The heat, the heat….growl. I’m not a fan. In any sense. Summer heat in my city comes along with a thick wet blanket of humid air. Hard to breathe and move. I get anxious. When I’m anxious, there’s always the danger I’ll dissociate – my body oh so helpfully trying to remove me from the unpleasantness. Just it’s better to stick around now, now that I’m grown up.
I do have an air conditioner, a portable. I turn it to wherever I am. It doesn’t reach down the hall to my bedroom there. It keeps things somewhat bearable is all. I’d need something more powerful to cool this place down in a heat wave.
I was at work yesterday for a meeting, which was over quickly, then had nothing else to do. I had been so hot, I was just happy to be in the air conditioned office for a few hours, bored or not.
I feel disconnected, in the heat. It’s harder to go places. Even in the morning before the heat takes hold. This morning I went to buy fish and vegetables…I really pushed myself to get out and drive before eleven. And I made it, but I went to the fish store, where they are very nice by the way, and I realized I was almost too afraid to talk. Sigh. I hadn’t realized I felt like that. With all the pushing to do this, I’d pushed aside my feelings I suppose.
At least I got fish. Being on a Paleo diet is tricky. It seems I have to prepare meals three times a day. I was used to grabbing sandwiches, toast….Not anymore. No grains, no legumes, no dairy. But it’s working. I have a lot less heartburn. And I can trace the return of symptoms to when I fall off the diet. Like the soy ice cream I ate this afternoon. Or if I lie down sooner than three or four hours after eating.
But being perfect is impossible. I felt bad and I just needed the ice cream. And I’m used to lying down when I want to – sometimes I just can’t do it, can’t stay upright all day long.
I realize I need to get some emergency meals for the freezer, things I can grab when I feel I can’t cook. I just feel unable to cook when feeling a particular kind of badness. I guess for paleo, that would mainly be stew. Though I suppose I could freeze some cooked fish / meat and veg together, in one portion batches. That would work.
I’m not at all a devoted cook, so all this is hard, but on the other hand, I am so happy to be feeling better. Just need to make the whole thing work for me.
I have been trying not to fret about therapy or therapy topics. There is a way of shifting the mind away so I can do other things. I do wish the last session had been one where I felt connected and safe. They seem to alternate. Last week, I wish he hadn’t asked me if I wanted to come back. I’m sure he no longer wants to work with me. But I don’t know and won’t find out for another two weeks.
I’ve realized the upsetting dream I had was also about my feelings about the group and Ron in the group, as well as my past. All those feelings were stirred up again. I would like to work through them so they don’t keep coming up.
Because I talked about my son in the last session, I’ve been feeling like a bad mother. Also feeling that Ron judged me. I don’t feel I trashed my son, but I described things about him that made him seem odd. I wish I hadn’t. He does do odd things, and I worry.
I know probably my treatment of him as a baby and young child caused him problems that he has now. According to what I’ve been reading in depth psychology. I obviously wasn’t abusive. I tried very hard. But the thing is, when you’re not doing well yourself, it’s hard to raise a psychologically healthy kid. All your instincts tend to be shaped by your own past, and so you harm your own child by mistake.