I’m out of the habit of writing, and the longer I wait, the harder it becomes to make the leap back.

Things have been kind of OK. This is allergy season for me, and I seem to be sailing through it. It’s usually pretty miserable, but this year, barely a symptom most of the time. I did try a new anti-histamine, but they all seemed pretty similar to me in the past. I’m wondering if it’s the fairly strict paleo diet that is helping so much. Maybe it’s strengthening my system so it’s not being overwhelmed by allergens. Whatever it is, I’m very grateful.

At work, my client / boss retired today. I gave her a little present and a card on Tuesday, as well as contributing to the general gift. She has been my favorite client ever. She encouraged me a lot, which very few people have done in my life. I will miss her a lot.

Today we had a very short meeting where she introduced me to her replacement. He seems decent enough so far. She said a bunch of nice things about me, which I found embarrassing. I should have in turn said nice things about her, which would not be difficult, just of course at the time I didn’t think of this. I’m not used to these ceremonial type meetings.

I wouldn’t say I’m doing well at work. Or maybe I am, but it’s confusing. I am definitely goofing off. On the other hand, I don’t have work that I’m neglecting.

I do need to change an aspect of my behaviour. Because I’m able to work from home, I’ve only been coming in for meetings, and staying a few hours. We have ‘hotel’ spots, so I’m not sitting with the group that I work for. This means they don’t really know if I’m in the office or not. So when I have nothing to do, it seems fine to leave.

However, it’s not a good idea. People do end up knowing when others come and go. On days I have meetings, I should be staying all day.

But then, shouldn’t they give me enough work so I have something to do while I’m there?

A lot of times it’s a grey area – I do have some work, but I will easily accomplish it in the time I have to fill, and there’s no worry about not getting it done that day. That was the case today. I just went in for a meeting, then slipped out again two hours later.

Part of what makes it difficult is my troubles sleeping. To get into work early means I’m sleep deprived, which leads to my being depressed. So when I don’t have to be, it’s really nice to have a leisurely breakfast at home and not face an early commute.

I do ask for more to do, so it’s not like it’s a secret that I have time on my hands.

Anyway. I feel like a goof off at work. And here is my boss saying how great I am – it’s just strange. I worked so much harder in the past and no one ever said a kind word. I mean, of course I’ll take it with thanks. Just it seems odd.

I’ve been watching Mad Men, which is all about office life, so far at least. I’m not really enjoying it. The extreme sexism makes me sad – I suppose it reminds me of how my mother was treated by my father – there to meet his needs basically. It was so silent, so unspoken, such a part of the fabric of life.

I know this is sexism held up for examination – the show itself isn’t sexist. And it is stylish and well acted. I wonder if I make it through a few more episodes, whether there will be any character to identify with? I kind of need that, if I’m going to engage with a program. Someone who sparks my interest and sympathy. Don Draper and the buddies at work just seem creepy, and the women a bit pathetic. Well, we’ll see.

  1. Ruth said:

    Change of diet can help with allergies. I am finding the same problem at work. It is so much easier than what I did in the past that I tend to not feel like I am earning my pay check. Then I remind myself that I am used to being overwhelmed by work and life so this business of being taking it easy, relatively speaking, feels odd. Reading and cheering you on.

  2. Gel said:

    I can see why you’ll miss your boss/client. There’s not a lot of appreciation and encouragement shown at work in general. Sounds like she valued things about you, and your work that stand strong enough that they feel they are getting their “money’s worth”.
    I appreciate that you care about doing a good job and contributing.
    I can really relate to sleep deprivation leading to depression. I’ve just recently observed how true that is for me too. Do you have any strategies that help with getting better sleep?

    • Ellen said:

      Yes, appreciation is rare, I don’t know why that is. I’ve tried to soak it up while I had it!

      Strategies for better sleep – I think I’ve tried most. A lot depends on how stressed I am obviously. I’ve found listening to classical music at bedtime helps. I do some yoga sometimes. I’ve found writing things out helpful when I’m up in the middle of the night. If it’s a bad dream and I’ve woken up, I walk around, listen to the radio or read, to get into a different space. Lately I’ve found a soothing light book helpful for calming down. I like Maeve Binchy for that – just finished Tara Road. Conversely I find a challenging or intellectual book will wake me up and I try to read those kinds of things another time than bedtime. For me, it’s all about the reading material. lol


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