Depression

Depression is casting its gloomy net. Haven’t been writing, and I do better when I try to write, so here I am.

Weather lovely, cool and sunny. No problem with the weather. I’ve finally planted my balcony, such as it is, so that’s a relief and I am enjoying a few blooms.

I went to visit my parents Sunday, with my son. Aha. Pain point. Bingo.

As usual, nothing much went wrong. We were fed. Everyone was polite. I talked a fair amount. My siblings weren’t there, which was a huge relief. Things are easier when they aren’t there. The family doesn’t fall into its usual patterns so easily.

I was more or less enjoying talking. I explained about my new diet, Paleo. My mother had never heard of it, and looked at me with this amazed look on her face. She called it the cave man diet.

I didn’t have an uncomfortable time. But the next day, I was very depressed. I spent a lot of time lying down looking out the window, unable to get it together.

Since then, I’ve been down. Work is extremely slow, so there’s not much distraction there.

It’s actually difficult to write when I feel like this. My thoughts are slow, I think about lying down.

Today I went to the library and the cafe. I did a load of laundry. I read my mystery novel. I lay out in the sun and watered my plants. And that’s about it. I want to go to a yoga class tonight, but don’t have a lot of motivation. Maybe it’s best just to endure this feeling.

I will see Ron tomorrow evening. At which point, my depression is likely to be transformed into more severe sorrow or sloshing waves of anxiety. I have to try to keep the session light though as I have to work the next day.

I suppose seeing my parents reminds me of the past, and I find it painful. It’s just not that direct – I don’t have thoughts I can point to that are negative or about the past. More like a nudge, there is a past, it’s just out of sight…

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6 comments
  1. Ruth said:

    I found visiting my parents a bit like being poked in a sore spot. The damage is already done and poking just aggravates the feeling. It wouldn’t be a problem if it wasn’t already sore. Just a perspective to consider. Glad you are writing.

    • Ellen said:

      That seems to describe my situation too. Thanks!

  2. Cat said:

    Your visits to the parent’s sounds similar to my own experiences – I always feel drained and low afterwards. In my case, I put it down to unresolved and suppressed issues.

    I love writing but tend to struggle with it whenever I’m down. I sometimes write poetry – we can express so much through fewer words. It sounds as if you had quite an eventful day, despite your mood. It is much more than I would have got through.

    I hope today feels a little better and everything goes well with Ron tonight

    • Ellen said:

      I’m sorry you can relate so well Cat. I’ve written a poem or two also. I’m finding journal writing, hard copy, is helping at the moment. I can really write stuff that doesn’t make sense without worrying about it too much. Thanks for thinking I got a lot done. I feel good that at least I do a few things.

      The session with Ron was OK. Thanks for commenting.

  3. Gel said:

    I also find it hard to write when I’m down. It sounds good that you managed to do a variety of activities as well as just let yourself lay low. The way you described not having neg. thoughts but just feeling like having been nudged…on past stuff that is just out of sight – that’s a good way to describe it. I find that some of my old wounds are not at the level of consciousness but rather affect me in vague moods.

    I hope it goes well with R. today.

    • Ellen said:

      Yeah, stuff just out of sight plays havoc with my moods at times. Thanks, the session was fine. take care

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