whiteLabour Day weekend. Lonely, loveless and despairing….

No, not really. My efforts at socializing were not without problems this weekend, but I did have company.

I went out to see Blue Jasmine Friday with a friend, and we had a snack after. This friendship is a little rocky though. I find I have changed a lot through therapy, and I see people differently now. This friend is a very bright woman. She believes in doing things, and that we get our value from what we do. Which is OK for her. Though I don’t do that much besides survive, so we don’t have that in common.

And emotions are not welcome. OK. That’s what I was familiar with from my FOO, so I used to find this normal. Now, not so much. This is not her fault in the least – it’s I who have changed.

And a final problem, every time we meet she tells me how much she hates Ron. This time, I didn’t even bring up the subject of therapy or group. And she tells me over and over how ridiculous I am for going to group therapy, when it upsets me so much. I’ve tried to explain the concept of it many times to her, but it never takes. She feels that negative feelings should be suppressed, not shown to others.

That is a point of view, and I certainly did have issues with group as well. Just I’m fed up with hearing the same criticism from her about my choices pretty well every time I see her. I never asked her to pick up the pieces when I was upset with group – it doesn’t impact her.

OK, end of rant. We didn’t have the funnest time, but it was OK. The movie is great. Woody Allen has been terrible the last few years, IMO, and now he’s back.

Also less than a huge success was yesterday. I had my son over for dinner. I’m not a confident cook, so I don’t often have people to dinner. Now you’d think my son would be an exception, as he ate my food every day when he was growing up. And he is, but I still feel a little on the spot preparing a meal for him. I went to some trouble, going to buy food, looking up recipes, getting it all together.

Then his father called me in the afternoon, and we had a fight. He can upset me a lot. I think I time travel back to when we were together. Under stress, he becomes very domineering. He is sure he knows what is right and what everyone else should do. The fight concerned my son, who is not getting work and needs to. OK. I don’t think he needs to be pushed. Ex pushed him all through his childhood and my son pushed back and under achieved with a vengeance.

Somehow this got turned around into I don’t think he should be working. Which is far from my opinion.

I told ex I was through discussing this and essentially hung up on him. I don’t need him yelling at me and accusing me of things. I need that like I need  a hole in the head.

I was very upset. Anyhow.

My son came over, long after dinner was ready. We clashed almost right away. Turned out, he didn’t have the idea he should be paying rent while living with his dad. This was all news to him, that this was expected. Not market rent, but something.

If I hadn’t already been off balance from the phone call, I would have handled it better.

Anyhow. It wasn’t completely terrible. Though at dinner, my son wouldn’t talk to me. So that was sad. My day had been arranged around getting this dinner shopped for and cooked, so it was disappointing for me.

We talked about it a bit after. I said I was disappointed, he said I was condescending to him. At least there wasn’t a complete retreat into coldness that happens in my family. We talked about the problem.

I didn’t drive him home, I let him take the subway. He is in his twenties for goodness sake, he can do a few things for himself.

Children are difficult.

I plan on having him over again next week. If he’ll come. We were starting to warm up to each other again before last night, and I hope we can get that back.

This morning I went off to church. There is a nice little church just the next block over. I want to develop my spirituality, but can’t decide between Buddhism, Christianity, or Unitarianism. Sigh.

I can’t say I believe, but I’m willing to. I like the bits of singing, and the sermons there are interesting. Today a little snippet about Syria. I’d been trying to think about Syria. The horror of chemical weapons. Yet, the other horror of warplanes and bombing. The pastor’s view is violence is never a solution.

Would it be a deterrent if the US were to bomb Syria in protest of chemical weapons?

I can’t decide. If the alternatives are to drop US bombs, or to do nothing, which to choose? Is there another option?

I feel like Winnie the Pooh contemplating this – like a woman of very little brain. I don’t get very far, and I go and eat ice cream.

After the service I go for refreshments and the intern minister comes right over to talk to me. She’s a little too enthusiastic about our responsibility to love our neighbour, and I get uncomfortable. Am I being preached at? But she’s also interesting. I raise some questions about the service, and she has interesting things to say.

A huge sadness hits me at church. I think it was one of the hymns. Singing, even softly, seemed to put me into my emotions. Suddenly I feel like I want to cry. So at coffee time, it’s awkward because I feel like I want to cry. I try and ignore the feeling so I can talk, but I know this seeps through. I fear they are wondering what’s wrong with me.

Anyhow. It’s basically OK. Just I don’t want to be saved, and I don’t believe Jesus is the answer to my depression.

Basically I like the church, there’s a good range of people there, and I think I’ll go back. I need to keep going out to things.

Now I’m staying home. I had some plans to go shopping, but I couldn’t. I’m tired, I need to chill. And vacuum, if that could be arranged.

  1. laura said:

    “And vacuum, if that could be arranged.” LOL! Here, too!
    Sounds like the makings of an alternative Hallmark greeting card series. Maybe this is why feelings were frowned on in our families – they’re messy, painful, they ambush you, apparently out of nowhere. Your tolerance for them is increasing, though!

    • Ellen said:

      Still haven’t vacuumed. Sigh. I hope my tolerance is increasing. Thanks Laura

  2. Ashana M said:

    You are probably beyond the point where discussing how to address things with your son is going to make a difference. If your husband feels your son needs to be pushed, then he should push him. If you feel that’s not the right approach, you should do something else. It probably no longer matters whether you are on the same page as parents anymore. Your son will either get a job or he won’t. And whether he pays rent to his dad is between him and his dad. Ending the conversation seems like the appropriate approach.

    • Ellen said:

      Well, I am worried that with enough pushing, my son will stay in his room for the rest of his life and do nothing. Anything his dad has tried to help him with, he’s failed at. For instance, his dad ‘helped’ him with French and math in school. He failed that course every single year without fail. Now even living in a French speaking city, he could not learn French.

      I understand that everyone needs to make their own choices, and I am withdrawing from this to some extent. It’s a huge problem though. I don’t want my son to sit in a room till he’s thirty, and that’s what it’s looking like at the moment.


      • Ashana M said:

        I guess what I was thinking is that your ex will push however much he feels he should pretty much regardless of what you do or say. Your son is just going to have sort out his relationship with his father.

        But having you as someone just to talk to, who is there and is encouraging and warm will help. That kind of support usually does help in situations you can’t change that are very stressful.

        • Ellen said:

          That makes sense. thx

  3. Cat said:

    Thinking of you Ellen. It must be tough being up against it on top of everything else.

  4. Gel said:

    It’s good you had some social time out. I thought is was interesting that your friend “feels that negative feelings should be suppressed, not shown to others.” ….and yet she seems to have expressed intense negative feelings to you about Ron. Oh well, maybe she’s frustrated and wants the best for you and it comes out as criticism of you instead (?).

    What you describe about your son….that must be a difficult thing about being a parent. And it sounds like he’s stuck in a deep pattern with his father. You are probably doing the best thing for your son….not pushing and just being a nurturing kind person to him. He might not show it now but I bet it will be a big positive in his life and he’ll realize it eventually.

    It’s nice to hear about your desire to develop your spiritual life and being willing to get out there and try communities of spiritual practices.

    • Ellen said:

      That is interesting isn’t it. It could be a kind of caring I suppose.

      It is a very deep pattern, that’s exactly true. I hope what you say is true, it would be nice!

      Thanks Gel.

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