Therapy this week was somewhat better. I went in determined not to argue and to try and stick with my feelings.
I was tempted to not bother discussing our ‘bone of contention’ the last group at all. However, Ron is all for not avoiding, so we discussed it. I said how I’d felt he didn’t support me at all in the last group. As I’ve discussed here in previous posts.
Ron sees this whole situation as a trigger for me. He said he could see I’d been in enormous pain about it. He doesn’t think that what happened at the group was a problem in any way. He didn’t respond at all to the things I said about wishing he’d supported me at some point.
He wanted me to go into where these feelings about group would take me.
I told him I didn’t trust him enough at the moment to go into painful places. I really didn’t.
Plus, I told him I don’t really function like that. I function more in parts. He said you’re still human and so you can see where this takes you.
We tend to have this argument – he wants me to probe into where feelings are coming from, going from feeling to feeling say, seeing what comes up. For me, that’s always translating. The problematic feelings tend to be coming from parts. It’s a lot more direct for me to just investigate what the parts have to say. Ron didn’t say it this time, but he thinks I’m basically avoiding pain or something, when I say things like that.
So we deadlocked. I felt misunderstood, he felt I wasn’t being a good therapy client. (I know I don’t know what he felt, it’s how I imagine he felt.)
It’s true for me, that I only have a certain amount to say about situations, and then I stop. Because then what comes up for me is trauma or parts. And parts translated never works well. I did a bit of that in the session, and then got mad when Ron commented on the feelings I voiced.
I stopped talking altogether. He said I was in a trap, where I couldn’t talk. I felt like What’s the point in talking, it’s not getting me anywhere.
I could see though that Ron is trying to help me. I have a fear that I’ll just be laughed at or discounted, and I know he is not doing that. He cares and he wants to help.
This session he was a lot gentler and more laid back than last. I’d told him in an email that I needed a gentler approach, and I think he complied. He is gentle actually.
In the last fifteen minutes, I asked if we should do parts. Ron said OK, and I waffled back and forth, not sure if I trusted him or not. But doing parts was good.
First the kid. The kid was upset about waking up the night before and feeling completely alone, like she was in outer space. Then she talked about ice cream we can’t eat, and a DVD that I hadn’t played for us though she wants to see it. And that we haven’t planted our flower pots this year, too sad. She’s upset about no flowers.
The kid cried a bit. I switched out, and then switched to a really problematic part that hates therapy. She said I’d be better off dead than coming to therapy. It’s bad to cry in front of people and to talk about things we shouldn’t talk about. I shouldn’t come to therapy and I shouldn’t talk here and I am doing the wrong things. People don’t like you if you cry and get upset.
This part is disturbing. She thinks I’d be better off dead than talking to people about the past. I’d been hearing from her on the way to therapy, so I let her speak. She is destructive and hostile.
That wrapped things up. Ron said a few things to parts which I can’t remember. Oh, he asked the kid why she hadn’t talked to him for a long time.
After switching back out, I realized I felt better about Ron – less distrustful, more connected. I still don’t agree that the group simply triggered me and that in fact nothing at all negative happened there. I just can’t agree with that. I think both are true. I can be triggered, and something bad can still be the cause.
I have luckily not needed to send any more emails, so that source of anxiety isn’t there. I’m disturbed by this negative voice that feels it’s essential I keep away from people, that I don’t talk, and that wants me dead if I don’t comply. It’s a scary part, and I hear it more now. I wish I didn’t.