Therapy Friday

bird2Oh the day after therapy blues. Today I fought back by sticking to my routine for Saturdays, such as it is. Return books to library, buy paper, sit at outdoor cafe and read, then over to the farmers market. This time I talked with the people I bought from. I just asked them questions – where they farm, is it organic….I felt a bit foolish, but they were very friendly. Now I have too many veg. I will be far too healthy perhaps. There were odd things I could have bought – various sprouted things, fermented things in jars, natural meats like goose, hmm….I have to think about things like this first – maybe next week. I am not an impulse buyer.

It seems to take all my energy to make three meals a day. It’s a lot of work to never eat bread or rice. And always protein. I end up cooking at least twice a day, which is getting old. Then dishes three times a day. And shopping all the time. It’s hard when I’m battling sadness. I just want to eat peanut butter toast and be done with it. However, my stomach issues are getting better. That is worth a lot – just I forget, as I try to learn new routines for taking care of myself.

I need to get some soups and stews cooked, that i can freeze and then pull out for a meal. It’s not the season for stew though. Still.

Now therapy. Back to regular time and day, which is comforting. Talk is stop and go. It is a relief still that group is over. That means I once again perceive Ron as kind and concerned it seems.

I can’t remember what we discussed in the first part. I mentioned that I’d put up the dating site profile. Ron said 30% or relationships now start online. We don’t discuss this much. I don’t mention my concerns about my attractiveness. I’m very reticent in what I want to say. Ron says I live in a ‘hostile world’, and that connections are therefore hard for me. Could be. We don’t discuss this either. I could say something about it but I don’t.

I get to my PTSD problems, which acted up last week. I spent a few days dissociated, the kind where I don’t feel real. I hate that state. I can’t function well in it at all, and I feel hollow and strange.

Then I’ve had a difficult time nights, because I kept waking up extremely frightened, but without remembering any dream. I feel an intense loneliness, and it takes hours to get back to sleep. I have chronic sleep issues, but the last two weeks, it’s seemed particularly bad.

The kid talks to Ron for a while. Then another part whom I don’t know. Then towards the end of the session, I end up in a memory. I feel choking, then a part feels she is being punished, I say I’m sorry over and over. It’s like a half memory – I see two figures off to my right, one a child. Everything is a blue colour. Then I feel things – being choked, someone angry with me, my own anger and confusion.

I cry a bit. Then the session is over.

The memory hasn’t come into any better focus. However last night I slept without waking up afraid, and I’m not dissociated. I do feel a lot of sadness and hopelessness though.

That’s all I can stand to talk about regarding the session. It’s good because I’m processing trauma I suppose. It’s very odd to remember things from different points of view. When I was remembering, the kid faded in and out, wanting to tell Ron how she felt. Then I was always there also.

There is a temptation to think I’m making this stuff up. It seems unreal afterwards, and I don’t have a good story to go with it. However – what do I gain by making it up?

I also felt throughout that Ron was a bit unreal – not sure why, because I was experiencing him positively. I didn’t talk about that, because I did need to do this memory stuff I suppose.

So today I feel hurt and defeated. Feelings from the past. They still take a lot of tending to.

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10 comments
  1. Good work. My thoughts are with you.

    • Ellen said:

      Thanks Ashana. Your comment helped.

  2. Hi, it’s nice to return to your blog and read about your experiences in life and in therapy. I was gone for a while and have now returned and have started another wordpress blog called Jumping In the River. As always, I’m impressed by your honesty in writing about what happens in your sessions and in your mind.

    • Ellen said:

      Great to see you back Paul! I’ll be reading your posts. Thanks for commenting.

  3. Gel said:

    Thanks for keeping on with the therapy and writing here about it..

    As for the cooking for the dietary changes you’ve made….I totally understand. It IS a lot of cooking. I do make large batches and freeze a bunch of it in serving size containers for later. Yet I still end up preparing before each meal and there are always dishes to do. Fortunately for me I do enjoy cooking and even dishes aren’t drudgery. But it takes a lot of time.

    Some times my meals are very simple and/or just eating the same thing several meals in a row. it’s more restful than cooking up something new for every meal. That’s fine for me. But I like to give my hubby variety so I do more for him.

    That’s good that you are getting relief for your stomach problem. Do you like winter squash? That can be a nice break from endless meat.

    • Ellen said:

      I am really struggling with the cooking, yet I also desperately wish to get well. I find it almost impossible to cook when depressed, but I’m trying. I definitely always make enough for leftovers. Interesting about your experience also.

      Yes, I like squash. I have a high metabolism, so I need to eat sweet potato or squash with every meal basically, to get some carbs, as well as meat. It is great that I’ve got some relief, thanks. I’m glad we’re both doing Paleo. 🙂

  4. Ruth said:

    Peanut butter toast is one of my top comfort foods. I allowed myself to have it today. It was very yummy.
    You are doing a lot of work in your therapy. Excellent job recognizing that the emotions are from the past. Pushing limits is big stuff and recognizing where the emotions come from allow you to sort them out. Hi five on all the work you are doing.

    • Ellen said:

      OH, I miss PB toast! Oh well.

      Thanks for the encouragement Ruth.

  5. Cat said:

    Good for you for talking to the stall owners and sitting outside for coffee. I cannot do either due to silly but massive paranoia issues. I know the best way to overcome is exposure. This, I understand, is progress for you.

    I’m pleased relations with Ron are back to how you used to feel. It was unfortunate that the “nasty group” was such a bad experience in the end.

    It’s amazing you slept better after that session. I imagine the feelings of sadness and hopelessness can come when processing this trauma. It’s part of the healing, IMO.

    I have a suspicion that I have blanked out things from childhood. Sometimes little snippets flash through my mind and it terrifies me. I admire your courage to allow yourself to delve into this and I just know that there is no way you are making this stuff up.

    These traumatic memories and feeling take a heck of a lot to process. *healing supportive hugs*

    • Ellen said:

      Yes, talking to the market people was different for me. I think I need to get more used to chatting and being friendly. One thing about me, I can always ask people questions, and often they like that. I am sorry you too have these issues.

      I’m please also. 🙂 The effects of group are still there, but things are better.

      I think because I have PTSD, processing some memories, even just partially, can provide relief in the form of less fear in the rest of my life, better sleep, etc. I think it may have been that memory trying to come up that was causing me issues last week. Like I’ve said before, it would be too scary to allow this stuff to come up by myself – doing it with a safe person there is essential for me.

      Thank you for believing in me. Hugs to you.

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