Anxious ramble

Suffering from anxiety.

I was feeling better today. I’d finally found bits of enjoyment in life again and wasn’t weighed down by depression. But for the last few hours that’s fallen by the wayside.

What’s making me anxious. Let’s see if I can list it. It’s no longer the group. Now it’s therapy. Maybe the feelings have transferred to Ron.

I feel off the no email wagon. Very early morning, I couldn’t go back to sleep, I sent him a short email saying I wish we hadn’t fought at our last session. A few more things. I stuck to my own feelings and didn’t speculate about his. I thought it was fine. The last time I wrote, after the last session, he’d said to write as often as is helpful.

I asked for a response, and he hasn’t responded. Writing helped at first. I was able to go back to sleep, and I calmed down about therapy. Sometimes just writing things down and sending them helps.

Now he has not responded, so I’m checking my email every five minutes in that futile and anxiety producing way. I guess I wonder why he didn’t reply. Was he angry. Is he busy. Is there something I said that disturbed him. Is he away for the day. I just wish he would put me out of my misery and write back.

Ron rarely writes anything substantive back. He simply replies to reassure me that it’s OK.

I feel like an idiot. This is where email goes wrong. If I didn’t need a response, it would be fine.

Why else do I feel anxious. Too much time alone. I am working from home, my boss is away, and there’s very little incentive to get much done. No one cares. The work is boring and depressing. I do this thing where I feel guilty, then I go off for walks, come back and work a bit, can’t stand it, take a nap, feel guilty…It’s very anxiety producing. I feel inadequate. I have good intentions but can’t carry them out.

I wonder about R. I’ve realized I push a bit with new friends. So on the phone last week, I said, let’s talk again next week. He said sure, wasn’t sure about the day, said he’d message me. Well, I haven’t heard from him. I have to be prepared to let that friendship go I think, or at least be very relaxed about it. I musn’t  cling. It could be once we’re not thrown together by a situation, the group, we won’t keep contacting each other. It’s OK, because it’s nice we connected as we did for a while.

I think women are better friend prospects anyhow. For many reasons.

I wonder if I had someone there for me, like family, someone who I saw all the time and could talk to, I wonder if I’d be taking all this so hard.

Today I looked through some other therapist profiles. I sometimes feel like this problem Ron and I have been in for the past four sessions is too huge to repair. But another part of me just wants to go back and keep trying. Then I get caught in the middle, just trapped in pure anxiety, not knowing what to do or how to help myself.

Today I’d thought of booking a half hour massage. I chickened out. I did go so far as to find someone local, I have the phone number and the rate is affordable for me. I just thought if I could relax a bit about everything, things would go better.

I’m worried though that trauma could come up. It wouldn’t necessarily, but it could. Or I just shy away from new things. Anyway, I didn’t call. Tomorrow she doesn’t work, so that’s it for this week.

I feel I need to take care of myself more than I have been. I need other things in place besides therapy. I’ve looked up yoga classes also. So far, I haven’t done anything about any of it.

I feel so abandoned when Ron doesn’t answer me. So lost. As if this means he no longer cares about me. That all my worst fears about him and therapy are true. Right now, those fears are so strong and so prominent.

I don’t understand why he’s been acting as he has. I don’t understand why he has to win the argument all the time. I don’t understand why he can’t accept my feelings about what happened to me in the last group. I still don’t understand why he didn’t say anything at all on my behalf at the last group, even when E said I was talking bullshit. In session, Ron said nothing said in group is bullshit. Then why didn’t he say something in group about it? I’d just been chewed out by M when E said that to me. I wish he could have said one supportive thing to me then, or asked one of these people one doubting question about what they were saying to me. Anything. But he didn’t.

I can’t remember our last session well. I actually picture it as a screaming match, which is ridiculous. No one screamed. I think I would have gotten further with it all if I’d abandoned the arguing and stuck to my feelings.

I should have emailed a friend instead of Ron. It’s true, it’s Ron I want to speak to. But I can write my feelings to someone else. Then I wouldn’t be in this anxiety trap. Does he care? Is he fed up? Has he turned into a space alien?

Maybe this is a way to work through my issues with relationships. To realize that disagreements can be repaired. Usually, I simply avoid the subject of disagreements with important others. They’re usually deeply rooted for both of us, and my experience has been that arguing about them doesn’t help.

I feel that Ron holds all the cards here. He is cooler, it’s not his emotions boiling over, I am dependent on him, not vice versa, he is better with feelings than I am, I am needy and he is not.

It’s a very flattening feeling.

I simply have the choice to leave if I decide to. A cold hard choice. Or I can keep writhing on the hook as I am.

Maybe there’s some feeling under the anxiety. If I could find and express it, the anxiety would leave. I’ve found that in the past. If so, what is it?

  1. Cat said:

    I really don’t know how I would deal with this kind of situation. If I were paying, I might be tempted to look elsewhere. I suppose you must have a reasonable relationship and it would be difficult to start all over again. Perhaps it might be best to give it time. Hopefully, the further away from the group you get, it might pale into insignificance.

    • Ellen said:

      I actually think we have a close relationship. I have issues with anger and lack of trust. I think at the moment that we can get over this. Especially if he would reply to my email. Thanks Cat

  2. Sending soothing, calming thoughts your way. I hope that before too long, you will be able to figure out what feels like the most right thing for you to do. I suspect that there is no perfect solution. At the very least, even if you leave and find a fantastic new therapist, the young parts who are attached to Ron will be upset about leaving him. And if you stay and working things out so there is less conflict, you are still going to need to live with the fact that Ron doesn’t seem to have a sound understanding of how to treat people who strongly dissociate. Much, much support as you grapple with what will be best for all of you.

    • Ellen said:

      All of us would be very upset at leaving actually. I know my post does make things look grim, but there are other sides to this besides what I’m writing at this moment. You think he doesn’t know what to do with dissociation? Is there anything specific you think he does incorrectly? I really don’t know.

      Thanks for the calming thoughts, advice and support.

  3. catherine said:

    have you had a chance to explore your anxieties about emailing with him? i think it might be one way to approach the subject of attachment and “neediness” as you call it… i have often felt overly needy around sharon, but when we explored it she ended up telling me that attachment was not a one way thing, and that she was very attached to me. it def. helped balance out what had been feeling like an unequal power structure and a panic that i had been having that i was altogether TOO MUCH…

    • Ellen said:

      We’ve touched on the email issue, but I wouldn’t say we’ve explored it. There is a lot to talk about besides this, but it’s a good idea. I remember when you wrote about this Catherine, Sharon’s response made a big impression. I don’t think Ron would respond as she did. We did have the conversation, I’m attached to you and you’re not to me, and Ron asked me did I think he didn’t care, and I said I thought he kind of did, because he is conscientious, but the relationship wasn’t important to him the way it was to me. We left it there. It’s always going to be true – he has thirty other clients, and I only have one therapist. I know that feeling of being too much very well. Thanks for sharing your story. Glad Sharon’s response helped put some of your fears to rest.

      • catherine said:

        i do think it’s ripe for digging around in, personally, and worth more to you than just touching on it. he’s a very important person in your life, not just because of his role in your healing journey, but because of the transference stuff… (and i know i’m not typing something new to you, but it might help anyone reading along)… so attachment and neediness re. Ron is a way to work through attachment and feelings of neediness towards your caregivers when from when you were small. having a relationship with sharon has helped me feel way less than a space alien, which is how i described myself for many, many years. it’s funny you used that phrase, too. but it wasn’t to describe yourself, right, it was him? i know there’s lots on the healing agenda, but i think there’s lots of woundedness around the emails and not feeling cared for, even respected sometimes, that might benefit from an exploration. coffee next week?

        • Ellen said:

          This all makes a lot of sense. I probably will bring up that topic. Coffee OK. Thanks Catherine

  4. Ruth said:

    I found that anxiety sometimes works like a chicken and an egg, which came first? Sometimes the feeling of anxiety comes first then we look around for something that many have caused it. Real bummer for me to realize I sometimes attached my feelings of anxiety to the wrong situation. Food for thought, is it possible that some of your feeling of anxiety with Ron is that the group situation some how changed your perspective of Ron? Change of any kind can be scary especially with parts. You also discuss wishing he stood up for you, is it possible you wished your mother had stood up for you or maybe the other way around? I agree with Catherine that you may want to devote an entire session to the issue of how you feel about emails that he says are ok to send then he doesn’t respond. This is a common issue with parents and other caregivers… they say one thing but do something else. The difference between what they say and what they do can generate a great deal of anxiety. I am cheering for you and hoping the very best in your healing.
    For today, I hope you can feel less anxious no matter if he writes or doesn’t .

    • Ellen said:

      I do/did strongly wish Ron would have stood up for me in some way. Anything would have helped, even something indirect. It makes sense it would be linked to wishing my mother had stood up for me as a child.

      I brought up the emails in the session but it didn’t go anywhere. I suspect Ron took it as another criticism, though I didn’t mean it like that. Maybe when things settle down again I’ll work on that aspect. It is confusing when he says it’s fine to write, and if I ask for a response he’ll respond, and then he doesn’t do that. The next day, when I was pretty sure he would not respond, I emailed again just saying I was anxious and asking for a response, and he responded almost right away. Just that he was listening. So then my anxiety went away.

      Thanks Ruth

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