Oh the day after therapy blues. Today I fought back by sticking to my routine for Saturdays, such as it is. Return books to library, buy paper, sit at outdoor cafe and read, then over to the farmers market. This time I talked with the people I bought from. I just asked them questions – where they farm, is it organic….I felt a bit foolish, but they were very friendly. Now I have too many veg. I will be far too healthy perhaps. There were odd things I could have bought – various sprouted things, fermented things in jars, natural meats like goose, hmm….I have to think about things like this first – maybe next week. I am not an impulse buyer.
It seems to take all my energy to make three meals a day. It’s a lot of work to never eat bread or rice. And always protein. I end up cooking at least twice a day, which is getting old. Then dishes three times a day. And shopping all the time. It’s hard when I’m battling sadness. I just want to eat peanut butter toast and be done with it. However, my stomach issues are getting better. That is worth a lot – just I forget, as I try to learn new routines for taking care of myself.
I need to get some soups and stews cooked, that i can freeze and then pull out for a meal. It’s not the season for stew though. Still.
Now therapy. Back to regular time and day, which is comforting. Talk is stop and go. It is a relief still that group is over. That means I once again perceive Ron as kind and concerned it seems.
I can’t remember what we discussed in the first part. I mentioned that I’d put up the dating site profile. Ron said 30% or relationships now start online. We don’t discuss this much. I don’t mention my concerns about my attractiveness. I’m very reticent in what I want to say. Ron says I live in a ‘hostile world’, and that connections are therefore hard for me. Could be. We don’t discuss this either. I could say something about it but I don’t.
I get to my PTSD problems, which acted up last week. I spent a few days dissociated, the kind where I don’t feel real. I hate that state. I can’t function well in it at all, and I feel hollow and strange.
Then I’ve had a difficult time nights, because I kept waking up extremely frightened, but without remembering any dream. I feel an intense loneliness, and it takes hours to get back to sleep. I have chronic sleep issues, but the last two weeks, it’s seemed particularly bad.
The kid talks to Ron for a while. Then another part whom I don’t know. Then towards the end of the session, I end up in a memory. I feel choking, then a part feels she is being punished, I say I’m sorry over and over. It’s like a half memory – I see two figures off to my right, one a child. Everything is a blue colour. Then I feel things – being choked, someone angry with me, my own anger and confusion.
I cry a bit. Then the session is over.
The memory hasn’t come into any better focus. However last night I slept without waking up afraid, and I’m not dissociated. I do feel a lot of sadness and hopelessness though.
That’s all I can stand to talk about regarding the session. It’s good because I’m processing trauma I suppose. It’s very odd to remember things from different points of view. When I was remembering, the kid faded in and out, wanting to tell Ron how she felt. Then I was always there also.
There is a temptation to think I’m making this stuff up. It seems unreal afterwards, and I don’t have a good story to go with it. However – what do I gain by making it up?
I also felt throughout that Ron was a bit unreal – not sure why, because I was experiencing him positively. I didn’t talk about that, because I did need to do this memory stuff I suppose.
So today I feel hurt and defeated. Feelings from the past. They still take a lot of tending to.