Suffering from anxiety.
I was feeling better today. I’d finally found bits of enjoyment in life again and wasn’t weighed down by depression. But for the last few hours that’s fallen by the wayside.
What’s making me anxious. Let’s see if I can list it. It’s no longer the group. Now it’s therapy. Maybe the feelings have transferred to Ron.
I feel off the no email wagon. Very early morning, I couldn’t go back to sleep, I sent him a short email saying I wish we hadn’t fought at our last session. A few more things. I stuck to my own feelings and didn’t speculate about his. I thought it was fine. The last time I wrote, after the last session, he’d said to write as often as is helpful.
I asked for a response, and he hasn’t responded. Writing helped at first. I was able to go back to sleep, and I calmed down about therapy. Sometimes just writing things down and sending them helps.
Now he has not responded, so I’m checking my email every five minutes in that futile and anxiety producing way. I guess I wonder why he didn’t reply. Was he angry. Is he busy. Is there something I said that disturbed him. Is he away for the day. I just wish he would put me out of my misery and write back.
Ron rarely writes anything substantive back. He simply replies to reassure me that it’s OK.
I feel like an idiot. This is where email goes wrong. If I didn’t need a response, it would be fine.
Why else do I feel anxious. Too much time alone. I am working from home, my boss is away, and there’s very little incentive to get much done. No one cares. The work is boring and depressing. I do this thing where I feel guilty, then I go off for walks, come back and work a bit, can’t stand it, take a nap, feel guilty…It’s very anxiety producing. I feel inadequate. I have good intentions but can’t carry them out.
I wonder about R. I’ve realized I push a bit with new friends. So on the phone last week, I said, let’s talk again next week. He said sure, wasn’t sure about the day, said he’d message me. Well, I haven’t heard from him. I have to be prepared to let that friendship go I think, or at least be very relaxed about it. I musn’t cling. It could be once we’re not thrown together by a situation, the group, we won’t keep contacting each other. It’s OK, because it’s nice we connected as we did for a while.
I think women are better friend prospects anyhow. For many reasons.
I wonder if I had someone there for me, like family, someone who I saw all the time and could talk to, I wonder if I’d be taking all this so hard.
Today I looked through some other therapist profiles. I sometimes feel like this problem Ron and I have been in for the past four sessions is too huge to repair. But another part of me just wants to go back and keep trying. Then I get caught in the middle, just trapped in pure anxiety, not knowing what to do or how to help myself.
Today I’d thought of booking a half hour massage. I chickened out. I did go so far as to find someone local, I have the phone number and the rate is affordable for me. I just thought if I could relax a bit about everything, things would go better.
I’m worried though that trauma could come up. It wouldn’t necessarily, but it could. Or I just shy away from new things. Anyway, I didn’t call. Tomorrow she doesn’t work, so that’s it for this week.
I feel I need to take care of myself more than I have been. I need other things in place besides therapy. I’ve looked up yoga classes also. So far, I haven’t done anything about any of it.
I feel so abandoned when Ron doesn’t answer me. So lost. As if this means he no longer cares about me. That all my worst fears about him and therapy are true. Right now, those fears are so strong and so prominent.
I don’t understand why he’s been acting as he has. I don’t understand why he has to win the argument all the time. I don’t understand why he can’t accept my feelings about what happened to me in the last group. I still don’t understand why he didn’t say anything at all on my behalf at the last group, even when E said I was talking bullshit. In session, Ron said nothing said in group is bullshit. Then why didn’t he say something in group about it? I’d just been chewed out by M when E said that to me. I wish he could have said one supportive thing to me then, or asked one of these people one doubting question about what they were saying to me. Anything. But he didn’t.
I can’t remember our last session well. I actually picture it as a screaming match, which is ridiculous. No one screamed. I think I would have gotten further with it all if I’d abandoned the arguing and stuck to my feelings.
I should have emailed a friend instead of Ron. It’s true, it’s Ron I want to speak to. But I can write my feelings to someone else. Then I wouldn’t be in this anxiety trap. Does he care? Is he fed up? Has he turned into a space alien?
Maybe this is a way to work through my issues with relationships. To realize that disagreements can be repaired. Usually, I simply avoid the subject of disagreements with important others. They’re usually deeply rooted for both of us, and my experience has been that arguing about them doesn’t help.
I feel that Ron holds all the cards here. He is cooler, it’s not his emotions boiling over, I am dependent on him, not vice versa, he is better with feelings than I am, I am needy and he is not.
It’s a very flattening feeling.
I simply have the choice to leave if I decide to. A cold hard choice. Or I can keep writhing on the hook as I am.
Maybe there’s some feeling under the anxiety. If I could find and express it, the anxiety would leave. I’ve found that in the past. If so, what is it?