Thanks for all the supportive comments on my last – really appreciated. Going to continue writing it out in the hopes that it will be therapeutic.
I’ve had a bad weekend. I was plunged into the most intense sadness, maybe you’d call it, a crisis, by this last session. I spent most of this sunny weekend curled up in bed, or looking out the window. A couple of times I ventured out on the balcony or for short walks. One cafe stop and chat with a friend.
I do breakups very badly. The two serious ones I’ve had left me unable to function for many weeks. This feels similar, though I think I’m coming out of it again, so it won’t be weeks.
I’m trying to figure out what’s happening to me. Ron has always caused me a lot of anxiety, right from day one, and that hasn’t really gone away, though it’s a bit milder now after two years. I’m not sure if it’s just that he’s male, around my age, vaguely attractive. Or what. I have an anxiety about men and he triggers it.
I think I was a little in love with him. Or maybe it’s more accurate to say parts of me love him. Now he’s turned out to be a problematic therapist, and I didn’t see that before. I think he’s not handling our interactions very well.
The problem I get into is the transference. I get into his tiny office, and my mind clouds over, and I can’t think very well. Instead I feel various emotions coming out of nowhere. No it’s not being in love. lol. But in this relationship, face to face, I cannot seem to get things straight. I’m full of neediness, hurt feelings, emotional thinking, sarcasm.
I’ve been trying to talk to Ron by email, even just to find out if what I’m hearing from him is what he really thinks. I can think by email. He offered an extra session to discuss things, but I said no. I’ll just have the foggy head problem again, plus I don’t want to trigger off all this pain again, if I manage to get over it.
I’m thinking I will quit group. I’m considering quitting therapy with Ron also, but haven’t decided.
Today I looked at therapist profiles on the internet. That got me out of some of this depression, just seeing there are other people out there, someone may be able to help me.
I don’t have much of a clue how to choose someone. I wish so much I had contacts who could recommend someone good, who specializes in dissociation or at least PTSD. I can go by whether I like their writing and if they seem intelligent, if I like their smile, do they have qualifications….I can’t afford anyone with huge qualifications unfortunately. Unless it would be worthwhile to see someone expensive twice a month instead of once a week?
I wonder if mostly, I am simply dependent on Ron, without gaining much from his therapy. I have gained from group actually. I noticed it at work in meetings. I am much more able to notice how I am feeling without suppressing that, or acting it out, while in groups of people. And I’ve got practice now in not retaliating when I’m attacked, but just sitting with the pain. So that is good. I know from experience in group that retaliating makes things worse.
I think having a T who argues with me endlessly is not optimal. It’s as if he must win the argument. And I actually panicked so badly in his office last time, I had to leave for a few minutes so I could calm down. He doesn’t seem to think this is his problem, it seems to be one hundred percent my problem. If he’s scaring me so badly, isn’t that his problem too?
Ron said in response to an email I sent him that he thinks I focus on parts instead of focusing on other important issues. Though he does believe the parts are real. So then I asked him back who he thinks should be determining what gets focus in a session, the client or the therapist? Because going by the last sessions, he believes he knows best about what needs discussion, not me. I’m confused it seems.
I am so trying to focus away from this and onto something good and healing. I keep reading bits of Eckhart Tolle for inspiration. Because thinking about this is hell. There is nothing I can do except leave or stay. Any other therapist I consult will advise me to go and try to work it out with Ron. And really, if I leave, I should take time to recover from this experience. Just, I need help with the pain of it. But this too shall pass, as I told myself when I was lying awake at three this morning.
Sometimes I think if I can just stay with the pain long enough, it will shift. Other times I think I should struggle harder to overcome. This weekend though mostly I had no choice. I wasn’t well enough to do anything much but lie there and feel this stuff.
Why is pain worst at three in the morning? Though at that point, I did have some insight. I remembered our dining room table, sitting there as a child. I just wondered if some of this pain is related to how I must have felt when my father froze me out for so many years, all while I was trying to live there and do kid tasks like go to school and eat dinner. I don’t really remember how I felt. I wonder if this is part of that feeling, transported to the present.
I need to keep comments off for now until I can stabilize. Thanks a lot for reading along anyway.