What to say about my pathetic session today? That it was hurtful and damaging? That I wish I hadn’t gone? That I miss the therapist Ron used to be able to be, sometimes, someone who helped or at least listened.
I’ve canceled my session for next week, to allow him to get over the group, and get some distance. Maybe I’ll be able to leave altogether, who knows.
Ron seems to largely agree with what people say about me in group. He doesn’t say it outright, but that’s the gist. He talks in this calm, slow, creepy voice I think of as reserved for mental patients. And difficult clients obviously.
I’ve written him a series of emails, none very long, in an effort to regain some balance. He replied to the first one, but in an unhelpful way. He is behaving strangely – this morning I wanted to switch my session to later in the week, and he sent me about three emails about it, including a final ‘see you then!’. He never does that. Appointments are just one quick email, he never replies once I accept. So he’s weird. You’d think he was wanting me to come in. Once I was there, it was a different story. Creepy voice, slow calm logic – against my irrational self.
It hurts too much to go into what was said at the moment. He insisted I had not been scapegoated. He said I’d drummed myself out of the group. I wasn’t blaming the group for my leaving, I was just saying I had been scapegoated.
This is not an eloquent post. My mind is not working too well. I will get through all this sorrow somehow – time helps, especially for things like this. Just need to make it through the weekend.
Thanks for all the support on my last. With Ron completely denying what I told him, I was doubting my own reality. So thank you.