Group was horrible tonight. Now I can’t sleep. I walked out of group for the first time in two years. Not planning on going back to the last session.
I’d thought I was getting somewhere, making headway of some kind. I wasn’t. I’m just a scapegoat for people’s bad feelings. I tended to be the scapegoat in my family, now I’m one for the group. It’s happened to me in work situations as well, when there was stress no one could deal with, it got focused on me. I’ve lost two jobs that way.
Don’t know if I want to go into what happened. I spoke after E started, after the usual silence to start. I didn’t respond to what she said, because it wasn’t interesting for one thing. She just said group was ending and she didn’t know how she felt about it.
I said I’d found it an interesting experience to ask someone about not liking me. Really hard though. Then Ron wanted to know why I hadn’t responded to E. At which point E got massively upset with me, she said she felt ignored, a receptacle, I was just like her husband, I didn’t look at her….so much stuff. Then Ron kept asking her questions about all this.
This time I couldn’t just sit and take this. It seemed so unfair. So I said why I hadn’t responded to her, that it was difficult sitting and absorbing all this….
Then Ron said I was being defensive. He thinks I treated E like my family treated me, by ignoring what she said. I didn’t think it was true. So I was defensive. So E talked for a long time to Ron.
Then I was so furious I couldn’t stand it. So I took a pill, then left for some air. When I came back, everyone ignored me, and A cozied up to E, they’re best buddies now.
Then I said how I was feeling. Argued with Ron.
Then Ron asked for feedback from the group on my and E’s interaction. A said how he wished I’d stop talking, he had no sympathy for me at all. M said she never wants to say anything to me because I’m always negative.
Then I kind of started crying. I talked about how if we’re supposed to trigger each other, as Ron had said, why was it only me who did that, it feels incredibly lonely.
Then I sat there, and felt so awful, just dying to go home. So I left. Forgot my umbrella, had to go back for it. I didn’t care. I’m glad I left. They are assholes.
It’s a sad note to end on. I don’t really want to leave it that I left crying and hurt. But if I go back, I just have angry things to say about most people there, so what would be the use.
Can I just say this? M says I’m always negative. Maybe. But here’s what I don’t do. I don’t carve pretty bloody patterns all over my body. I don’t overdose. I don’t get locked in the psych ward and think my doctor is doing me favours. A little negativity might do M some good.
I’m angry, but I also have a point IMO.
A is projecting like crazy, saying if only the group didn’t have me, it would be great. So how come Ron doesn’t tell him about projection? Instead I get the lecture.
Ron said when I switch to parts and cry, that’s when people really sympathize with me. Well, being a four year old is a very small part of me. I don’t need their sympathy thank you very much. Most of me is old, that’s who the group knows, and that’s who they don’t like.
It’s a very conflict averse group. Ron will never say it. I think he should. And he should comment on the group dynamics, not forever be doing the individual therapy.
I’m real upset still. R emailed me after group to see if I was OK. Kind of him. He’s conflict averse too, but he never lashes out at me. I guess because we have these after group chats, I still feel positive about him.
I’ve also completely lost trust in Ron. Why can’t he offer some support when he sees me sinking? On the one hand, he says this is how you behave, so people are reacting this way. On the other hand, he’s telling me I’m a trigger, that their feelings are about their own stuff. He says both all the time, and I find it confusing and unhelpful.
Today I am grateful for a beautiful rose scent. I walked past an old-fashioned rose bush leaning over a wall on the way to group. I didn’t have to sniff the roses – the scent wafted from the bushes, soft and sweet in the rain.