to talk about books and DVDs and the like, but she (and you) were terribly hurt at a young age. It seems like Ron’s might be a safe place to learn how to share and express some of that pain.

    • Ellen said:

      Asking more questions is an idea. I don’t think it would involve drawing or playing, at least not in Ron’s office, since he isn’t set up for that at all. Those are good suggestions. Thank you

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