Good mother

weedThere’s a pale half moon rising in the skylight right above my desk. 8:30 and it’s still daylight. Still too hot and humid to risk going outside more than a few quick minutes. But it’s cooled down enough that my AC can make a stab at keeping things comfortable. Warm but not stifling.

Today I went in to work and stayed all day. Because I haven’t had enough to do, I’ve been tending to stay only half days, but today there was a little more going on. It’s easy to get used to not staying for eight hours and I’m tired today.

I was noticing the low depressions I used to fall into at work are less severe. I think for me it’s a parts problem. I am used to severely holding down parts, especially at work. It amounts to not allowing those parts to speak, so I can’t even think some things. It makes me very depressed. What seems to be helping is when I feel that sinking depression, is to allow parts space, especially the kid and the dark voice.

This all happens internally BTW. It’s obviously inappropriate for parts to express themselves at work. But I can allow them to talk to me. It’s like giving air and sunshine and a listening ear to small parts. For instance, the kid loves to walk around outside and look at things. I can be the kid for a few minutes, walking around, just enjoying moving and watching what’s going on.

When I do this kind of thing, that stressed out black depression starts to roll back.

I can provide reassurance, that we’re all basically OK at work, earning money is good, no one hates us. Or that we’ll have a break soon to walk around, get a snack, or that it’ll be time to go home soon, and then we’ll have some ice cream….Things like this, I find extremely soothing. Trying to be a good mother, instead of a repressive one.

I really like this discovery. I’m hoping it keeps helping me.

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12 comments
  1. weareonebyruth said:

    I found it helped me. I still keep coloring books…I don’t use them any more but it is reassuring. You are doing great.

    • Ellen said:

      I’ve got the crayons ready to go also. Thanks Ruth

  2. I really like that idea, Ellen. Thanks for sharing what is working for you.

  3. Gel said:

    It’s soothing to me just to read how you describe this. Thanks!
    There are ways that what you describe sound like what I do, even though I don’t think of myself as having parts the way you do. I do feel really young emotionally at times and if I treat myself as a loving parent would treat a sweet disturbed child, then things go a lot better.

    I’m glad you are finding ways to cope that are working for you. It sounds really good.

    • Ellen said:

      That sounds like the same kind of thing Gel. We all have different parts of ourselves, just some of us have more solid walls between them than others. Thank you.

  4. laura said:

    that’s exciting, Ellen! what Gel said, above, goes for me too.

  5. Cat said:

    I watched an interesting programme on BBC 3 the other night about youngsters with MH problems. A section was on DID. Of course, there was not enough time to give it the chance it deserves.

    The girl with DID, a university student, seems to live very openly with her parts – they all have a sound understanding of each other’s needs. The amazing realisation for me was that all these parts were entirely different people. They had their own unique voices, mannerisms, and even facial expressions. This particular girl had long blond hair. I couldn’t help wonder if it was short, dark, and less intrusive, all her ‘parts’ would probably take on their own appearance as well.

    I imagine it must be difficult to repress them at any time, no more important that at work. Learning to talk with yours throughout the day, taking a stroll on a break, and being that caring mother, sounds an excellent tactic for keeping it together. It must exhaust you.

    • Ellen said:

      That’s interesting Cat. I actually do not have DID. It’s kind of a middle stage. My different parts do have different ways of talking. However they never entirely take over unless I’m badly triggered or if I allow it to happen. There is a TV show about DID, United States of Tara, where the main character has parts, each with a completely different look and different clothes they wear. It’s an interesting show. Anyhow, I’m not like that.

      It’s actually not difficult to repress them – I do that automatically. The problem is complete suppression leads to anxiety / depression, so I need some kind of middle ground of allowing but me staying in control. It is rather tiring. Thanks for being so interested!

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