Up in the middle of the night blogging. Therapy felt quite hurtful today. Well, it feels like a searing physical pain.
I’m thinking about attachment and whether I’m doing something wrong with this therapy. Ron is getting more and more combative. I’m obviously contributing. It ends up feeling so painful I can’t stand it.
He’s said in the past it’s good that I attached to him. Lately, he keeps repeating the phrase that ‘I’m your therapist.’ I just wonder what he is trying to tell me here. I replied today that there is no doubt in my mind that he’s my therapist. We didn’t take that any further, but I wish we had. I feel like my attachment to him is hurting me. Maybe I’m attached in some really unhealthy way, and that’s why this is all hurting so much.
Maybe one problem is I’m sending him too many emails. Though I don’t always ask for a response, so he often doesn’t reply. I’ve found I can get through some really rough feelings by writing them down and emailing them to him. But I find then when I go in for my session, he’s in a ‘warlike’ mood. I suspect the emails upset him.
I don’t cry much during my session, but once out the door in the stairwell, I start crying hysterically and can’t stop. I sit and cry. Finally I stop. Then I stand at the door looking out for about twenty minutes. It’s raining hard, and I’m too exhausted to walk. Several people pass me and make cheerful comments about the rain. I guess I look like I’m upset it’s raining and I’m waiting for it to stop.
Ron both says that no one ganged up on me in group, this is my negative perception, and that it’s my fault that people treated me as they did, because of ways I acted. It’s like he’s hitting both negative responses, at different times in the session.
He said two things that I didn’t know, that were positive though.
I feel like a failure at therapy.