Up in the middle of the night blogging. I’ve had a heavy week at work where I needed to be in every day and then in pretty much all day meetings, and I’ve not been sleeping well. Lack of sleep compounds my usual issues, so I’ve been taking a pill whenever I wake up to try and calm down and get some rest. It’s been kind of working.
I get home from work pretty shut down most days. I feel exhausted from the stress of it.
So last night’s group, I was both keyed up and shut down from the stress of it all.
The topic was at first the group ending….and I once again went on about people not talking. I wish I could stop doing that. It feels like blaming other people for the group not working….
Both E and I spoke about how we’d withdrawn from the group in recent months, for different reasons. She because she felt she was ‘too much’ for the group, me because I found it too painful to try and work out issues with group members when no one else was doing so.
Then A started talking. Mostly about how much he dislikes me….He feels I have endlessly attacked him, and he feels I owe him an apology.
My instinct was to figure out what he was talking about. I thought we’d barely interacted, though yes, a few times we’d clashed. So I wanted to know when I’d attacked him. Then I told him about the times he’d hurt me.
Ron said this approach wasn’t useful, that I should stay with my feelings and see where they led. It wasn’t useful to go over he said she said….
A also said I ruined his experience of group. There was the rest of the group, which he felt was supportive, and there was me, the person who ruined it for him. You’d think we were interacting negatively every week….but really, we hadn’t. A few problems over many months was all I could remember.
A seemed very angry. He was able to stay with his anger and outrage….Well, he’s not a dissociater like me. I said I felt upset, but detached, which was true. I felt super alert, but not very emotional. Just upset, and not knowing what to do.
Ron said to stay with the feeling of upset and not knowing what to do. Other people said some things, especially E who associated our fight to her own with her husband, she of course identifying with A, and me being her husband. Difficult to take on board when I’m already struggling with difficult feelings.
So I stayed with the feeling of upset, and Ron moved the discussion back to the group ending.
After group, I felt OK about things. I was relieved to hear A’s real feelings I suppose. I didn’t retaliate and attack. I felt kind of soft.
But now at three am, I feel bad. Like I’ve been kicked around like a football. It’s sad to inspire so much hatred.
Then as usual, I now think Ron thinks bad things about me. He only worked with me on accepting A’s feelings – he had nothing to say to A about how he was handling it. On the one hand, he is trying to help me to change. On the other, why am I so at fault and A so perfect?
I also want Ron’s good opinion and I don’t feel I have it. He kind of winces when I say things half the time. I said goodbye to him, and the way he said goodbye it seemed like he didn’t like me.
I know this is my stuff. It’s hard. I want to hear people’s true feelings, and then it’s really hard to do so.
I know Ron would feel a lot more sympathy if I cried. I can’t cry. I’m all split into pieces and the crying doesn’t happen easily.
I find if I’m honest I feel a lot of difficult emotions about people in the group. And they don’t seem to have that problem. So it feels lonely to try and express and work things out….I’m alone out there.
Of course A did that tonight. It doesn’t seem that complicated for him. He just stayed angry and outraged the whole evening. He wanted an apology, I’m not apologizing, and that was it for him.
I feel like if I had Ron’s support it would be more bearable. I’m going to ask him how this helps me. I’m refraining from emailing him. I’ll see him tomorrow anyway.