Suddenly Saturday I was hit with the sorrow of my group ending. I was very surprised I felt like this, having been on the verge of quitting several times in the last few months.
Both days of this weekend have been picture perfect – cool and sunny. Mostly I observed from my bed. Saturday I walked with a friend, then became dissociated, I think from the effort of socializing while I was feeling crap, then spent the rest of the day fighting to get back.
Today I mostly stayed home. I wrote an email to Ron about my feelings about the group, and he replied in record time actually. Well, he said we have lots to work on next session. Not a detailed reply, but all I need sometimes is an acknowledgment that he read the email and that it’s OK.
Group stopping for good makes me feel lonely. It’s not the type of loneliness that being with people fixes.
I do lead a solitary life, and the people in the group have been a constant for two years now. Sometimes not such a nice constant, but reassuring nevertheless.
I’ve felt pain like a stone in my gut. As if something irreversible and terrible has happened. Which reminded me of my past of course. I think it’s the moves.
We moved countries twice before I was ten, continents once. When I was seven, my family left Germany for a city in the States where my father had work. I don’t remember a lot about this. It seems to me that once we moved, the town and the people we left behind were simply never mentioned again. There was absolutely no discussion of feelings of loss or sadness about those we’d left behind. For me it was the only life I’d ever known. I remember feeling some homesickness, but I never mentioned it to anyone.
The second move was two years later, to Canada. Same deal. I was less homesick this time I think, having only been in the States two years. Again, no mention by anyone in my family that there was loss involved, that we were leaving friends and schoolmates, that there were difficulties involved in fitting in to a new culture.
I kind of think the loss of the group is triggering off these earlier losses, which given my family, I was not able to discuss or have any help with whatsoever.
Because I seem to be really thrown off balance here.