Work

Two meetings at work today. They were both my meetings. One went pretty well – the nine am meeting. The second not too good – the one pm meeting. Sigh.

I struggle with social skills. Meetings are all about social skills. In certain moods, such as when I have a lot of anxiety, I simply do not see how to be socially aware. It’s an automatic thing. My family was pretty dysfunctional, and under stress, bang, I revert back to behaving as I had to in my family. It doesn’t work.

The more anxious I get, the more I focus just on the content of the meeting and forget the getting along part. And projecting calm and confidence. And things just do not go well. There’s an inner insane person just waiting to jump in and mess things up anytime I’m a little wobbly.

That bad meeting set me into a tailspin of lack of self-confidence and self-hatred. Anyway. I start to feel that no one likes me, that everything I do is a failure.

Ugh.

Then I spiraled further into the intense conviction that Ron doesn’t like me either. Who could, when I do so many things wrong wrong wrong?

My friends also pretend to put up with me but really don’t like me.

Sigh. It’s hard to stop a spiral once it’s in motion.

I still want to describe at least part of my last session but I’m too damn tired. Tomorrow.

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12 comments
  1. laura said:

    been there, Ellen. Good job paying attention!
    I’m on a nonprofit board of directors, and it’s really challenging. I like EMAIL interactions, but they have their problems too!

    • Ellen said:

      Yes, I like email, but for anything at all complex, face to face is best unfortunately. Interesting you are on a board. Thanks!

  2. Ashana M said:

    Hang in there. You must be likable, or I wouldn’t read your posts and genuinely want to know how things go for you. I know writing doesn’t project the full person, but it’s hard for the person not to creep through a little.

    It’s no fun feeling unloved, unwanted, and unlikable. No fun at all. I always think of these kinds of feelings as little kids–maybe because I worked at a nursery school many years ago, and there was always someone who felt left out and unloved. There was a lot of hugging and wiping away little heartbroken tears when that happened. But we still feel that way as grownups sometimes, don’t we?

    • Ellen said:

      Those kinds of feelings are like little kids. πŸ™‚

      Thanks Ashana

  3. brokenbutbeingrepaired said:

    I`m sorry to see that this is such a struggle for you.

    Don’t have many words but wanted to offer some assurance that while I `only` know you through reading your blog, you are likeable to me and I`m pretty sure your friends do like you. You are worth being liked.

    πŸ™‚

  4. weareonebyruth said:

    Negative tapes are such a pain and they play so relentlessly. It is hard to unlearn the lies we were taught when we were young. It is sad we learned the tapes in the first place. I don’t know if this will help…a long time ago, I read in Side Track Home Executive to have a fuzzy box. In this box I would write on 3×5 cards things that I did that were good, kind, caring, and experiences I had with people that gave me that warm fuzzy feeling that I am a good person. Then when the negative tape plays I reread these experiences to remind myself that the negative tape is a lie. Hugs to you….it is so hard especially when you have a situation that doesn’t go well.

    • Ellen said:

      We actually talked about this in my last session, and I have some idea how deep those feelings run. The box idea is nice. Thanks Ruth

  5. catherine said:

    Sorry about the rough day. Repeat to self: feelings are not facts… feelings are not facts. Yes, they might seem true but we tell ourselves horrible untrue things so often. Hugs.

  6. Cat said:

    It’s difficult to go against the grain of what we learn as children. You are doing great work in therapy. Try not to beat yourself up too much

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