Peony week

Peony week here. I love peonies – blooms so huge they seem as if they were made-up, illustrations of a children’s story perhaps. Pale pinks and whites are my favorites, magenta not so much. Lovely.

Now therapy. Ron looks terrible – as if he’s been up all night maybe. He rescheduled my session at the last minute because of a health concern in his family. I ask a bit about it, but don’t want to pry. I hope it’s not some really bad news.

We talk about group. Ron no longer seems argumentative. He agrees with my view of both my interactions with A and with E. Hmmm….is it because he has given up? He’s no longer trying to fix me – what happened?

I spent some hours the previous day furious with the group – the way they don’t talk, the way I have to draw things out of them – I felt they remind me of my family, who also doesn’t talk. Ron didn’t really comment on this.

We must have spent thirty plus minutes discussing group, but I don’t remember it. I don’t think Ron said that much. So what did I say? Who knows.

The last twenty minutes were devoted to parts. Ron doesn’t ask, but I mention that I didn’t have that severe loneliness after last session. Ron thinks it’s because he listened more that session, but I know that’s not it. It’s that parts got to speak. That loneliness is coming from them.

If they don’t speak and aren’t triggered out, I have these conversations with Ron that seem reasonable, but don’t go anywhere much. I start feeling like these things are not the things I want to talk about…..without knowing what I do want to discuss. There is a sense of pressure. So  this time again, first the kid got the floor, then the dark voice.

The kid is always interested in the details of the office – this time, Ron had forgotten to put the kleenex beside my couch, so the kid told him that. Then we changed kleenex boxes, because she preferred the orange box. She complained about a movie that we’d watched – boring, nothing happened, people died, and it scared her. Meanwhile there is a kid’s DVD lying on the kitchen table and we should be watching that. Also it emerged she feels lonely – people are not coming over. Where did they go?

And then the dark voice. She tends to scream that she wants to kill herself, in my internal world, and that’s all I know of her. When she talks, I notice she is a lot younger than I thought she was – maybe eleven or twelve, where I was thinking sixteen. She said she didn’t like it when people were mean, when they left her out and wouldn’t talk to her. She cried about this for a long time.

We never have much chance to discuss these parts contributions, as they happen at the end of the session. I kind of wonder if the group is reminding this part of me of being in school, being teased and not fitting in. That’s the flavour of this part – of being ignored, left out, and socially ostracized. It’s a fear I also have in group.

Ron is very kind to the parts, asking questions, agreeing that it’s not right to be ignored.

I take a few minutes to pull myself together. The parts come with a tidal wave of emotion, and it takes a while to emerge and function once again.

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9 comments
  1. The loneliness you mention really resonated with me. There is nothing more lonely than not being able to hear yourself. And I also think some of my parts hold the memory of the loneliness of being the only person capable of connecting to anyone in most of my world.

    • Ellen said:

      I think for me it’s parts of me being cut off from anyone that makes them and me lonely. Thanks for sharing your experience Ashana.

  2. laura said:

    I love peonies also! It’s great that you’re starting to see what you need to do when you’re with Ron – who you need to give voice to. Do you allow the parts to express their thoughts when you’re not with Ron? do you feel like they’ll take over if you do? I discovered that I need to follow my thought wherever it leads, whatever comes up in the moment, and that when I do that, I feel satisfied with the session, that everything that was truly important was said. I still forget that, sometimes. I miss your photographs, did your camera suffer an unfortunate event? It’s like your posts have no window, now.

    • Ellen said:

      I don’t feel they’ll take over. In regular life, the parts cause problems, because people don’t understand they’re kids. By myself, I hear things they say sometimes. Interesting how you learned to follow your thought – I agree it’s a process figuring out what you need in therapy. Thanks for missing my photos. 🙂 No, my camera is still there, but I’ve been feeling too discouraged to take pictures. take care

  3. Gel said:

    I’m hearing a lot more strength in your words. Sounds like a knowing of who you are and standing your ground….something like that. It seems a good thing for your parts to get to come out in therapy more…is that right?

    It’s nice to hear about your love of Peony…one of my favorite flowers is Calla Lily. But there are many I like. Do your parts have favorite things?

    • Ellen said:

      Yeah, it does seem good to me. I like Callas also – a friend has a bunch in a basket, they’re small and purple – lovely. Parts do have favorite things, but not flowers as far as I know. take care

  4. Ruth said:

    Parts are the ones that hung on to our emotions so we could function without being overwhelmed.

    • Ellen said:

      That does seem to be true. Thank you.

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