Odds and sods

The heat, the heat….growl. I’m not a fan. In any sense. Summer heat in my city comes along with a thick wet blanket of humid air. Hard to breathe and move. I get anxious. When I’m anxious, there’s always the danger I’ll dissociate – my body oh so helpfully trying to remove me from the unpleasantness. Just it’s better to stick around now, now that I’m grown up.

I do have an air conditioner, a portable. I turn it to wherever I am. It doesn’t reach down the hall to my bedroom there. It keeps things somewhat bearable is all. I’d need something more powerful to cool this place down in a heat wave.

I was at work yesterday for a meeting, which was over quickly, then had nothing else to do. I had been so hot, I was just happy to be in the air conditioned office for a few hours, bored or not.

I feel disconnected, in the heat. It’s harder to go places. Even in the morning before the heat takes hold. This morning I went to buy fish and vegetables…I really pushed myself to get out and drive before eleven. And I made it, but I went to the fish store, where they are very nice by the way, and I realized I was almost too afraid to talk. Sigh. I hadn’t realized I felt like that. With all the pushing to do this, I’d pushed aside my feelings I suppose.

At least I got fish. Being on a Paleo diet is tricky. It seems I have to prepare meals three times a day. I was used to grabbing sandwiches, toast….Not anymore. No grains, no legumes, no dairy. But it’s working. I have a lot less heartburn. And I can trace the return of symptoms to when I fall off the diet. Like the soy ice cream I ate this afternoon. Or if I lie down sooner than three or four hours after eating.

But being perfect is impossible. I felt bad and I just needed the ice cream. And I’m used to lying down when I want to – sometimes I just can’t do it, can’t stay upright all day long.

I realize I need to get some emergency meals for the freezer, things I can grab when I feel I can’t cook. I just feel unable to cook when feeling a particular kind of badness. I guess for paleo, that would mainly be stew. Though I suppose I could freeze some cooked fish / meat and veg together, in one portion batches. That would work.

I’m not at all a devoted cook, so all this is hard, but on the other hand, I am so happy to be feeling better. Just need to make the whole thing work for me.

I have been trying not to fret about therapy or therapy topics. There is a way of shifting the mind away so I can do other things. I do wish the last session had been one where I felt connected and safe. They seem to alternate. Last week, I wish he hadn’t asked me if I wanted to come back. I’m sure he no longer wants to work with me. But I don’t know and won’t find out for another two weeks.

I’ve realized the upsetting dream I had was also about my feelings about the group and Ron in the group, as well as my past. All those feelings were stirred up again. I would like to work through them so they don’t keep coming up.

Because I talked about my son in the last session, I’ve been feeling like a bad mother. Also feeling that Ron judged me. I don’t feel I trashed my son, but I described things about him that made him seem odd. I wish I hadn’t. He does do odd things, and I worry.

I know probably my treatment of him as a baby and young child caused him problems that he has now. According to what I’ve been reading in depth psychology. I obviously wasn’t abusive. I tried very hard. But the thing is, when you’re not doing well yourself, it’s hard to raise a psychologically healthy kid. All your instincts tend to be shaped by your own past, and so you harm your own child by mistake.

  1. Ruth said:

    I have acid reflux. I put a couple of extra pillows or blankets under my shoulders and head to keep them above my stomach. I actually got used to sleeping this way. I learned this trick when I couldn’t stay up for more than 20 minutes after eating. I am doing much better now and noticing that as I lose weight the acid reflux gets better too. Stress, heat, and so many other things makes it hard to keep going.
    I noticed the same thing, feeling like my counselor doesn’t want to see me any more. I wonder if it is part of not feeling like I was wanted at home? I appreciate reading about your experience when I realize I do something similar and can reflect on your suggestions as to what is working for you. You are amazing and your progress is wonderful. Well done getting the fish when you were feeling a bit worn out. I am noticing that not feeling well is real motivation to stick to my exercises and eating properly. Take care, Ruth

    • Ellen said:

      I’ve added another pillow, making three under my head! It does help, thank you. And you understand about not being able to stay upright – sometimes it is just impossible.

      I wonder if that is the source of the feeling of not being wanted, for me also. Thanks for the encouragement about the fish. 🙂 At least I went out there and got it. I too tend to go back to basics when under stress – walks, nutrition, sleep. The magic three. Thanks for the kind words Ruth

  2. Cat said:

    I feel exactly the same with heat and being 2 miles from London city, the humidity and smog is horrid. My portable air cons are burning just as much electricity as heating in winter….. WINTER? Oh yes, how I wish it was winter!!

    My diet is terrible. I see food as a necessity that often gets in the way of whatever I’m doing. Summer salads are about the healthiest food I eat. It’s just as well I cannot eat ready-made meals or I’d be on them permanently. I’m boiling a joint of ham, the PC is in the kitchen and I am ruddy cooking with it!

    Judging by what I have read of Ron and your situation with the group etc…. I think that Ron is professional enough to say if HE thought he could no longer work with you. To ignore that feeling would be disastrous to your on-going recovery and I do not think Ron would (knowingly) put you in that position. I imagine he was asking because you were not happy regarding the group issues. It would have been understandable if you did not wish to continue.

    I really admire what you said in the last paragraph. Your awareness/admission of perhaps not doing your best is very humble and brave. I wish my mum had a tiny fraction of that wisdom. She lives in a fantasy world of them being the perfect parents, when in reality, it was – and still is – chronically dysfunctional.

    • Ellen said:

      Yes, my AC costs as much as my heat in winter also.

      Summer salads and ham sound pretty healthy. I found that my diet had a huge impact on my levels of depression actually. There were specific things I had to eliminate. Probably not the same for everyone, but I still wish the info was out there more. I too find it very hard though to watch my diet when I’m feeling low. It’s the last thing I want to do.

      I wonder if that is Ron’s motivation. I will ask him. In two weeks, which seems like a lifetime. It’s a good thought, because it would mean it’s not that he doesn’t want to work with me.

      Thanks for the mother comment. It’s one of the real true sorrows of my life that I wasn’t able to be a better mother than I was. Once you get to be a certain age, you realize there are things you’ll never get to fix, or do right, they are mistakes made and that’s it. I am sorry your mother is such a pill, if I may say that.

      Thank you Cat. And thanks for the heads up re spam – hopefully that won’t happen again now I’ve unspammed you. Very strange that this happens.

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