Better again

cutI’m feeling better. Saturday was almost a complete wash. I had a headache and nausea that kept me in bed all day. I sometimes get bad headaches after therapy, and now with my stomach issues, I’m afraid to take the wonderful advil, which works, and am limited to tylenol, which just doesn’t. The headaches are severe enough that I can’t walk around with one without good pain meds.

I think the nausea was caused by the new gluten free pancake mix I tried Saturday. I don’t think I can digest a kind of flour – sorghum. Or perhaps it was just the stress of it all.

But I’ve talked to three friends about things, and time has passed, and I feel better again. It’s lovely to have someone to talk to when upset and overwhelmed. Thank you friends.

It turns out, I am now friendly with the two group members who never ganged up on me. R was my streetcorner chat buddy. We’d stand on a streetcorner after group and talk for an hour at a time. We finally talked on the phone. I’d been worried he no longer liked me, after the last group. My mind goes like that. I suddenly feel that no one on earth likes me, when faced with conflict, especially with three people at once. Not true.

Then I met the other woman, Z, for a tea on the weekend. We had a good talk. She’s smart and sensible, and we got along well. She said I seemed much friendlier and a lot more relaxed. I told her I wasn’t my social self in group at all, because that’s not what group is for.

It turns out Z actually feels quite a bit more negative about my ‘nemesis’ E than I do. She just mostly kept her feelings to herself. lol. I always think everything is about me. She did validate that yes, the three people in group were all negative towards me. And she felt that A had a vendetta against me – for instance, in the second last group, when he jumped into the conversation, his problems with me had nothing to do with what was being discussed. He just brought them up every time I was struggling with someone else.

It felt so calming that Z saw this. I felt so much less like a crazy person. Have you ever reacted to a difficult situation, and had a person who is important to you imply that you are completely wrong about it? That’s how I felt trying to talk to Ron. It makes you feel crazy. Having Z see what she did, just with common sense, was a balm to my mixed up heart.

I also discussed group with R. He was less clear, but he never for one second denied what I saw happening. And interestingly, he also had very negative feelings about A and E, but didn’t talk about them in group. I think I’m all alone, but I’m really not. That is so interesting to me.

Technically, I’d never find this out, because I wouldn’t be discussing group with them. However, as it’s not continuing, I don’t see the harm.

It would be lovely to have two new friends emerge from group. I think Z will be a friend. We’re both older, and women. R I’m not sure about. He’s a lot younger, a young man, recently married. And he’s a low contact kind of a person who sticks to his own company mostly. You’d think we don’t have much in common. But we both enjoy talking to each other. I’ll see. We decided after talking on the phone that we’d talk again next week. I’ll wait and see if he follows through – I don’t want to push.

I think if I could have held in my mind that these two group members still like me, I would not have freaked out to the extent I did. I can see that I catastrophized quite a bit. That’s not to say I didn’t have valid feelings of hurt and, yes, rage. But it would have been good to keep in mind that not everyone was against me.

I now feel like going right back to Ron and continuing our discussion, but trying to focus more, and figure out just what he’s trying to say to me. I’m going to write out my thoughts about it before Friday. I don’t want to send any more emails though. I sent him two after Friday’s session, he replied to one, saying I can see you’re struggling, basically, and that’s enough. I don’t want to be the crazy woman sending emails any more.

I purposely kept parts and memory type feelings away on Friday, because I wanted to deal with this problem in an adult way. Not sure if that was right or not. Once parts get involved, it all becomes an emotional and chaotic scene. Though it was emotional and chaotic anyway. Not sure what is right here. I want to understand, me, but of course, other parts of me are also affected and their emotions leak into me. I was thinking it’s a grown-up problem that I need to understand first.

I am so glad to be back in my right mind. I feel I went off the rails there for a while, but I’m back now. I can enjoy a walk down by the lake, a sunny hour sitting in the shade, and even a light movie. It’s awful to be so distressed you can’t follow a light movie or TV program. It’s a sign to me that I’m doing better again when I can summon up the interest to follow a romantic comedy.

  1. weareonebyruth said:

    You sound like things are settled in your mind. Glad to hear you could visit with people that could give you validation of what you saw happen. I agree it is nice to feel like you have friends in a tough situation. Enjoy your week.

  2. Gel said:

    Is that your photo?
    Getting other people’s perspectives is often really helpful. What you describe sounds like you found some “mutual reality” with a couple people from the group. That idea of a “mutual reality” took me a while to wrap my mind around, but now I see it as super important for a feeling of connection, and even sanity and belonging.

    It’s good to hear that things are feeling better. I know what you mean about being able to be present for a light hearted movie…and to relax and enjoy it.


    • Ellen said:

      Yes. Photos are always mine. A park nearby.

      Mutual reality – it does promote a feeling of sanity, doesn’t it. Those were really helpful conversations for me. Thanks Gel

  3. catherine said:

    Something a mental health nurse told me years ago was to ask myself this question…. “Could I be wrong about this?” For me, it was about challenging my reasons for suicide, but it has helped out in many other avenues of life. Perhaps you could file this question away for those moments of deep pain and anguish, especially in response to how you feel others see you. This is not to deny your feelings, by any means, because after all some people *are* assholes, but I think it works because it gives you a space to breath.

    • Ellen said:

      That’s a good question to ask oneself, thanks Catherine. My feelings do change drastically, so I know they are not telling me the ‘truth’. For instance, I no longer hate the three adversarial people in my group. It’s tricky, sticking up for my own feelings, but knowing they are not any kind of received truth about situations or people.

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