What’s happened now is group was tough on Thursday. Mainly because I had such severe anxiety for most of it. E and A were speaking about relationship problems with men. I was sitting, my heart pounding, shaking a bit and feeling worse the longer I sat there. Finally I left the room (very bad), took a pill and just breathed for a while. Went back after 15 minutes. Then I started talking about last week, how I’d found the responses of people difficult. No one said anything. Ron asked what I’d like from people, and I didn’t want anything really. Just to be able to speak. And my anxiety went down.
I actually wanted to listen to A. Ron had a lot to say about her problems, and I would have liked to hear it. The anxiety sucks big time.
Oh yes, I switched into the kid because the kid wanted to talk to Ron. He was back from vacation and she hadn’t talked to him and was freaking out.
“So you’re back from the cottage? And…you’re real? What if you weren’t really real?”
I had this feeling of unreality that happens when I’m really anxious.
“Because you must be real because you’re here and I’m here too and you know who I am.”
“Are you afraid the other people here aren’t real too?”
“No, I don’t know them but I know you. You drive a car and it is green and we talk.”
“Yes. You’re in a really young place right now. And I see you. I always know you are there even if you’re not talking.”
I was crying, but when Ron said this something clicked. The kid felt heard and I switched back out to me. What a relief – I could use my mind again.
After this, Ron asked us again, like he did the week before, how we felt about the group ending in June. This time someone asked him how he felt. And then he said he would most likely not be running another group in the fall.
We asked how come. He said he felt the group hadn’t come together as he’d hoped, we hadn’t ‘jelled’, and that he’d done everything he knows how to do, and it hadn’t helped. Also he found it very hard work. He didn’t say this, but I guess he meant it’s hard work that hasn’t paid off.
Wow. He’s been running these groups for years, but this seems to be the group that broke him.
I’ve had very mixed feelings about the group, but I’ve found it valuable. I am continually frustrated that people are so withdrawn though. In my session, Ron said too that inhibition was so strong in the group, it never really caught.
I felt I didn’t really have that problem, as I can’t seem to stop talking even when I’d like to. He said he thinks I have it in a different way than others in the group. I say things, but then I stop, I don’t go deeper.
He’s told me this before. I’m not aware of more to say that I’m holding back though. I think the problem is that for me, going deeper means going into parts, which is very problematic in many ways. It’s not so easy.
I told him I did feel less close to people in the group than I did in December. I’d somewhat given up on trying to engage people about the group, because nobody else did. Ron said I gave up because when people got angry, I withdrew, instead of just keeping going. Maybe, but that is not easy.
I said I’d had the experience before of being ostracized by groups, and I wasn’t keen on that happening to me again. Ron said it never got anywhere near that, that everyone in the group was angry at me.
Well, I am sad about this. I feel I’ve failed at group. Ron said it’s never just one person. But me getting up and leaving all the time was not good. Just I didn’t know what else to do. Next group I will apologize to the person who was speaking for leaving, at least.
I want to say a few more things in group before it disbands, so I’ll try and do that next week. The people in the group have taken up residence in my head, after all this time, jelled or no. I don’t want to leave things unsaid.