Thank you dear commenters and apologies I haven’t yet replied. I’m hanging tough and can’t seem to manage at the moment. I appreciate the comments as always.
My life is a bit difficult at the moment. Actually nothing external is wrong. And I have space to deal with things so that is good.
In therapy once again the past rose up and punched me in the stomach. I relived a bit of early trauma. It’s from when I lived in another country, so I was young. Those ones are the worst.
Ron scheduled a phone check in Friday evening, because I was so upset in his office. This is mainly what I remember – the sheer confusion of that call. I’d been holding things together, then once I heard his voice and we talked about the session, I started crying as hard as I had ever cried. Then I tried to talk, and of course kept switching into the kid.
That was the confusing part. One of them. The sheer unbalanced feeling of having two competing minds switching back and forth. My mind was so different when I was four or five. Everything was so vivid, and emotions so huge. Then I switch back to my adult self, and try to make sense of things, and it’s a confusing mess.
Recovering trauma is like getting back splinters of things, that seem to be enormously upsetting, but I can’t see the story, just flashes of things and feelings. This time there was a flash of a white shirt pressing against me. The kid started telling Ron she hates white shirts, between tears. Ron asked if it was him – he was wearing a white shirt. The kid hadn’t even noticed. No it wasn’t him.
At home I felt enormously guilty – as if I was lying my head off in order to get attention. Ron says we have to let things come up, then try and make sense of it later. Whatever the feelings are is valid. I tell him I think the feeling of lying is part of the memory – I think I tried to tell someone, and was made to feel like a liar.
I also had this sense of being on a road. Some kind of country road with gravel. Which makes no sense at all, and might be a scene from a TV show I’ve been watching.
I have been trying to ‘digest’ this all weekend. I took a lot of naps. What I know is something very upsetting happened to me, I was extremely young, and it seems to be stuck in pieces in my mind.
These experiences always happen at the end of sessions – the last fifteen minutes. Because I spend the first part fishing around for topics, talking about my life. Then all this stuff comes up.
I’m more functional tonight – cleaned the bathroom, and made a decent meal. Now to do the dishes. My life is down to the basics here.
I don’t get how this could have happened to me. I was not able to keep secrets at four years old. How could it have all been hushed up like this? I don’t get it.