I’m still on a kick to keep moving despite sadness / depression. So I’ve had a better weekend than usual, but on the other hand, now I’m dissociated and can’t sleep. I’m pretty good at pushing feelings back down, but then I end up with symptoms. Sigh. I know I’m supposed to keep feeling and move around, but that’s pretty hard for me to do.
Dinner on Saturday turned out really good – I surprised myself. I didn’t want to cook, and complained internally for ages before I could get myself to start. But the results were good. And cooking was not so bad either once I started. Following recipes improves the result. Not news to you I’m sure, but it’s interesting to me.
Kale with nuts and dates – yum. Then squash baked with maple syrup and butter. I guess I’m liking the sweet. Then baked chicken. The chicken was ordinary – and the one part of dinner I did not use a recipe for. Go figure.
Today I went out to an outdoor concert. I’d signed up to go with a group. It was so very tempting to stay home. I felt lousy and depressed. I decided I was going, and if I felt down, it was OK. And I really enjoyed the concert. World music, a Persian / African blend, it was very interesting.
Now I can’t sleep. I feel like I’ve stirred things up in therapy, then put them all back behind a wall so I could do stuff, and now I feel two-dimensional and I feel like there’s a wall. At least I’m not depressed.
To get back to my session. We finished talking about the family barbecue.
E. We finally got there. At first, I thought I’d have to leave right away again, because I thought no one was going to talk to me. But I took a pill and calmed down and sat. And people came by to talk to me. It was interesting to find out how my cousins were doing, and to talk to their kids.
E. Anyway, by the time I got home again, I was so tense, I couldn’t sleep. And then I had another outing the next day, which was good, but I didn’t get to relax from the barbecue. And then work right the next morning. I was feeling depressed all last week, and I think it’s because I didn’t have a chance to recover from the barbecue. It takes me forever to recover from things.
R. Maybe because you don’t really know what you’re trying to do, that’s why it’s taking so long.
E. Yeah, maybe. I have this problem, that happened last week too. This happens over and over again, just the same way. I come home from work say. Or there’s some other stress. I feel completely exhausted, I lay down just for a minute, and I fall asleep. Then I wake up, and I’m deeply depressed. It takes me hours to get back to being able to function at all. So I spend so much time recovering from things, I don’t do much in my life.
R. Would you be able to do things and still feel bad?
E. I think the pain I feel is too severe for that.
R. Say you’d woken up, and I came over, and I said to you, come on Ellen, let’s cook dinner. What would happen?
E. Well….I might dissociate in order to cope.
R. But I wouldn’t want you to dissociate.
E. In that after nap state, I would maybe drop things, burn things, probably start some kind of fight with you. Not on purpose. Just that’s what happens.
R. Could you talk about how you’re feeling and still cook? You might tell me you feel sad as you’re melting butter in the pan, or that I’m making you angry by getting in your way….
I think about this.
E. I suppose I could try that. I still think it’s too hard after those naps.
We leave the subject here. But I take this on board. I really do want my life to function better, to be able to do normal things, and not be sidelined all the time because of my strange issues.
I don’t have a friend who would help me through it like that, which is why I stay away from people when I’m struggling. It would be nice though.