I’m realizing that I really need to use therapy to deal with pain and sorrow. There’s no use in trying to be friendly with Ron. It’s just fifty minutes – being friends is a waste of my time. No matter how well we get along, I will not see him again for seven days, and another fifty minutes.
Last session was kind of polite. Ron has pulled back from how he was when I was really fighting with him. I felt like I wanted to stay adult and listen to what he had to say, and I did that. I wasn’t yet feeling that bad about group ending – that came the next day.
Parts weren’t screaming to be heard, so I left them alone. Ironically though, for all this effort, I barely remember what we talked about. I know I came home and felt severely lonely.
What did we discuss? Must have talked about group. I thought Ron hadn’t made it very clear what kind of contributions he valued, so I told him that.
He suggested some kind of visualization to calm down when I panic in the group, instead of leaving. Sure. I tell him in an email that’s like building a lean to for shelter in a hurricane. I don’t think a visualization is going to help much at that point.
I told him about reconnecting with an old friend, and how we’d gone out of town for a day. It was enjoyable, but I ended up dissociated. We talked a bit about why that might happen.
But this would not have taken a whole session. Ron talked a fair bit, and I forgot pretty well everything he said. I wanted to let him speak and not always be interrupting, so I did that. I remember the effort that cost me.
I think I need to deal more with parts, with the difficulties I have.
There just doesn’t seem much point in trying to be nice and adult. I forget the whole session, and end up feeling lonely.
I wonder if the loneliness is coming from parts, when they do not get heard. I asked Ron if we could make regular time for them to speak in my session, and he’s open to that idea.
Sometimes I long so much for someone to talk to, but it can’t be Ron. I need to find someone else who wants to hear what I have to say. For whom it would make sense to be kind, to listen, and to understand as well as to be understood.
With fifty minutes a week, there’s not much sense me devoting a lot of time to understanding my therapist. He’ll have to work on understanding me.