I just uploaded a profile to a dating site. Aack. If I don’t do pro-active things, I will stay alone. Creating the profile and posting a photo has brought all my insecurities about my appearance roaring to the fore. My appearance and my social skills. And my mood. Sigh.
I was never pretty. I have these grooves on my face, and old acne scars. Enlarged pores. Now I’m older, I also have baggy eyes. And right now, my haircut has grown out and so pieces of hair stick out.
I know I could make it work if I had self-confidence. Where or where is self-confidence? I’m not horribly ugly, I wouldn’t say. I have a thin body type and trim body. If I’m depressed, my appearance takes a bit of a nose-dive – I think you can see that in my face.
I wish my family hadn’t treated as if there was something wrong with me. Sometimes I fall into that space, that there is something horrifically wrong with me that everyone can see.
My son and I both need new glasses, so today I took him to a local ‘trendy’ eyeglass store. We found some for him. Then he helped me decide, pair after pair, which ones looked good. Hard to see yourself without corrective lenses – I just look blurry.
Looking at myself in the mirror for half an hour – not so fun. I felt horribly unattractive.
But I’m glad I’ll have new glasses. Also realized my current glasses are actually pretty good – they suit me. I got them at a more ordinary glasses store. Well, I’ve spent the money now on a new pair. Will be very expensive, despite getting one of the cheaper frames there.
I realized when I got home that different parts like different glasses. The kid really liked some with fun stripes on the arms. Dark voice wanted black. Anyway, I blocked them out because I was listening to my son / the salesperson.
It was good to have an outing with my son. He rarely wants to go anywhere with me. He has been sick, but now seems to be on the mend, such a relief.
The other anxiety producing event was taking a picture of myself to post. I want to show exactly what I look like – don’t want anyone fleeing in horror when they meet me, lol. I look better with glasses than without it turns out.
Taking your own picture – very difficult. Trying not to look insane / petrified / hung over – needing a bit of a smile, and looking at that black lens as if it’s a friend of yours. Not so easy, but I did it.
We’ll see. What to say in a profile? Also very difficult. Details are too personal. The usual ‘qualities and interests’ are the same as millions of others.
OK, I did it, now I’m going to let go of it. Still have to decide whether to actually pay them money.