Big delay in posting on my session this week, so of course I’ve forgotten the details. We talked about the email, in kind of a muted way. This was my session before Ron’s two week vacation, and I didn’t feel like being ‘difficult’. I said that it had upset me when he hadn’t responded, even though I’d asked him to. As per my blog post, did he not read all of it, was he angry, did he not care….
R. None of those are the case. This week was really busy for me – not here, but in my daily life, I had a lot of chores to do to get ready for the trip. I read your email and was thinking it over.
E. I was really upset and I got depressed.
R. I just hadn’t gotten around to replying.
E. So you were still thinking you were going to reply? After all that time?
R. I know the delay wasn’t optimal. Just this week I had a lot to do.
E. I don’t expect you to do therapy by email. Just some response so I know you’ve read it.
And I let it drop. When Ron hadn’t replied after two days, I sent another email saying only that I was sad he hadn’t responded. To which he replied right away, that he ‘is here’. Which meant he never would respond to my original mail. Don’t know why, but that’s his method.
The email I sent was kind of complex. I sent it at four am, so I didn’t edit it much. I can see how he might have been struggling a bit with what to say.
I guess to me the underlying meaning is that I am reaching out to someone important when I’m distressed, and not getting a response. I wonder if Ron realizes that I only write these when I’m upset. If I write something simple, like the being sad email, he responds pretty fast.
Ah, emails. I’ve written Ron another four or five since he’s been gone, as I’ve had a rough week. Didn’t send them though. They’re like little diary entries sitting in my drafts folder.
Not totally sure why this week has been so rough. I put it down to anxiety over Ron’s absence. Then, my client/boss, whom I like and depend on a lot, is leaving next week, and it’s making me sad. Then a relative is visiting my parents’, so I’ve been to visit twice. She’s a lovely aunt. However visits to my family always make me depressed. Like a physical weighing down. So there’s that.
Then last Friday, I realized I’d stopped taking a depression supplement I’ve been on for years, 5 HTP. A friend mentioned that she doesn’t believe it’s good for your health to take these forever, they can cause damage. And it says on the bottle to consult a practitioner for use over two years. I think I’ve been taking it about five years. Anyhow, I didn’t think it was doing much anyway, so I stopped it last weekend.
And as the week went on, I became more tearful and more anxious. I now suspect this supplement is taking the edge off my moodiness, so I went back on it, and it seems to have helped.
Sigh. Maybe I need to slowly taper off. I feel so impatient with myself, forever collapsing and tearful. I so much want to be able to cope without these various interventions.
We did get on to more helpful topics in therapy, so I’ll continue about that in my next post.