Peony week here. I love peonies – blooms so huge they seem as if they were made-up, illustrations of a children’s story perhaps. Pale pinks and whites are my favorites, magenta not so much. Lovely.
Now therapy. Ron looks terrible – as if he’s been up all night maybe. He rescheduled my session at the last minute because of a health concern in his family. I ask a bit about it, but don’t want to pry. I hope it’s not some really bad news.
We talk about group. Ron no longer seems argumentative. He agrees with my view of both my interactions with A and with E. Hmmm….is it because he has given up? He’s no longer trying to fix me – what happened?
I spent some hours the previous day furious with the group – the way they don’t talk, the way I have to draw things out of them – I felt they remind me of my family, who also doesn’t talk. Ron didn’t really comment on this.
We must have spent thirty plus minutes discussing group, but I don’t remember it. I don’t think Ron said that much. So what did I say? Who knows.
The last twenty minutes were devoted to parts. Ron doesn’t ask, but I mention that I didn’t have that severe loneliness after last session. Ron thinks it’s because he listened more that session, but I know that’s not it. It’s that parts got to speak. That loneliness is coming from them.
If they don’t speak and aren’t triggered out, I have these conversations with Ron that seem reasonable, but don’t go anywhere much. I start feeling like these things are not the things I want to talk about…..without knowing what I do want to discuss. There is a sense of pressure. So this time again, first the kid got the floor, then the dark voice.
The kid is always interested in the details of the office – this time, Ron had forgotten to put the kleenex beside my couch, so the kid told him that. Then we changed kleenex boxes, because she preferred the orange box. She complained about a movie that we’d watched – boring, nothing happened, people died, and it scared her. Meanwhile there is a kid’s DVD lying on the kitchen table and we should be watching that. Also it emerged she feels lonely – people are not coming over. Where did they go?
And then the dark voice. She tends to scream that she wants to kill herself, in my internal world, and that’s all I know of her. When she talks, I notice she is a lot younger than I thought she was – maybe eleven or twelve, where I was thinking sixteen. She said she didn’t like it when people were mean, when they left her out and wouldn’t talk to her. She cried about this for a long time.
We never have much chance to discuss these parts contributions, as they happen at the end of the session. I kind of wonder if the group is reminding this part of me of being in school, being teased and not fitting in. That’s the flavour of this part – of being ignored, left out, and socially ostracized. It’s a fear I also have in group.
Ron is very kind to the parts, asking questions, agreeing that it’s not right to be ignored.
I take a few minutes to pull myself together. The parts come with a tidal wave of emotion, and it takes a while to emerge and function once again.