Two meetings at work today. They were both my meetings. One went pretty well – the nine am meeting. The second not too good – the one pm meeting. Sigh.
I struggle with social skills. Meetings are all about social skills. In certain moods, such as when I have a lot of anxiety, I simply do not see how to be socially aware. It’s an automatic thing. My family was pretty dysfunctional, and under stress, bang, I revert back to behaving as I had to in my family. It doesn’t work.
The more anxious I get, the more I focus just on the content of the meeting and forget the getting along part. And projecting calm and confidence. And things just do not go well. There’s an inner insane person just waiting to jump in and mess things up anytime I’m a little wobbly.
That bad meeting set me into a tailspin of lack of self-confidence and self-hatred. Anyway. I start to feel that no one likes me, that everything I do is a failure.
Then I spiraled further into the intense conviction that Ron doesn’t like me either. Who could, when I do so many things wrong wrong wrong?
My friends also pretend to put up with me but really don’t like me.
Sigh. It’s hard to stop a spiral once it’s in motion.
I still want to describe at least part of my last session but I’m too damn tired. Tomorrow.