I’ve been feeling disconnected from healing and blogging lately. I’ve been coping well, which is not at all the same as healing, is it.
Today for instance I got more done than I usually get done in a month. I got all my tax slips, receipts, statements together for my tax guy, who always scares me but I think he does an OK job. So now all my mail is opened and filed, and in honour of this, I brushed the dirt off my desk and wiped it all clean. Vacuumed and dabbed at the bathroom.
I am cooking a lot. On the weekend, a friend who also has stomach issues said she finds eating a lot of vegetables calms her system down. I tried it and it seems to help, but it means a lot of chopping and cooking. Apparently veggies are alkaline, so soothe the stomach. Who knew?
As a result, my nausea issues are pretty minimal right now. Which is wonderful. A lot of work but it’s worth it.
Another thing I learned is it’s good to eat a bit of raw food with meals, as they provide enzymes, and that seems to help also.
I saw Ron Tuesday a week ago, as he was going away for the long weekend. So I’ll see him again Thursday at group and then Friday as per usual.
On Tuesday we talked about a visit I’d paid to my family for mother’s day. Not a favorite topic of mine. I discussed how withdrawn my mother is, so quiet she seems to be on another planet.
Also I’d noticed that if I try to talk about anything that concerns me, the topic gets changed to something safer very quickly. I’m not talking about discussions of abuse or the past either. I tried to talk to my father about going to the naturopath….he has had digestive issues all his life, and so I thought he’d be interested. It seemed to make him really nervous when I talked about that, and he turned away to something else really quickly.
The other time I tried to discuss something, I wanted to tell my mother about something my ex has done which upset me. It is not something done to me, but something that is not a good thing for him, but is typical of how he behaves. I told her about it, and I was kind of agitated, explaining the details, as it upset me. She said almost nothing. Then my sister changed the subject almost right away to the excellence of the pie they were eating.
The two topics that seem to be allowed are food and the garden. With a bit about the weather for variety.
It made me feel kind of ghost like and unreal. So I left after an hour and a half. Then it took me a day to get over the visit.
I don’t remember what Ron said about this. That session I had a lot to talk about, so didn’t give him much of a chance. We speculated about why my father and then my mother didn’t respond to me.
I wondered if my mother thought I was gossiping, by talking about my ex. Maybe. She never gossips. But then, she rarely discusses anything. I feel she’s not that interested in people, not enough to discuss them in any case.
Ron wondered if my father felt that I was trying a method to deal with my health that wasn’t his method…Perhaps.
It occurs to me that I have little insight into why my family acts as they do, beyond that they don’t wish to deal with anything by talking about it.
In group the focus was on me. I talked about this family situation. Then somehow I got onto this dreamlike memory I’d had in therapy the previous Friday. Then out of the blue the emotions of that experience hit me, and I was suddenly a tiny child crying about something I couldn’t remember much about.
It was a very disorienting experience to have that happen to me in group.
It was OK to go through that in group. The part I didn’t like was after. I kind of switched back out, but was dissociated – my mind wasn’t working, which I said.
Ron asked the group to give me feedback, and people were generally kind and supportive. One comment was that this person felt like she wanted to pick up that child that I’d been and hold her until I felt better.
I could barely take in what people were saying, as I’d been completely thrown into the past.
So I just said thanks. Then Ron took this up – why was I so abrupt? Dismissive? I told him my mind wasn’t working properly. He took that to mean I’d dissociated because of the feedback. NO no no no. God. How can he still not understand what happens?
I dissociated because I’d had this flashback type thing happen, and then needed to cope with being in the group. Ron’s point was that I couldn’t accept caring when it is offered.
Maybe. But I can’t accept anything when I’m kind of shocked and dissociated. And I can’t clear up misunderstandings either – I’m just not functioning well at that point.
So we had our usual misunderstanding. However I wrote him an email about it that night. I knew he was leaving town the next day, so I was hoping very much that he would respond first. And he did. So I felt better and that I could survive the weekend.
The experience in group was intense – I spend Friday mostly in bed, recovering, and Saturday I was still shaky.